"I'm just different, I'm special. And you never felt like this before. I mean, please. I sleep with everyone, too."
Inspired by the song 'French Benefits' by Sid Wilson
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* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.
'Did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?'
[ ALICE'S P.O.V ]
Sunday · June 3, 2001 · Antioch, Tennessee
I stepped off the bus to get some fresh air and have a smoke before we go to sound check. I lit a cigarette and took a shaky breath. I had my big sunglasses on to hide my red puffy eyes from everyone. Tonight should be fun. I have come to the conclusion that I've royally fucked up my last chance of ever being happy.
I could hear something in the distance, it sounded like someone talking but I didn't see anyone around me. I ignored it and continued my cigarette. Sitting down on the ground, I rested my head on my knees as I pulled them tightly to my chest. This seems to be my new favorite position to sit in when I'm stressed out. I could hear the voice again and it sounded oddly familiar.
I stood back up after throwing out my cigarette and walked towards the noise. I rounded a corner and froze in place.
Sid was on his knees in the dirt and cussing as he cried. My heart dropped to my stomach and I felt physically sick. The air was knocked out of me and my heart broke over and over just to see him like this - even worse to know that he's like this because of me. I wanted nothing more than to run over to him and say that everything will be fine but I know that isn't an option. So, what did I do? I turned my back on him and went back to the bus.
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[ Just imagine him still having his long hair at this point. ]
I took a quick shower and brushed my teeth. Looking myself over in the mirror I can see my eyes are still bloodshot and still very much puffy. Shrugging, I decided it didn't matter anyways at this point. I threw on some thick black eyeliner and dark red lipstick.
I just dressed in some ripped up blue jeans with a black shirt that said 'FUCK' on the front in bright purple. Throwing on my purple and black converse, I left the bus with another cigarette hanging from my mouth. I lit it as I walked through the lot and kept thinking about Sid. I've never seen him like that before. 'Fuck, I need some booze.'
Tonight's performance was one of our worst that we've done. I couldn't keep my mind focused on anything and there was no emotion going into my music. The girls knew what was going on, but they still said that I had to push that shit out of my mind while performing or use it to my advantage and let out that raw emotion.
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We all got drunk backstage after the show and I just still wasn't feeling better.
"Here ya go," Jim handed me a bottle of Jack as he sat beside me with a couple of pint glasses. I cocked an eyebrow at him and he pointed over to Corey. I looked up and he was looking over to me sadly. He gave me a thumbs up and I shot him a bird, letting out a small laugh.
