Chasing Home (NFL)

Breaking Down

“All these impermanent things
Present yet elusive, passive yet abusive
Tearing out the heart in utter silence
All these impermanent things
Well, they point in all directions like secondhand reflections
And they're leading us to subtle shades of violence

Why keep hanging on to things that never stay
Things that just keep stringin' us along from day to day?”

– “Impermanent Things” by Peter Himmelman

Chapter 5: Breaking Down

            College turned out to be more work than I intended. It did not help that I was surrounded by both Giants and Jets fans, who were constantly looking at me and whispering about me. I was usually quite social, but I still had yet to find someone with which I connected. I was drained by the first Tuesday after the NFL season, so I decided to visit Eli after class. Luckily, I got out a bit early.

            I was nearing 2:30 by the time I arrived at my brother’s house. My phone buzzed as I walked up to the door, indicating that I had received a text. I pulled out my phone and say that it was from Peyton. Where are you?

I blinked and quickly responded. I just got to Eli’s. Why? I slipped my phone back and my pocket and knocked on the door.

            The door opened several seconds later. “Hey, Lauren,” he said with a smile. “What are you doing here?”

“School’s tough,” I replied. “I need a break.”

Eli chuckled lightly. “I see. Come on in.”

My phone buzzed again as I walked inside. “That’s probably Peyton.” I took out my phone again and found I had been right. Turn on ESPN. I frowned, staring at my phone.

“What did he say?” Eli asked, sounding slightly concerned.

“Turn on ESPN,” I said. Ok… I texted my brother and put my phone back. Eli had already made his way over to the TV in the living room. He had just turned it on when I entered the room. “What’s going on?”

Eli was staring at the screen, the remote still in his hands. “Uh… did you watch the Patriots game on Sunday?”

I blinked. “Yes. I wanted to see how they’d do. I saw Brady got injured in the first quarter, and-” I stopped midsentence because that injury was exactly what ESPN was talking about. His knee had gotten hurt, and it would require surgery. He was out for the season.

“I don’t believe it,” Eli murmured.

I did not feel anything at first. I stood there, too stunned to speak. I was not sure how I was supposed to feel. My rival, the player I loved to mess around with, had just landed himself on the injury reserve right after losing the Super Bowl, almost attaining a perfect season, and winning MVP. Eli was right; it was surreal.

Then, as I watched ESPN replay the hit on Brady, something inside me snapped. I snatched out my phone and texted Peyton. Why did you think I would want to see that? I was shaking my head as I slipped my phone into my pocket. “No, no, no. This is wrong. This is all wrong.” I turned and fled.

“Lauren!” I heard Eli call.

I ignored him and pressed forward. I found the guest room where I had stayed over the summer. I closed the door behind me and ran for the bed. I climbed onto the bed, curling into a ball. I tried not to think, but it did not help much because my emotions were growing stronger. I had started with such high hopes for this year, and everything was going wrong. Now I wouldn’t even have bugging Brady to look forward to. I couldn’t do anything to him if he was hurt, and it wouldn’t be much fun anyway if he wasn’t playing.

There was a knock on the door. I did not respond. I heard the door open, and someone entered. “Lauren?” Eli said cautiously. “Are you alright?”

I sat up to face my brother. I could not lie to him, so I shook my head. “No.”

Eli frowned as he walked closer. “I didn’t know you cared about Brady so much.” He sat down on the bed beside me and looked at me intently.

I glanced down at my lap. “I didn’t know either. I guess, when you spend all that time arguing with someone without true malice, you’ve got to care if they’re worth the energy, right?” I looked up anxiously. Maybe it was a wakeup call. I thought it had been all fun and games, but perhaps I took too much for granted.

Eli nodded. “I understand. He’ll be fine. I’m sure he’ll come back next year stronger than ever.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, probably.” My phone buzzed, but I did not answer. I was not ready to face whatever Peyton had say.

“Lauren, is this about more than Brady?”

I blinked at him. I never intentionally hid anything from him, but he was perceptive in noticing when something went deeper than I was letting on. “Kind of,” I admitted, feeling sheepish. “It’s just – everything is falling apart. Brett isn’t a Packer, Brady is hurt, and I don’t belong in New York.”

I expected Eli to be disappointed, but his eyes shown with concern and compassion. “How do you know?” he said gently. “I know college is rough, but you have not been here that long. Things could still look up.”

“Maybe,” I mumbled. “But what if they don’? What if it was a mistake coming here?” I hated to think about it. I had been so sure I had made the right choice. Could I have been wrong in my assessment?

Eli shook his head. “I don’t think it was a mistake. Everything happens for a reason, right? Even if you don’t belong in New York, I’m sure there’s something here for you to learn before you leave.” He put his arm around me comfortingly.

“You’re right,” I said. “I’ll just have to stick through it.” I did not usually let my emotions get the best of me, but this had been one incident too many. I knew I could get through anything if I tried. Plus, I had both Eli and Brett to help me.

Eli stood up. “Let’s go have some fun.” I turned around and faced me, a small smile on his face. “It will help get your mind off of everything, and I can show you what I love about New York.”

I smiled slightly. I loved my brother for always knowing how to make me feel better. “Ok. Thanks, Eli.” I stood up to leave.

“No problem.”

Then I remembered Peyton. I took out my phone and checked my messages. Sorry. I thought you should know.

“I bet Peyton’s not too happy either,” Eli said casually.

I looked up at him and blinked. “Maybe.” Would he be disappointed by the news? I didn’t know. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as I headed out with Eli.