Truth

chapter 31

'Liv'

Embarrassment, such a small little word, it doesn't even come close to describing the way I'm feeling right now. I've been a fool, such a stupid fucking fool. I felt myself beginning to let my guard down around him and he used that as a way to inflict pain against me.

It's not even really the fact he was with Meghan, although the thought makes bile rise in my throat. I truly thought he cared for me in some small way, after all he came for me the night I fell apart and he quickly became the glue that held me together. Only to smash me into pieces Infront of everyone at the coffee shop.

I head into my closet and pull out exactly what I need right now. I bring the emergency bottle to my lips and tilt my head back gulping the liquid down eagerly. I don't even feel the normal burning sensation as it makes contact with my throat, the pain I feel in my chest is to overwhelming to feel anything else.

I slide down the wall, sinking my aching body to the floor and place the glass bottle down next to me. Noticing the damp patches against my white shirt, I bring my shaking hands to my cheeks and feel the wetness of my tears. I hadn't even realised I was still crying.

Why pretend? That's what I should have asked him. Why act the way he had with me if I was meaningless, a game, a fucking conquest? Did he not feel the same energy between us that I had? Am I just making up things in my head that didn't even really happen?

Maybe he wasn't as gentle and caring as I think, maybe he didn't look and kiss me the way that I remember, maybe I've lost my fucking mind.

I retrieve the bottle and drink heavily in a bid to rid his image from my head. I wish I never did those intimate things with him this morning, it makes everything feel that much worse. I did it because I felt something, it meant something to me. It wasn't just a hook up or fooling around as he seems to think.

I don't even know what I expected to happen between us afterwards. All I know is I want him, wanted him. I take another swig of the liquid and I begin to feel the effects of the alcohol kick into my blood stream. My head is swimming and my ears are buzzing.

Unsteadily I pull my body towards the mirror and take a glance at my reflection. My eyes are slightly swollen and bloodshot from the tears that won't seem to stop falling. My face is crimson and shining with the wetness of my eyes, my hair, my hair...

I crawl towards my dresser on my hands and knees and pull out my stationary bag from the bottom drawer. Making my way back, I settle myself Infront of the mirror and continue drinking from the half full bottle of liquor.

Unzipping the bag I reach inside and feel the coolness of metal brush across my fingertips. Closing my hand around what I'm searching for, I pull them out. I stare at myself holding onto the sharp pair of scissors in the mirror, I look crazed, I feel crazier.

Without a second thought, I part my long hair in half, hanging each side over my shoulders. Grabbing one handful in a white knuckled fist, I begin hacking at my hair with the scissors. Letting it fall down over my legs and across the carpeted floor along with my tears. When I've finished I turn on the other side ridding myself of my long dark locks.

Placing the scissors down onto the remains of my hair, I bring my eyes to stare back up to my reflection.
Only my reflection doesn't look like me, this girl looks different, still broken but different. My choppy dark hair now rests below my collarbone.

I should feel regret, but I feel nothing. I just don't have it left in me to care about something so insignificant. Im aware it's not a normal thing to do but when has anything I've done ever been normal? I've always found it almost impossible not to react on my emotions.

I didn't like the person that I saw, the one who constantly makes mistakes, the girl who feels used, the one every one is laughing at and now I don't look like her. So why do I still continue to cry?

All the faces of the people who played a part in moulding me into this fucked up person enter my mind. My Dad, my Mom, my old friends, Tyler and now Jace. 'You are nothing!' Meghan's voice repeats over and over again like a broken soundtrack to my mind, she's right, I am nothing.

I break down, no longer do the silent tears fall, they've been replaced by full on shaking, uncontrollable, hysterical sobs. I don't even hear the door open, I don't even hear her voice. I just feel the small warm arms of Sammie, as she wraps them tightly around my body, holding me.

"Liv what's happened? what happened to you?" Her voice is laced with concern and pity but I can't bring myself to speak. Her delicate hands hold onto my wet face and she gently brings me to gaze at her bright blue eyes.
"You can tell me anything, I'm here Liv please let me help you!"

Needing to get the darks thoughts out of my mind I tell her, not everything but I tell her about my mom, Jace and Meghan, all the lies I've been telling her and my fucked up reasons why. I expect her to be disgusted by my behaviour but she doesn't show it, if anything she shows understanding.

"I'm so sorry!" I continue to cry but she just shakes her head softly at me.
"Don't you ever be sorry, I just wish you felt like you could have spoken to me sooner. I meant what I said Liv, I know we haven't known each other long but I'm here for you and I'll help you if you want me to." I nod my weary head at her and hold onto her tightly.

She lifts me up with her off the floor and brings me to sit on the edge of my bed. I've only just noticed she's put my new bedding and cushions on ready for me to come home to and for some reason it makes me cry even more. She sits next to me stroking over my ruined hair.
"I'm going to get this cleaned up okay?" I nod the only response I'm able to give.

She grabs the garbage can and makes her way over to the destruction I've left by my closet. She begins scooping up a large pile of hair in her hands and places it carefully inside. I see her own fresh tears fall from her face as she continues to clean up my mess.

Once Sammie has erased the evidence of my breakdown, she helps dress me into a clean pair of pajamas. I crawl into my fresh new bed, an empty shell of the girl I was only this morning and I'm greatful when Sammie cuddles into me, offering more of her much needed comfort.

She continues to stroke over my hair to soothe me into a much needed sleep.
"I promise Liv tomorrow we'll sort everything out, please don't worry about anything else right now, I'm not going anywhere."
I feel myself drift away but my sleep is anything but peaceful, it's filled with the faces of my tormentors and Jace's harrowing words.