French Benefits

10/ Black Days Begin

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

Monday · March 5, 2001 · Rochester, New York

"I wanna change the setlist for tonight." I told my band mates as I walked in for soundcheck.

"Yeah, okay. But where have you been and what the hell is wrong? Is it about seeing Phil tonight?" Hanna asked me as she walked up to me.

"It's not about Phil. I didn't think about that. I just.. always fuck everything up." I said, tears threatening to fall.

"Babe, You need to tell us what's wrong." Mandy said as she walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"You don't cry. So who fucking upset you?" Sam added. I laughed just a little.

"I upset myself. So kick my ass. I slept with Sid again and this morning he told me he loves me," I started and all three girls freaked out.

"That's great news! Why are you sad?" Was the only thing I could make out.

"I'm not sad - I'm fucking angry and I have it all bottled up right now. I don't love Sid and I sure as hell don't want him to love me. He's known me for like a fucking day anyways so how does he even know? I love sex and he just can't handle fucking me and going on about his day. So fuck it. We won't be anything." They all quieted down for a few moments, trying to see if I was telling the truth or not.

"Okay hun. So, what are we playing tonight, then?" Sam said as she rubbed my back.

◊◊◊

"How the fuck are you doing tonight?!" I screamed out into the crowd. I finished my intro and we launched into our setlist.

"I'd rather be punched in the face / Be sprayed with some mace / Than be head over heels / I'd rather be hit by a truck / Than be totally fucked / I know you know how it feels / I'd rather be buried alive / Than be living a lie with somebody like you / Love is hell / Love is shit / Can't you tell I've had enough of it / Raise your hands, let me hear you yell / Love is hell / I'd rather be broke on the street / Than be losing sleep over something you said / I'd rather spend the weekend in jail / And be stuck without bail / Than have you stuck in my head / I'd rather just play with myself / Than deal with somebody else and get totally screwed / Love is hell / Love is shit / Can't you tell I've had enough of it / Raise your hands, let me hear you yell / Love is hell / I'd rather be stabbed and be cut into ribbons / I'd rather be dead than the way you got me living / I'd rather be shot in the heart and be bleeding / I'd rather be left here alone than be needed / Love is hell / Love is shit / Can't you tell I've had enough of it / Raise your hands, let me hear you yell / Love is hell / Love ain't right / Just as well I'll be alone tonight / Raise your hands, let me hear you yell / Love is hell / I'd rather be stabbed and be cut into ribbons / I'd rather be dead than the way you got me living / Love is hell / I'd rather be shot in the heart and be bleeding / I'd rather be left here alone than be needed / Love is hell!"

- - -

"Don't deny I did you cold. I broke your trust and lied. / Controlling, selfish, gossip abound. Cocaine mouth over mind. / And I say... I wash my hands, pull the slivers. No master plan, I deliver. / Enigma wrapped in riddle. Your life I belittle / Dignity I'd steal. Now I know how it feels. / Stubborn bastard, hard head knocking. We had our good years, too. / Though apart, you're still in my heart. I'd give anything for you. / And I say... I wash my hands, pull the slivers. No master plan, I deliver. / Enigma wrapped in riddle. Your life I belittle / Dignity I'd steal. Now I know how it feels."