Chasing Home (NFL)

Fading Dreams

“Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame”

– “Learn My Lesson” by Daughtry

Chapter 20: Fading Dreams

            Opening day of the NFL season arrived before I was ready. I should have been excited, but the thought of being in New Orleans to see the Saints play made my stomach tighten. There was no backing out now, though. Brett and Cooper expected me to be there.

            I had decided to attend only my first class, Constitutional Law, on Thursday morning and then head to the airport to catch my flight. I walked into the classroom and took my usual seat in the middle. I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out to check the text and then turn it off for class. It was from Brady. I froze when I read the message: Just so you know, I was in a car accident, but I’m fine now and headed to practice.

            What? I screamed in my mind. He had been in a car accident, and now he was just headed to work? What kind of madness was that? Did he have no concern for his own safety? Why had he told me about it?

            “Miss Manning, we are about to start class,” the professor said, and I realized I had suddenly stood up. “Is there a problem?”

            “Tom Brady was in a car accident,” I said, my voice revealing my shock. I heard gasps and saw worried looks. “He’s fine, but I have to go see him.”

            The professor just stared at me in surprise as if unsure of what he should do.

            “Let her go!” Josh cried.

            Finally, the professor snapped out of it and gave me a curt nod.

            I smiled gratefully before picking up my backpack and bolting out of there. My heart hammered in my chest the whole way to Gillette Stadium. Brady had said he was fine, but I needed to see him until I would be able to calm down. Why did this have to happen now?

            As soon as I jumped out of my truck, I ran towards the practice fields as fast as my legs would carry me. There were reporters around, but I ignored them. I skidded to a halt on the sideline, and my eyes darted across the field. Then I saw him. He was wearing his helmet and uniform, and he was stretching with his teammates like usual. He appeared calm and relaxed, like nothing had happened.

            I know Coach Belichick saw me, but he did not stop me from marching onto the field. “Tom!” I exclaimed as I neared him.

            “Lauren,” he said, lifting his head to meet my gaze, “what are you doing here? Don’t you have a flight to catch?”

            I shook my head. “Not until later. What are you doing here?”

            Tom blinked. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be at practice?”

            “Because of what happened!” I received looks from other players and reporters due to my shouting, so I made a note to tone it down. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

            “I’m fine, Lauren. You don’t have to worry about me.”

            I clenched my teeth but did not respond. He could say that all he wanted, but I was still going to worry. How could he be so reckless? Realizing I would not be getting much out of him, I turned and stomped off the field.

            “A call would have sufficed,” Belichick said once I was back on the sideline.

            “No, it wouldn’t have.” My heart was still beating at an irregular pace, and I clenched and unclenched my fists. “Was it his fault?”

            “No. The other car ran a red light.”

I nodded. “Good. If it was his fault I would kill him.” I paused. “He acts like it was no big deal.”

            “It was not to him.” He looked me over, though could not read his expression. “Do you need something, Miss Manning?”

            “I – I don’t feel good.” I clutched my head. It was not that I felt sick. It was more like everything was spinning and there was nothing I could do it control it. “My mom died in a car crash…”

            Something flashed in the coach’s eyes. “Sit down,” he said, motioning to the bench behind us.

            I willingly obliged. It felt better to sit, but I was still not fine. I propped my arms up on my legs and rested my chin on my hands. A few moments later, I saw Brady strolling towards me. “Hey,” he said as he sat down beside me, “are you alright?”

            I shook my head. “Why did you text me like that? Didn’t you know I would freak out?”

            Brady frowned. “I texted you so you would not freak out. I did not want you to find out some other way and worry.”

            “Well, too late for that,” I mumbled.

            “Lauren, nothing happened.”

            “But something could have happened!” His expression told me he had no idea what I was talking about. I sighed. “When he was in college, my Uncle Brett got into a really bad car accident. He was lucky to be alive. The first thing he asked the doctor was whether he would still be able to play football.”

            Brady smiled slightly. “He’s got his priorities straight.”

            “I’m glad I didn’t know him then. My mom died in a car crash.”

            Brady’s eyes flashed in surprise, which was slowly overtaken by understanding. “Lauren, I didn’t mean-”

            “It was a head-on collision,” I said. “The other guy ran a red light. It was a miracle I was not in the car with her. I should have been. I was always with her…”

            “Lauren, I’m sorry,” Tom said, his face full of compassion. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I gratefully leaned into him and held onto him.

            “I don’t want anything to happen to you,” I said softly. He had to know the hidden implication of my words and actions. He had to understand the words I couldn’t say, even in my own mind.

            “I do care about my own life,” he said just as softly as he gently rested his head on top of mine. “I’ve just realized that nothing in life is guaranteed, and you have to live every moment as if it were your last. I know I am blessed to have escaped from the accident unharmed, but worrying about what could have happened is not going to do me any good. I am trying to live in the present so I will not have any regrets in the future. Every moment counts.”

            I felt slightly better as I realized it was not recklessness that had motivated his attitude but something much deeper. What he was saying was attractive, and it was probably a good perspective to have. I did not know how he could do it, though. To not linger on the past or worry about the future seemed to daunting to be a reality.

            “I have to go,” Tom said after a couple of minutes of silence. “You should too. Call me when your plane lands.”

            I slowly pulled away from him and then nodded at him.

            “Everything will be alright,” Tom said, giving me a small smile.

            I let him leave, my eyes trialing after him. His method of dealing with life may have been fine for him, but my mind found the darker side of it. In order to be able to live in the present, there was a rule that had to be followed: Never have something you could not bear to lose.

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