AN// TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide, self-harm, and depression :(
(y/n pov)
Your hands shook as you looked down at the body of water beneath you. It wasn't too deep. But some of your tallest friends could just keep their head up while standing in it. And you? You couldn't swim.
You let the tears roll down your cheeks as you wiped them away, rethinking, over and over again what you were about to do. You'd contemplated it before, plenty of times. You couldn't' imagine your life any further than the next week. So why were you thinking about the future now?
---
You'd never understood what was wrong. It'd always been there, you just never knew. When your best friend got mad at you when you were younger, you always thought you had to make yourself physically hurt for it. And that's as far as you can remember, really. 6-year-old y/n, poking herself with safety pins.
And then it was in 4th grade. That was when you couldn't stand what you saw in the mirror. You were only 9. But you could tell what was ugly and what wasn't. And you were what anyone would define ugly.
So when you got an answer wrong in class in 6th grade, you poked yourself with your pencils. Lead pencils. They worked the best. Stab them into your thigh, and they'd bruise ever so slightly. They wouldn't bleed- but they hurt.
It was also then, you realized you were suicidal. See, you had no idea why. You just didn't want to live. You couldn't picture yourself, living any further to the next day. You hated it, just because you couldn't figure out why. Why was it you that wanted to kill yourself this bad?
And it only worsened from there. Crying yourself to sleep. The pain you gave yourself was only worsening, to scars that would take years to go away. Taking medication to help you sleep at night, just to stop the overthinking you did. You hated it. Yourself. You hated it more than anything in the world.
And then, one night. You were home alone. And that was it. You were done. Everything was wrong. You didn't need to be here anymore. So you sat on the floor, the bottle of bleach in your shaking hands. But you shook yourself out of it. You screwed the lid right back on and stood up, reaching for your phone.
You didn't text any of your friends. You didn't call anyone. You went straight to youtube. Typing in the name of those who made you the happiest. Clicking the first video that popped up. Just being their goofiest selves, making everyone laugh. Wiping at your eyes, you felt a smile on your face. Not a fake one. A real, down from your heart, smile.
They never failed to make you smile. And they were your escape. That night with the bleach wasn't your last attempt at ending your life. You always came back to it, thinking it was the only way out. The only way to cope with the bullshit you called your life. But soon you realized it wasn't.
The twins. The Dolan Twins. The honest to god only reason you were still alive. The thought of them made you smile. Tuesday's being the only day you woke up with something to look forward to. You never shut up about them, just thinking of them made you a whole new person.
Not to say you were happy. You weren't. It was just the twins. They always cheered you up. Always. They were always there. You'd lost so many people throughout your life. So many. But the two people who always stayed? Ethan and Grayson.
Sure, they didn't know you existed. They didn't even know your name. But they were there for you, weren't they? They loved you. They did, and you told yourself so every day. Through everything, no matter what, watching their videos made you smile. They gave you a reason to live.
And even though you loved the both of them, so so much. It was something about Ethan. Something that made your insides go all tingly. It wasn't his looks, never their looks. It was him. The way he talked. The way he smiled. And his laugh- oh my god his laugh. You loved him. It felt as if he were to tell you everything was going to be okay, it really would.
Yes, you loved Grayson. You loved him just as much as you loved Ethan. But it was something else with Ethan. You really truly felt like you were in love with Ethan. Like you were going to marry him. Something told you, you and Ethan were just meant to be.
---
You stared down at the water, waves flowing carelessly. You wanted to die. You really did. Everything was wrong. And the only thing you could do was end it all. Right this second. No one would notice, would they?
You'd written no letter. No note, not text. In fact, you'd thrown your phone into the lake minutes ago. What was the point? The one chance you'd ever get to meet the twins was gone. You could never tell them how much you loved them. How much they meant to you. No one understood. No one understood how much they really fucking meant to you. You just wanted them to understand.
They were going on tour. Again. And this time, you knew them. They were coming near you. You could've gone to see them. But the tickets. They'd sold out before you could get one. And not to mention the price. The price was reasonable, it really was. You just couldn't afford them.
And now the day was here. The day they were holding a meet and greet, not far from where you lived. And it made your heartache. They were here, so close, and you couldn't see them. You thought you never would. Why would you? How could you?
And just as you were about to step down from the bridge, fall right into the water, a voice stopped you. A far too familiar voice. It was him.
"Hey!" It shouted. You froze, staring down at him, his eyebrows furrowed with confusion. "I don't know what's wrong, but whatever it is, I promise you, it's going to get better, I promise you," He said softly, walking closer to the bridge.
You dropped your hands by your sides, tears filling your eyes again. "E-Ethan," You whispered. His eyes widened ever so slightly and he nodded.
"Come down, please," He said. You let out a sob, covering your mouth. He opened his arms wide and gave you a small smile. "Everything's going to be okay," He said quietly.
There it was. The words you'd wanted to hear, from the person you needed to hear it from. And you were right. Everything did feel like it was going to be okay. Your heart clenched as you walked down slowly towards him. He met you half-way wrapping his arms around you.
You cried into his shoulder. You felt so at home. You really were home. You were in Ethan's arms. The man you'd fallen in love with a few years ago. You sighed as you pulled away from him, wiping at your face. He gave you a small smile.
"Th-thank you," You whispered, tripping on your words. He smiled.
"What's your name?" He asked. You gave him a small smile.
"Y/N," You said slowly. He repeated it and you nodded. "I- I love you and Gr-Grayson so much," You whispered. He smiled.
"We love you," He said, pulling you into another hug. "What- what are you doing here?" He asked, arms still around you. You sighed.
"I- I couldn't get tickets, and I'm just so- I have the worst life," You whispered. He shook his head and pushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. "I want to die," You whispered. He shook his head, pulling you against him.
"Don't die, the world needs you," He whispered. You shook your head. "Yes, it does, y/n," He continued. You let out a sigh.
"I have so much I want to tell you," You whispered. He smiled. "You have- you have no idea how much you mean to me," You whispered, surprising yourself with how calm you were being. He smiled.
"I love you too," He whispered. You gave him a small smile.
"You don't know me, Ethan," You started. "You can't love me," You whispered, a tear rolling down your cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb. He smiled, pressing his forehead to yours.
"I want to know you," He whispered. "I want to know you so much more."
