Chasing Home (NFL)

Reconsiderations

“If you could read my mind
You might see more of me than meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out”

– “On the Outside Looking In” by Jordan Pruitt

Chapter 6: Reconsiderations

            “I can’t wait to get out of here,” Abigail huffed. She had just finished stuffing her suitcase full of clothes for Christmas break. I sat on my bed, watching her calmly. I had already packed the day prior. I still had one more final to go that day before I could leave to spend the break with Eli.

            “I’m glad we’re all switching roommates,” said Hannah, a girl from Maine with blond hair and piercing green eyes. She and Abigail had become great friends, and they both hated me.

            Hannah’s current roommate Lily stood next to her on the other side of the room. “It’s probably for the best,” she said in her soft voice. We didn’t hang out all the time, but we were friends. She was from New Jersey and a Giants fan, though she wasn’t really into sports. It was nice to talk to her without the pressure I usually felt from the students at this college.

            “Oh, you two will be great together,” I said, nodding from Abigail to Hannah. “You deserve each other.” Both of them were incredibly annoying. I was glad to be getting rid of them.

            Abigail shot me a look. “I will not be missing this room.” She stood up and took hold of her suitcase. “Hannah, will you help me take this out to my car?”

            “Of course,” Hannah said. She looked at me with narrowed eyes for a few seconds before following my roommate out the door.

            “It was such a joy to have her around,” I said sarcastically when both of them were gone.

            “At least we’ve come up with a better arrangement,” Lily said, smiling slightly. “I’m looking forward to next semester. I’m sure it will be better.”

            I gave my friend a small smile. “Yeah, maybe.” I really was grateful that she would be my new roommate. It would make the rest of the year in New York much more bearable. “I’m still not sure if I’m going to stay here, though.”

            Lily gave me a sympathetic look. “The first semester is the hardest. It may get better.”

            I shrugged and looked at the floor. “Maybe.”

            “I have to go. Have a good Christmas.”

            I looked up at her and nodded. “Merry Christmas.”

            She gave me one last smile before walking out of the room. Then I was alone, wondering if anything was going to change.

***

            The Monday before Christmas I found myself roaming a New York park with Brett. We both enjoyed outdoor walks, so it was a good bonding experience. Plus, we did not mind the cold while others did, so we were about as alone as we could be in the big city. Still, it was nothing like Green Bay. I tried not to think about my old city as we walked and idly talked.

            “Have you signed up for classes?” Brett asked.

            I nodded. “I’m taking four core classes and the next psychology class.”

            “You know, you don’t have to stay at Manhattan College all four years,” Brett said after a minute of silence. “I know you’re not too fond of New York. You could always transfer.”

            I did not respond at first. He was right, and it was something I had been thinking about. If I did leave New York, where would I go? “I don’t want to leave Eli. He’s so happy that I’m here with him. I don’t want to let him down.”

            “I’m sure he wants you to be happy as well,” Brett said. “If New York isn’t satisfying you, I think you should talk to him about it.”

            “He’d say I haven’t given it enough time.”

            “Well, then how about a compromise?” Brett stopped walking and turned to face me. “It can be awkward to transfer colleges because of your core requirements, so how about you plan to leave after two years when all of that is completed? That will give you enough time to make up your mind about New York and decide where to go next.”

            I blinked. That actually sounded very reasonable. “I could do that. Thanks for the idea.”

            Brett gave me a small smile. “No problem. And talk to your brother. He may be able to give you additional advice.”

            I glanced at the ground. “Right. I will.” But I was not looking forward to that conversation. I lifted my head when a question of my own came to me. “Are you going to stay in New York? If you want to play next year, that is.”

            “I don’t think that’s likely,” Brett said. “If they want me and I feel like I can play I would stay, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. The season has not turned out the way all of us had hoped.”

            I nodded. “Right. Would you want to play somewhere else?”

            Brett shook his head. “I don’t know, Lauren. It’s hard to make these kind of decisions this early.”

            “I was just wondering.” I had to admit, it would be a bit of a disappointment if I did not get to see him play next year. The concept seemed bizarre to me. Well, it looked like both of us were going to have to wait to see what fate had in store for us.

***

            The New York Jets’ at first promising season ended in disaster. The Giants, meanwhile, won their division and advanced to the playoffs. The first game was at one on January eleventh. I was looking forward to a good game. Unfortunately, I was to be disappointed.

            The Giants only scored three field goals and got a safety due to intentional grounding. The Eagles, meanwhile, scored two touchdowns and three field goals. The final score was 23-11. Needless to say, Eli did not play his best. I could feel the team’s disappointment rolling off like waves as they exited the field as the game reached its conclusion. This was not how the season was supposed to end.

            I decided to spend the next Saturday with Eli in an attempt to cheer him up. After spending time playing video games, though, silence engulfed us as he we sat on the couch together.

            Then I remembered my conversation with Brett several weeks prior. I still had not talked to my brother about it. Now seemed as good of a time as any. “Eli?” I began tentatively.

            “What?” he said as he looked to me, his expression calm.

            I bit my lip and glanced down. Why was this so hard? “Remember at the beginning of the year when I told you I’m not really fitting in in New York?”

            “Sure I do. Has it gotten any better?”

            I looked up at him and frowned. I could see a hint of hope in his eyes, and I hated to crush it. “Actually, no. If anything, it’s gotten worse. Nothing is going right.”

            A look of concern crossed Eli’s face. “What problems are you having? Maybe we can find a way to fix them.”

            I doubted it, but I knew I needed to explain. I wanted him to understand how I was feeling. “New York is too big and busy. There’s too much to see and do. No one has time to say hello or stop and enjoy the surroundings. I miss Midwesterners and Southerners. I miss the wide open spaces, hills, trees, and animals. There isn’t much nature anywhere. I have friends at school, but I’m not close to any of them. I don’t feel like I can be heard here. I stand out because of my family, but no one really knows who I am.”

            I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I hated getting emotional. Usually, I tried to let reason guide me. “I’m sorry, Eli. I love being here with you. I love that part about it. I just wish we were anywhere else.”

            “I understand,” Eli said, giving me a sympathetic look. “I had my reservations about New York at first as well, but I’ve found a way to belong.”

            “That’s just it. I don’t feel like I belong here. The reason I didn’t stay in Green bay is because I wanted to see if there was some other place I was meant to be. Now that I know it’s not New York, I don’t see much point in staying.”

            “You want to transfer? Where do you want to go?”

            I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I want to go somewhere else, but I don’t know where. The only schools I looked at were in New York. This could take awhile.” A paused and looked up at my brother. “I talked to Brett about it. He thinks I should stay at Manhattan College for another year to give me enough time to find the right city.”

            “That doesn’t seem like a bad idea. And maybe you’ll change your mind about New York.”The hopeful look had returned, and I did not have the heart to tell him it was not going to happen, so I simply nodded. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a smile. “Whatever you want to do, Lauren, I’ll support you. I love having you here as well, but if it’s not working out for you, I think you should mind someplace else. Don’t worry about me. I know you’ll do what’s best for you.”

            I felt a warm smile spread across my face. “Thank you, Eli.” I leaned forward and hugged him. I loved him for being so understanding. He never tried to act like he knew better than me even though he was so much older. “I just hope I make the right decision,” I said as I pulled back.

            “I’m sure you will. These things have a way of working themselves out. You’ll end up where you’re meant to be.”

            I remembered my mother saying something similar to me. I was naturally stuck on relying on reason, but she taught me that faith was just as important. Sometimes, I had to let go and trust my intuition. Everything happened for a reason, even if it seemed to make absolutely no sense. I just had to hope that I would be led in the right direction.