Everything I love about you. {Binwoo} {Astro}

Twenty-Seven

After the day that Seungkwan got expelled, I haven't, maybe barely, been at school. I felt too ashamed to return and having to see Minhyuk, Sanha Eunwoo, and even Eunwoo's friends regularly. It was not like I would hang out with them but the idea of seeing them made my stomach turn that's how uncomfortable the idea made me.

The day that Seungkwan got expelled is already three weeks ago now.

I tried to go to school, don't get me wrong, but the whole environment now minus my friends didn't appeal to me anymore. Teachers would scold me for daydreaming in class but all I could think about how much I regretted every decision I had made over the past few months. I couldn't even bring up a witty comment like I normally would if a teacher tried to scold me, so I just let everything come over me. The teachers complaining to me was about the only words I received from anyone during the day.

And I, for a change, prefer the little words spoken to me daily to be nice. 

I tried to get the endless train of thought off my shoulders but I was only able to do that when I was asleep. That resulted in me preferring to stay home and trying to sleep. Trying to escape reality. I couldn't find any reason to get out anyway.

Eventually, even my room, the place where I felt the safest to retreat to started to mock and close in on me. It started to become a dark hole where I could barely get out of. It started to feel smaller and smaller every day. There was no one here to get me out of bed or even my room to have a proper meal at the least. I would rarely drag myself out to have a bowl of cereal if my feeling of hunger felt like it was actually killing me. 

Because I screwed up with my friends, I had no one sending me a message on how I was doing. Also, I didn't care to inform either of my parents with how my mental health was going. I was just locked in my depressing room until I would find the strength myself to drag me out of this prison and step back in the world where I would have to be a person again. Maybe one day I would find that strength... At least, not today.

I've chewed down my nails to a point where my fingers would start to tremble and hurt even to the slightest touch. I had to put bandages around some of them to prevent infection and probably losing my fingers. How much stress can a person take until they would finally give in?I laid in my bed, watching the same stupid 'Memes I watch to hide my crippling depression' for the 20th time and it still didn't manage to make me crack a smile. Very unfortunately, the video got interrupted with the notification that 'Mom' was calling me. I don't want to talk...

I wanted to just watch the notification until it would finally disappear again as if nothing happened. Oddly though, my finger moved to the answer button almost on its own as if my body told me what I needed. I turned to my side and laid the phone down beside me on speaker. I felt too tired to keep holding my phone.

"Moonbin, are you there honey?" I heard my mom's voice speak from the other end of the line. "Yeah?" I softly answered. Hearing my Mom's voice gave me a lump in my throat. I never realized how much you could need a voice to speak to you with a kind tone. "Do you have time to talk? Are you at school right now?" She asked me gently.

"No, I'm at my place... Not feeling well.." I answered shortly with a shaky voice. I could never lie to her... It was silent for a little while on the other end of the line and I softly heard my mom sigh. Not an irritated sigh though, more like a mother getting confirmation of her gut feeling is telling her. "Oh, baby, not happy to hear that... For how long have you been feeling bad?"

At this point tears started to roll from the corner of my eye, from the side of my face onto my pillow, creating a wet spot. How did I never grab my phone and call my mom for so long? It's just a few minutes of an entire day, and yet still I don't do it. I miss her so much... "For quite a while actually," I say and start to cry softly but yet audible enough for my mom to hear it too. "Binnie, are you crying?" I hated how I started crying and made my mom worry for me. "No..." I say softly and wipe my tears away as if I didn't want my mother to see them. She comforted me though and told me to just let it all out.