Chasing Home (NFL)

Taking a Chance

“And what would you say if it never really went away?
Would you cry for the years you knew you lost?
And would you take back the lies?
And could you ever look me in the eyes
And say that ‘I will love you ‘till the end?’
I'm so naive, I'm just so naïve”

– “What a Scene” by Long Story Short

Chapter 35: Taking a Chance

            Classes finally started on Wednesday. It felt weird going home after the school day instead of to work. I knew it would take awhile to get used to it. Fortunately, both Tom and Rob would be staying in town until after the Super Bowl. Rob would be going home for a bit afterwards, but he planned to spend most of the offseason in Massachusetts. Tom, on the other hand, would be returning to his home in California after the NFL season was over.

            Though I knew the Super Bowl this year was going to be painful for me, I wished it would not come so soon. I knew I was going to miss Tom when he left. What would Foxborough be without him? At the same time, I thought it would be good to get some distance from him. I would be able to reflect on the past semester and figure out what I really thought about him and the Patriots. I needed to know it was not all in my head.

            Fortunately, the end of work meant that the players had more free time, and I was able to hang out with Tom and Rob for a greater amount of time than in the past within the next week. I also talked to Aaron a bit more. Our conversations were growing longer and smoother, but there was still a ways to go. It took all of my will to do the right thing wish him good luck the night before his next game. His appreciative response made me smile.

Rob agreed to watch NFC and AFC championship games with Freya and me at our apartment. Tom was not feeling up to it, and he did not want me to watch either. I had to watch, though. I did not want to wake up the next morning to find out what horrible combination would make up the Super Bowl. Right now, I did not have positive feelings for any of the four remaining teams.

            “Are you sure you want to watch this?” Rob asked as he plopped down on the couch between Freya and me with a large bowl of popcorn.

            I nodded. “Yes.”

            “Who are you rooting for?” Freya asked curiously.

            I hesitated. I had been avoiding thinking about that question, but it looked like now I was going to have to confront it. “All I know is that I can’t root for the Bears. I was born a Vikings fan and was a Packers fan for most of my life. It’s just not in me to do it. The only way it might be possible is if they were playing the Saints, but they’re not.” Did that mean I was rooting for the Packers? Since the two options were mutually exclusive and I had turned down the first, it would seem so. But that did not mean I had to say it out loud.

            “Aren’t you friends with Aaron Rodgers?” Rob asked.

            I kept my eyes on the TV screen as the Packers emerged from the tunnel. It hurt to see them, and I tried to focus on Aaron. “I’m trying to be.”

            “Isn’t that problematic?” Freya said. “Doesn’t it cause some sort of tension to like him and not his team?”

            “Cognitive dissonance is the term you are looking for,” I said without looking at her.

            “Cognitive what?” Rob said in confusion.

            I sighed. It was another useful social psychology term. “Cognitive dissonance. Like Freya said, it’s tension that occurs when you either hold two contradictory beliefs or believe one thing and act another way. To get rid of the tension, your mind will unconsciously adopt one of the two beliefs or alter your belief to fit with your actions. Granted, you can like a player as a person without liking his team, but it’s an uneasy position at best.”

            I paused as I thought back. “That’s probably what was going on for both Aaron and me when we fought back in 2009. We never had a problem with each other, but our minds likely tricked us into thinking we did to smooth the tension caused by the situation. The same thing could happen now, in reverse, and if it happens to both of us, maybe I can accept it.” It would bring us one step closer to closure for the whole situation. There would still eb problems between Brett and the team and fans, but it was progress.

            “I hope it works out,” Freya said.

            “Me too,” Rob added.

            I gave them a slight smile. “Thanks.”

            We did not speak much as the game began. The first half was a blowout with the Packers achieving two touchdowns and the Bears not getting everything. It did not surprise me that much, considering it was Chicago, even if they were at home. My teeth were clenched through most of halftime. Though I could not root for Chicago, I desperately did not want the Packers to win. Now, that was cognitive dissonance.

The Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler was injured in the third quarter and taken out of the game. The Bears finally got a touchdown in the fourth quarter, but soon after their backup quarterback threw an interception returned for a touchdown for the Packers. Once more Chicago touchdown was not enough to win it. The Packers came away victorious 28-21. They were headed to the Super Bowl.

I could not take it. I leapt up from the couch and stormed to my room, hoping neither of my friends would follow me. I closed the door and turned to my dresser, gripping its sides. “I can’t do it,” I said. “I can’t watch the Super Bowl. I can’t choose… I can’t root for them…” Even for Aaron? a voice that was not my own seemed to say.

The picture of my mom and me caught my eye. I swallowed a lump in my throat. “I can’t. They-”

It doesn’t matter what they did. Love is stronger.

I calmed a little as I stared at the picture. “But it hurts.” I did not feel strong at all.

Choose love.

No, I was not going crazy. My subconscious was speaking to me in the form of my mother’s voice. She had valued love above all else. I knew what she would want me to do. I found myself nodding my head slowly. “I can’t promise anything, but I-I’ll try.” I sucked in a sharp breath before letting go of the desk and exiting my room.

“Hey, are you alright?” Rob asked in concern when I reentered the living room.

“I’ll be fine,” I said with a weak smile.

“Do you want to watch the next game?” Freya asked.

“Will the Jets win?”

“It’s highly unlikely two wildcard teams will face each other in the Super Bowl,” Rob said.

I nodded. “Already.” I reclaimed my spot on the couch and settled down to watch the next game that would decide the matchup at the Super Bowl.

***