French Benefits

14/ Gotta Go

* DISCLAIMER: Contains explicit language, drug use, violent references, sexual content.

Thursday · March 8, 2001 · Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

So after talking with all of my band mates about everything that's been doing on with me, Phil, Sid and my fucked up mind last night... They convinced me that having closure with Phil was a great thing to help me officially move on. Especially knowing that we still wouldn't work out now, even years down the road.

They tried to talk me into dating Sid but I just can't. Too many things have happened recently, and I'm still not completely convinced that I want to be in another relationship. "But you love each other!" was their argument. And who ever said I loved Sid? I'm just happy having sex. Plus I can't love someone I don't know.

◊◊◊

This is the last night we play with Pantera, and I can't say I'm excited to see Phil again. After reading the letter he had left in my bag, I feel... actually, I'm not sure how to finish that. I guess strange would be the word. I know one thing for sure; it doesn't make me want him back.

Shrugging, I got dressed for the show and headed to soundcheck with everyone.

"Good evening fuckers! How the fuck are you doing tonight?!" I yelled to the crowd from Hanna's microphone.

"One, two, FUCK YOU!" Hanna screamed as we started our show.

As usual for us, we saved our slow songs for last. "We have a couple more for you," I said into my mic before we launched into 'Settling Down'.

"Though you're always on my mind, found a sickness that was mine. / Chose a life out on the run. All alone inside this game, until I'm done. / Sometimes I don't think I can trust myself anymore. / Seems I've failed you all my life. Youthful dreams I'd be your wife. Before I fall into the sun, if there never is again, you were the one. / Sometimes I don't think I can trust myself anymore. So I don't feel that I can love you anymore. / On this settling down.. Oh, I better lay down and rest awhile. So I don't feel that I can love you anymore. / On this settling down.. Oh, I better lay down and rest awhile. So I don't feel that I can love you anymore. / On this settling down.. Oh, I better lay down and rest awhile. And, I say no..."

- - -

"All the shades of gray that loom inside me / No one's ever home and there's no one around me / Such a perfect waste this soul behind me / No one really knows what truly drives me / I know what I've done wrong / I knew it all along / I can't let it go, let it go / Run away / Look away / Leave me behind you / I'm stuck in my ways / All the things we read that have designed me / All the hell I've seen, it still confines me / All the pain I've held, it's still inside me / All the rage I have, it still completes me / I know what I've done wrong / I knew it all along / I can't let it go, let it go / Run away / Look away / Leave me behind you / I'm stuck in my ways."

◊◊◊

I made my way outside the venue to smoke and saw Phil sitting on the curb alone. "You uh- you alright?" I asked as I took a seat beside him, offering my cigarette.

Hedidn't say a word. He just looked over at me with a pained expression on hisface. He took the cigarette from me and smoked nearly half of it in about aminute. I sighed deeply and pulled another from my pack that was stuffed in myjeans pocket. Lighting it, I didn't try and talk anymore.