"I'm just different, I'm special. And you never felt like this before. I mean, please. I sleep with everyone, too."
Inspired by the song 'French Benefits' by Sid Wilson
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* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.
Thursday · May 24, 2001 · Salt Lake City, Utah
"She seems dressed in all of me. Stretched across my shame; all the torment and the pain leaked through and covered me / I'd do anything to have her to myself - just to have her to myself. Now I don't know what to do when she makes me sad / She is everything to me; the unrequited dream. A song that no one sings; the unattainable / She's a myth that I have to believe in. All I need to make it real is one more reason / I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad / But I won't let this build up inside of me. Won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me / Catch in my throat - choke - torn into pieces - I won't - No - I don't want to be this / But I won't let this build up inside of me. Won't let this build up inside of me. I won't let this build up inside of me / She isn't real - I can't make her real - She isn't real - I can't make her real."
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I heard Corey singing on the bus. Everyone else had left the bus to go do something, but I just stayed in my bunk. Corey seemed to do the same. I really don't want to be around anyone right now. Last night after everything calmed down, Sam came back to apologize to me and said she only acted the way she did to prove that Sid and I love each other and what we're doing is petty. We hugged for a while, and I apologized sincerely to her.
A couple of hours later, a drunken and high Sid came to my bunk and fell asleep beside me.
"This doesn't make everything magically alright. I need to be by myself today," I explained to Sid when we woke up.
Of course, an argument ensued.
"You do this shit more often than not, Ali. Is there ever going to be a day when you just wake up happy with me?"
"It works both ways, Sid." I replied, leaving the bunk to get a shower and collect my thoughts.
So here I am, hours later, just sitting in my bunk listening to Corey sing whatever it is he's writing now. It's quite beautiful to my ears, but sad at the same time. I have the darkest feeling in my gut about the song's meaning but push those thoughts away.
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Sunday · May 27, 2001 · Cheyenne, Wyoming
What was originally supposed to be just a few hours to myself turned into a few days. Many arguments with everyone later, I'm sitting in the dressing room ready to get out some frustration on stage tonight.
I've been focused on writing and practicing my hand at guitar. Paul has been helping me a little, as well as Chris; he used to play guitar a few years back, even for Slipknot before their final line-up.
"How the fuck are you tonight?!" I shouted out into the audience.
"We were neurophobic and perfect / The day that we lost our souls / Maybe we weren't so human / But if we cry, we will rust / And I was a hand grenade / That never stopped exploding / You were automatic / And as hollow as the 'O' in God/ I'm never gonna be the one for you / I'm never gonna save the world from you /This isn't me, I'm not mechanical / I'm just a girl playing the Suicide Queen..."
