Reality || L.H.

Chapter 17

"Wanna play twenty questions?" Blake asks casually as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

I hug my arms tightly around myself, cold. We're in the park just across the street from the club, faded music still playing in the background. "What are you, five?" I shoot back between clenched teeth. It's hard not to think about how, if he had stayed far away, my life would be perfect.

"I like twenty questions," he says defensively, a soft smile playing at the edges of his mouth. "Look, I'll even start. What's your favorite color?"

I roll my eyes, but concede. "Blue." I push away all my reasons as to why because they're all full of memories of Luke. Blue is his favorite color, the color of his eyes, the color of the ocean we spent hours beside. But none of that is really mine anymore. Blue reminds me of everything I've lost.

"Now you ask me something," Blake prompts patiently as he leads the way past the pond in the middle of the park.

I sigh and cross my arms over my chest. "Fine," I snap. "Why do you have to be such an asshole all the time?"

"I never thought I would grow up to be an ass, but here I am, killin' it," he jokes. Switching a more serious tone, Blake asks me a question in return. "What's your favorite smell?"

Sighing, I give in to his little game and tip my head back to think. I love the smell of the ocean as it crashes against the shore. I love the smell of a new book, and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and the earth after it's just rained. I love whenever I press my face to Luke's shoulder and inhale the smell of him; sea salt, vanilla and the wind.

The memory of Luke hurts more than I expected it to. I stop walking, tears springing to my eyes. It feels hard to breathe, like I can't get enough air. Blake comes to a stop too, turning to look at me with concern.

"I can't do this," I whisper, bringing my hands up to curl in my hair frustratedly. "I can't pretend like everything's back to the way it was four years ago, Blake, I just can't!" I scream the last part, angry at myself for believing that I could go back to a time when there was no heartache. "I can't just act like nothing's changed when everything has."

A single tear running down my cheek, I cross the distance between us. "I stopped loving you a long time ago, Blake. I can't force myself to love you anymore than I can force myself to forget all about Luke. So stop trying to get me to jump back into your arms. I'm done falling for whatever shit comes out of your mouth. I'm done-"

I'm cut off suddenly as Blake grabs my face roughly and kisses me like he needs it to live. My eyes fly wide open in surprise and I start to take a step away, but think better of it. It's familiar. Hesitantly, I start to kiss him back. For two years, this was my life, my constant. These arms were always there to hold me. Until they weren't.

There was Piper, her hands tangled in his hair as they were lying on his bed, kissing. This isn't what it looks like, Kat. We're your friends. I back up, furious at myself for letting my guard down. Blake looks helplessly, opening his mouth to speak as he reaches a hand out to me.

"No," I say forcefully, raising a hand to stop him. "I can't do this again."

"Kat," Blake pleads as I back up from him. "Kat, please."

I turn and run out of the park back towards the club. I kick the closest object as I whirl to sink down onto the concrete sidewalk just outside the club, burying my face in my hands as I cry. Two boys that were one mine, gone in a single night. Luke doesn't need me anymore; he has that other girl now. Blake cheated on me with my best friend, and after two years of letting me suffer, came back and said that it was all a big misunderstanding. Wherever I turn, I'm either hurting someone or getting hurt. I'm tired of pretending to be ok.

"Kat, I just wanna talk!" Blake calls as he jogs down the street to meet me. I'm too exhausted to bother running away again. He slows down and takes a seat beside me, his brown eyes are full of heartache and empathy, concern and fear. "Look, I'm really sorry about you and Luke, I truly am. But I can't lie and say I'm not just a little bit glad you broke up. I made a mistake when I left without telling you the truth, I know I did." He shifts onto one knee, pleading with me. "Give me a second chance, Kat. I swear I won't let you down."

I look at him through the tears spilling down my cheeks. "I need time, Blake," I whisper, my voice breaking. "It's too soon after Luke for anything right now. Until then... please don't expect anything out of me. I can't..."

He sets a gentle hand on my shoulder and I look up to meet his gaze. "Hey, it's okay, I understand. Until you tell me you're ready, I won't try anything. Just... let me back into your life, Kat. I want to know what's your favorite movie, what songs make you cry, what your go-to stress food is, whether you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up."

I bite my lip, ducking my head. Can't he see how hard this is for me? "Just can't right now, Blake. Please stop."

He nods and moves to give me space. Raking a hand through his hair, he leans back against the wall, content to just sit with me in the dark on the sidewalk outside of a strip club. For a moment I let myself pretend that we never broke up, that there was never a Luke or a Piper to come between us. It's not a bad fantasy. 

xx

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