French Benefits

24/ The Speed Of Pain

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

Sunday · June 10, 2001 · Lake Buena Vista, Florida

"Alice! Alice!" I slowly opened my eyes and saw both Corey and Joey sitting on my bunk. Corey was nearly in tears and Joey looked extremely stressed out.

"Thank fucking God you're okay."

Corey pulled me into a bone crushing hug. "Can't- breathe-" I choked out.

"Where the fuck is Sid?" Joey asked me. I shrugged.

"I'm not his keeper. Fuck if I know or care where the hell he is." I said back to them and Joey sighed of relief.

"She's just fine, dude." Joey said to Corey and put his hand on my knee.

"Glad you're alright Ali." Joey then left the bunk and Corey pulled me back into a hug.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Just shut up and let me be your damn friend again." I sighed and eventually hugged him back. He pulled me to sit sideways on his lap as he sat up with his back against the wall. He ran his fingers through my hair and we stayed like that for a long time.

"Is she okay?" We heard from outside. My heart started going crazy when I recognized the voice.

"Wouldn't you like to fucking know? You're the one who was supposed to make sure of that! What would you do if she wasn't?" Hanna was out there yelling at Sid. I couldn't hear his response and a few moments later the curtain on my bunk was ripped open.

I jumped and saw Sid there. "Should've fucking known." He stormed back off to wherever it was he came from. Neither Corey or I said a word. I truly don't have any more words for him.

"Cor?" I asked as I looked up at him.

He moved his hand from my hair as I did so. "Yeah, sweetie?"

"I just wanna be alone but I want my guitar." I told him and he thankfully didn't argue.

He left the bunk momentarily and brought my guitar back to me and I thanked him silently, then he was gone. I started strumming and tuning the guitar for a few. I just played random chords for a long time before I had words coming to me.

I grabbed my notebook and pen from under my pillow and wrote out some stuff then laid it down on the bed in front of me. Clearing my throat, I started piecing it together as a song.

"I kill myself in small amounts. In each relationship it's not about love. Just another funeral / And just another girl left in tears. And I'm waiting, with the sound turned off, I'm waiting. / Like a glass balloon, I'm fading. Into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone... / They said that hell's not hot - they said that hell's not hot. / I gave my soul to someone else. He must have known that it was already sold. / But it was never about him; it was about the hurt. So, I'm waiting. / With the sound turned off, I'm waiting. Like a glass balloon, I'm fading. / Into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone... I kill myself in small amounts. / In each relationship it's not about love. Just another funeral and just another girl left in tears. / Waiting. With the sound turned off, I'm waiting. Like a glass balloon, I'm fading / Into the void and then I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone... Waiting, waiting. I'm fading / I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone. They said that hell's not hot, they said that hell's not hot."

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