Our Endless Story

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"But I'm sorry."

What?

Anong sorry?

"What do you mean, doc?" Kinakabahang tanong ko dito. Please wag naman nega, dahil hindi ko yun matatanggap! Kahit alam ko nang bad news na ito.

"I'm really sorry to tell you about this, but your girl is dead."

Okay.

Nabingi na ako ng tuluyan.

Wala akong narinig sa sinabi ng doctor.

Pero kung ano man ang narinig ko, hindi yun totoo.

But your girl is dead.

Your girl is dead.

Noooooooooooooooooooo!!! Hindiiiiiiiiii pwedeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hindi ko yun matatanggap!!

Hindi ko naramdaman na kanina pa pala tumulo ang aking luha. I can't help it but to cry instead, dahil hindi ko masukat ang dala nitong sakit sa aking pagkatao.
That feeling na excited kang lumabas siya, hindi mo pa nga nahahawakan pero wala na.

Why didn't you give me a chance to make you laugh, my little angel?

Bakit nawala ka kaagad?

Dali-dali kong kinuha ang aking anak sa kaniya. And there I found out na nangingitim ito. By the looks of it, it's asphyxia; this is when my baby doesn't get enough oxygen before or during the birth. One of the cause of neonatal death.

Inihiga ko siya temporarily sa isa pang vacant bed dito. Pero don't worry anak because I can't lay you down to sleep forever. Kase your Mommy Punky wants to take care of you pa. And speaking of my asawa, hindi ko siya napansin pagkatapos niyang bitawan ang aking kamay kanina.

Urghhhh. Mababaliw na--

"Mahal, our bunso. . . . "
Napabaling ako nang marinig ko ang kaniyang boses. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag knowing that she's okay. But she is crying . To our bunso.

I didn't waste any time. I immediately open the airway while I tilt the head back slightly and lift her chin. It's soft. It's delicate. It's fragile. It's like my heart. Please be alive my little darling, because I'm going to tell you a thousands stories pa with your Kuya. You want that? Then fight with me. DaDia's will never leave her bunso alone.

My only choice is to do the cardiopulmonary resuscitation into her. I deliver two rescue breaths, and then, I use my two fingers to deliver 30 quick compression that are 1.5 inches deep in her chest. I pressed slowly and carefully dahil infant pa lang ito. Baka kase mabali ang buto niya.

Sana hindi kapa patay nung nasa tiyan ka pa lang ng Mommy mo, kase wala kang chance na mabubuhay pa, anak. Pero for now, hindi muna ako susuko sayo. Kase isa kang malaking kawalan sa buhay namin. We can't live without our little princess. Your Kuya is waiting for you, he is waiting for his playmate to wake up. Kaya please, gising na. Your Lola's are also waiting for you outside. Matitiis mo ba ang mga ninuno mo?

I repeat what I did kanina habang naghihintay sa mga senyales na hindi ko pa rin nakikita hanggang ngayon. Hindi ako mapapagod na gawin ito nang paulit-ulit hangga't hindi ko pa naririnig ang iyak mo. My ears are itching for your voice, anak. Give melodies to our aching heart please. Show to us that there's a rythmn in our crumbled notes. We are aiming for the high and low pitch with you until the end of music. You are the song in our playlist. Boring ng buhay kapag walang musika. Kapag wala ka.

 
Patuloy lang ako sa aking ginagawa habang unti-unti na akong sinasampal ng reyalidad na hindi na ito mabubuhay pa. Ilang beses ko nang inuulit pero parang wala ng pag-asa. She is not showing any signs.

Sumuko kana ba, anak? Tuluyan mo na ba kaming iniwan? Ang daya mo naman. Hindi pa nga namin alam kung paano ka ngumiti o tumawa man lang. Kung paano ka umiyak. Hindi ko na masisilayan ang maganda mong mata, hindi rin kita makukwentuhan pa with your Kuya. Gusto pa sana kitang alagaan, at makitang lumaki. I really wanted to see you running around the house. To hear what your voice sounds like when you call me "Diya, or DaDia, or whatever it is". Gusto rin kitang makita in one frame with your Mommy and Kuya. Gusto ko rin malaman kung paano mo ako gigisingin sa umaga para yayain maglaro. And also, I'm badly wanted to feel how your kisses and hugs feels like. I wanted to know how to be loved by my little princess. How I wish. . . To be your first dance when you hit eighteen. To be there in your first heartbreak, so that I could punch that moron's face really hard for breaking my living heart. To walk you on aisle, and seeing you are happy. Why didn't you give me a chance to do and feel all of these? Why you left us early? Is there an urgency to go in heaven? I don't want to do this but, I'm going to give up on you. I'm going to let you go, so that you can run free in the meadow while touching different flowers along the way. But wait for us, okay?

I took another glance at my little angel dahil bukas hindi ko na ito makikita. Ang sakit sa puso knowing na ito na ang huli. Huli na makikita ang iyong bunsong anak. Wala nang ibang araw. Kase aalis na ito permanently. Hindi mo talaga kami binigyan ng pagkakataon to be with you, anak. Pero mahal na mahal ka pa rin namin. We will keep you in our memories forever.

I kissed her softly in the forehead knowing that this is the first and last kiss to my daughter. Hindi ko mapigilang umiyak. Alam kong wala kana next year so, I won't let this moment pass out without greeting you a happy birthday. I'm sorry kung walang cake anak, hindi kase masaya eh.

Tumayo na ako kahit hindi ko kaya. I can't take my eyes off of you. Kahit anong pilit ko na pakawalan ka, hindi ko talaga kaya. Pero salamat bunso na dumating ka sa buhay namin for a very short period of time. Nasilayan kita for a moment. Our once living heart.

So

Take a rest now, baby. But don't worry because we will still play in a dream. In the sweet playground of illusions, in the reality of unreal. . . And savoring the sweet fantasy of it, just to make you forget that you're far from your home.

Tuluyan na akong napatalikod sa kaniya. Sobrang tapang ko na ginawa ko ang isang bagay na sobrang hirap. I just let her go. I'm really sorry, anak.

We're going to meet in a dream nalang.

I took the courage to walk kahit wala akong lakas. And there, nakita ko ang asawa kong umiiyak. Wala na bang may ikakasakit ang nangyari sa araw na it--

"Diana, she moved!"