Chasing Home (NFL)

Searching for a Direction

“I am not a child now
I can take care of myself
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine, I'm fine

I'm too tired to listen
I'm too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as faith
And trust and pixie dust”

– “I’ll Try” by Jonatha Brooke

Chapter 10: Searching for a Direction

            I often spent Monday afternoons with Eli, and it was especially necessary the Monday after the Vikings-Packers game. We were both situated on the coach. I had the remote, and I was flipping through the channels absentmindedly. I did not dare stop at a sports station because all they could talk about was Brett. Eventually, I turned the TV off and dropped the remote on the coffee table.

            “Do you want to talk about it?” Eli said, casting me a sympathetic look.

            I did not need to ask him what he was talking about. I shifted uncomfortably and glanced at my lap. “What’s there to say? I hate the Packers.”

            “‘Hate’ is a pretty strong word, Lauren. I know they’ve hurt you, but you loved them.”

            “And they loved Brett,” I snapped, lifting my head to look at my brother. “If that’s the game they want to play, why not play it?”

            Eli frowned, appearing troubled. “You really want to give up everything you’ve been through because of one fight?”

            “They started it,” I said forcefully. “They’ve taken up arms against Brett. Should I not defend him? He won’t do it. He doesn’t want to fight with them, but I’m not him. I can’t deal with it the way he is.”

            “Well, maybe you could just forget about them and move on.”

            I shook my head and sighed. “No, Eli. I can’t. I thought the Packers were family, but they proved me wrong. They broke my trust. I can’t ever forget that. Brett didn’t do anything that wasn’t amendable. They’re the ones who broke something beyond prepare. I believed in them…” And my trust had been misplaced. How was I supposed to move on from something that had been a part of me for most of my life? I leaned back on the cough and closed my eyes.

            Eli was quiet for a minute. Then he tentatively said, “What about Aaron Rodgers? I thought you two were good friends.”

            The mention of Aaron’s name sent a fist through my chest. I did not respond at first. I had been reminded that I was losing more than just a team and a home. I was also losing a friend. It was hard for me to get very close to anyone, so it was always a huge blow when any of those relationships crashed. Sadness had overtaken me by the time I opened my eyes. “We weren’t close enough,” I whispered. “Not close enough…”

            A look of compassion overtook Eli’s face. “I’m sorry, Lauren.” He scooted closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. I gratefully hugged him back.

            “Eli, would you be mad if I chose a school in Dallas?” I said while still clinging to him, my voice cracking slightly.

            “Of course not.” He pulled away from me and looked at me; I could see the sincerity in his eyes. “I would not be excited about it, but it’s your life, not mine. I know you would not do it to hurt me.”

            “And what about Peyton?” I said. “What if I chose…” I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

            Eli frowned. “Are you considering another school?”