French Benefits

16/ Solitude

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

Friday · March 23, 2001 · Holmdel, New Jersey

I ignored everyone's questions and accusations as I showed back up at the hotel this morning. Sid was beyond pissed off at me, but he knew he also had no right to be.

"Where the fuck did you disappear to last night, Ali?" Sid seethed at me.

"Somewhere I wasn't being questioned 24-fucking-7!" I yelled and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

"I just don't understand you sometimes! We have days where everything's great. Then you turn into a cold hearted bitch. Why, Ali? I've never done anything to hurt you." Sid yelled through the door.

◊◊◊

My girls were annoyed but only because they put their noses where they certainly don't belong. I shut it all down within a minute by telling them all to fuck off and eat a dick.

I've spent my whole day pissing everyone off by Corey's side. Sid hasn't talked to me at all today since the small argument earlier and I decided to ask him if we could have a talk. We have a long time still on this tour and we should be on speaking terms at least.

"Sid? Can we grab some coffee? I wanna talk to you... without everyone else around,"

He rolled his eyes but otherwise agreed.

He met me at a coffee shop between the hotel and the venue since I needed a pick-me-up with my all nightery I just pulled. Our introduction was short and awkward; just a series of 'hi' echoed between us.

"What's up?" Sid asked without looking at me. This booth felt like it was closing in; I'm so uncomfortable it's unreal.

"Just uh- drinking coffee to not die." I rested my chin on my hand.

"So that's it?" he asked, finally daring to look at me.

"I slept with someone last night," I spat out without thinking. Both our eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh. That's great. I see you really took my prior advice on the meaningless drunk sex," he started to stand up but changed his mind and sat back down.

"Why did you bring me here just to rub it in that you fucked someone else?"

I sighed and took another long drink of my coffee. "I'm not fucking good at this shit!" I told him.

"I can fucking tell. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, Alice. You already killed them," I threw my hand up to silence him.

"You know what we are, or aren't, so why are you always acting like you fucking own me? That's what gets so under my skin. You know, if you would just stop being such a drama queen I could probably just fuck you all the time and go on about my day-to-day shit. But everything is a big deal to you. We have too long left on this tour to act like kids in high school. Can't we just be adults, fuck, hang out, and just not be assholes to one another?"

I could see the wheels turning in his mind. I know he didn't wanna stop having sex with me, and if he ignores me completely he will have to. Finally, he nodded and held out his hand for a shake. I leaned across the booth and hugged him. At least that's settled now...

◊◊◊

The shows were fucking awesome. It's about 3 a.m. and the bands are just now done playing. We all headed towards the entrance when I heard my name being called – my full name. I turned around and saw Layne Staley, front man of Alice In Chains.