Bat-Family Oneshots

The talk

"Wait wait wait. You are telling me you never gave the boys the talk" Barry said astonished. Bruce shook his head "Correct, I have never. Now can we get back to the meeting at hand?" he said hoping to end this, but unfortunately, Dinah had other plans "How could you send the boys into this world without, giving them at least the basics?" she said with disappointment lacing her voice. "Trust me when I say this, they know the basics," Bruce said as clearly as possible.

"But how do you know that if you have never given them the talk?" Said Clark just as shocked and as disappointed as the other two "Because I am their father" Barry piped up "Yet you have never given them the talk" Bruce laced his voice with as much sarcasm as possible "Well done, flash you managed to state an already obvious fact, clear" 

"Bruce, don't get snappy at Barry because you managed to mess up a very important part of child development" Brue practically growled at Dinah "I have not messed up there development, i just never gave them a talk" Clark only just managed to withhold a facepalm "That is the problem, you never educated them on the importance of safety and whatnot" Bruce growled getting annoyed when he suddenly realised something he doesn't know that they had been taught, by dick  "This is ridiculous the boys are well-educated meaning I never had to be the one to educate them plus my oldest sons are 18 and 16 do you really think they need to be taught" Dinah basically screamed "Yes this is the most important part of a boys life do you want them suddenly to become a teen dad?" 

"Okay, listen very carefully you three I am going to tell you this one more time alright?" Bruce said putting emphasis on every word when they nodded he said "My boys do not need the TALK alright. Plus if Dick and Jason were going to become teen dads it would have happened by now okay?" Barry falls off his chair at that "Are you telling us that they have taken after you?" Bruce tried hard not to laugh at how easy it was to trick them. "Alright that's it if you aren't going to do it we are" Dinah stated rather distressed.

Flash gasped almost scared "Dinah you have got to be kidding! Have you met those kids they are scary!" Dinah sighed "They are only children-" she was cut off by flash saying rather dramatically "children that can take down the whole league" Clark cut in "they may be strong kids but are kids none the less. Plus it is our duty to make sure they do not go down the same path as Mr playboy here" Bruce merely raised an eyebrow at boy scouts words.

flash was going to comment when bruce shot him the bat glare causing the speedster to squeak and dive behind the man of steel. Dinah ignored the rather childish behaviour "honestly Bruce you should be ashamed of yourself how could you not give the boys the talk. I could understand Damian as he is only 8-" "10 he is 10" "alright then Damian is not an excuse, honestly Bruce, where is the responsibility, ho can you take care of these boys" 

Bruce shook his head "Dinah. Both Dick and I basically co-parent the boys go give him this lecture" this just seemed to piss the three heroes of more, which is what Bruce was looking for. Dinah at this point was basically shaking with anger as for the other two they looked like fish. "DICK IS YOUR SON, THERE BROTHER THEY SHOULD NOT SEE HIM AS A FATHER FIGURE. THAT IS YOUR JOB NOT HIS." With that, the trio marched out the conference room and into the den to look for the boys in question.

Bruce couldn't help but smirk as he placed the cowl back over his face. Batman stepped out of the room and watched as his four sons were manhandled into one of Dinah's therapy rooms. Just before the door slammed shut he caught the wink his oldest son sent him. Batman sighed happily, internally of course. Those three where certainly in for a surprise.

Bruce quickly moved to his room and hacked into the cameras that were in the room, he settled down to enjoy the show.

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Meanwhile, in the room the boys were thrown onto one of the couch as the three league members stood in front of them calmly. Dinah cleared her throat making sure she had their undivided attention. "Alright boys, we are here today in this safe place because we love and care about you" she was interrupted by laughter and three rather unimpressed glares being sent her way. Clark took over and tried to explain "what Dinah means is that it has come to our attention that bruce has perhaps missed some vital parts of parenting"

He was cut off by Jason "which part is it? His emotional constipation, his lack of physical affection or the fact he lets us run around at the dead of night fighting crime?" The adults just stood there for a moment just as they were about to talk, Tim cut in "or the fact we are in the public eye constantly with no privacy or maybe that he endangers us by just stepping into the kitchen" Damian hums "that is correct Drake if I recall last weeks fire was almost the end of us" Dick just sat quietly making sure not to laugh.

"Um no, none of that" Clark finally got out followed by Dinah saying "however we shall address them at a later date" she nudged flash "Today we are going to be talking about sex" following that declaration was four sets of boyish laughter. Dick wiped under his sunglasses "you are aware how old we are right?" Clark nodded "yes, but Bruce has told us that he has never had this conversation" Dick spoke, "Why would he give us the talk?"

Barry was confused "Because he's your father" Dinah sighed and internally thought what his bruce done to these boys. Jason put both hands up "Woh Woh Woh stop right there. May i remind you that he is our adoptive father" Clark gasped "yes but he still has the responsibility to do it". Damian shook his head disgusted "I think not" barry questioned "why not, sex is nothing to be embarrassed about"

Jason stood up "listen here pal I think you have got the wrong end of the stick!" He was quickly pulled back down by Dick. Tim decided to end this "what my brothers mean is that we have all had 'the talk' just not by bruce" Clark looked confused "by who then?"
Tim sighed "my parents gave it to me long with Dick whenever I have questions, plus I have the internet" Damian spoke next "My mother gave it to me and Dick has also corrected my misunderstandings" Jason smirked "I loved on the streets and went to juvy, I have also had first-hand experience. Trust me I know all their js to know" Dick elbowed his brother. When it was Dicks turn he shrugged "I'm basically the same as Jay, I was in Belle-Reve and lived on the streets for a while. That along with the fact I'm eighteen and way over the legal consenting age."

Jason smirked, "see goodie dooers you are many years too late for this, so can we like leave now?" In all honesty, neither of the two male heroes knew what to say so they left the response to Dinah before she could say anything Dick interrupted and suddenly said "Actually I do have a question, what is a condom?" as innocent as possible, his brothers had to bite there tongues to stop themselves from laughing at Dicks act and the faces the Lesguers pulled. "You don't know what a condom is?" Barry repeated slowly, Dick nodded. "Well, it is a thin rubber sheath worn on a man's penis during sexual intercourse as a contraceptive or as a protection against infection," Superman explained, Dick covered his mouth with his hand to hide his small smile. "Oh I get it" he said softly. Jason caught on to what the older bird was doing and said: "What about birth control?" Dinah quickly explained before saying "I thought you knew this" Dick shook his head "No, Jay and I said we knew what sex was and that we have partaken in the action"

"Wait," Barry said, "Are you telling me you have never used protection?" Dick shook his head "Nope didn't even know they existed. If I did I would have used it, after all, it is quite hard juggling and hiding 10 kids from Bruce" Jason nodded "You got that right not to mention all that childcare is expensive" the three heroes in front of them gapped "So...Can we go?" Tim said holding in a laugh. Superman nodded "Yes but we will be talking to Bruce about this. It was very irresponsible of you not to have used protection and not to have told bruce when you got the poor girls pregnant. How you managed to keep them quite is beyond me" he lectured  Jason shrugged "You would be surprised what a few hundred bucks a year can do" he said casually. 

The boys quickly got up and walked out of the room leaving the gaping adults in the room. As they exited Batman was standing outside the room. "Hey B they want to talk to you," Nightwing said casually face once again covered by his mask. Batman nodded and entered once the boys where near the Zeta Beak "He's gonna kill you when he gets his hands on the pair f you" Tim said happily, Nightwing shrugs "He deserves it trying to get us to sort out fights between him and the league, honestly" Jason and Damian smirked ad they walked through the tube back to the cave.

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later when Batman was hunting down his partners they had magically disapeared.