Nothing's Fine

Chapter 41

“Where’s Danielle?” I started the conversation, seeming as though he was content with just staring.

“At the hotel. We don’t have to be seen with each other till tomorrow.”

“Really now? How about that?” I rolled my eyes.

“Damn it Sarah, I don’t get why you’re upset!”

“Hm? Maybe it has to do with the fact that you told her we were just friends!”

“We are just friends Sarah!”

“Then what was last night?” I felt myself getting choked up again.

“I wanted to stop. But Sarah, I told you how I felt and_”

“And it was completely bull shit wasn’t it? You fed me those lies just so you wouldn’t feel bad about fucking me! Did it work Liam? Hm? Did it?” I screamed.

“Would you shut up and let me explain?”

“I thought you wanted to talk? Talking requires two people Liam!”

“I wanted to talk, not scream our fucking lungs out at each other!”

Tears began to well up in my eyes. I turned away from him, not wanting him to see how bad he was breaking me for the second time in a row.

I remember the day after we stopped being friends; the day after the incident at the park. We had school, and Liam being my only friend back then, it was the worst day of my life. I remember going home, and getting the shit beat out of me for my clothes being ruined. My mother ripped them off and threw them in the garbage, knowing full well that I could’ve gotten the mud out. After she passed out, I laid still in the floor crying my eyes out. Only I wasn’t crying because of Liam, or the pain. I was crying because those were my best clothes and they had just been ruined. Thinking back now, that seems quite silly, when so many more worst things were to come.

The next day, I pulled on sweats and a t-shirt, seeming as that was all that was clean since I hadn’t made that much money that week. Once I got to school that day, I knew what had happened between Liam and I had spread across school. I got distant stares and constant whispering went on around me. Tears had pricked at my eyes but I held them in. I finally got to my locker and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself before first period. That was the first time I saw him that day.

He leaned up against the locker next to mine and waited for me to face him. To his dismay, I didn’t. Instead, I turned the other way, deciding to endure the stares rather than have to deal with him. That didn’t stop him though. He caught up with me, and pulled me back, with a smile on his face. It was strained though, almost as if he was trying to hide the fact that he knew he messed up.

“Hey! I brought you coffee. Your favorite! I just thought_”

“I told you to never speak to me again.” I spoke in a low voice, knowing that if I tried to sound the least bit confident, I would fall apart. 

“Sarah, please?”

“Go away. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

I ripped myself out of his grip and walked away, trying my best to ignore the laughter around me at my pathetic attempt to escape. I ran into the nearest bathroom, knowing full well that Liam was watching. I got in and slid down the door, only to look up and be faced with the horrid looks of about three guys. They busted out laughing as I shrieked, scrambling out of the bathroom. I couldn’t believe I had just done that, but with my luck, it wasn’t surprising. I walked out to be faced with even more laughter, but this time, Liam joined in. I watched him chuckle before realizing I had caught him. I rolled my eyes, wet from tears, and walked away with what little dignity I had left.

The day didn’t get better. Joke after joke, laugh and laugh, I was officially the laughing stock of the school. There wasn’t one student who hadn’t heard about the incident. I decided school wasn’t worth it. During lunch hour, I cut out of there and began to walk home, not caring whether or not my mother was waiting there to beat me.

I went against that though, and walked to the park where everything had gone down the day early. I sat in the same swing, and let my hair fall loose. I picked at my finger nails before feeling my phone vibrate. I didn’t know why I had the stupid thing. Liam’s parents paid for it. He was the only one who called me on it anyhow. I always wondered why they didn’t question why my parents didn’t pay for it, but then I guess they just passed it off as we were tight on money.

I had looked down at the caller ID. His name was the same name it was now; LEEYUM. I clicked open, wiping my eyes with the bottom of my t-shirt.

‘Skipping school because of a few laughs? Come on. Grow up a bit would you? And while you’re at it, quit being mad at me. I’m not risking my popularity just to stay down with you.’

I threw the phone across the park, not caring if it broke. I’d apologize later to his parents, but tell them to just take me off their bill. I didn’t need it. Of course they didn’t, and they replaced the phone.

That day, something happened that no one but myself knows about. If anyone had ever asked me about them, I played it off just like I played off the bruises and cuts I got from my mother. I told them I had either fallen, or I our cat had gotten a hold of me.

I searched through my backpack, till I found the closest sharp thing I could find; my pen. I sat on the ground to steady myself. I stiffed a few more tears before I began to ground the pen into my wrist. It took multiple tries for the skin to break, but once it did, I dropped the pen and let out more tears. My hands rested at my sides, as I sobbed, cross legged on the floor. I couldn’t believe how horrible my life was. No one wanted me, not even myself.

It was the worst day of my life, by far. None of the beatings I had received, or all the hate I got at school even amounted to the pain I felt that day.

That was, until this moment now.

“Sarah, like I said, I told you the truth. I’m in love with you. We’d never work though and I don’t want to put you through that.”

“You’re putting me through that now Liam!”

“It’d be a hell of a lot worse if we had actually gone out!”

“Why? Please, enlighten me how that would’ve been worse?”

“Because I can’t date you! It’d ruin the bands reputation. How would we look if I, the sensible one, cheated on his girlfriend? That would leave fans wondering, if the sensible one can do that, then what the hell could the rest of them do?”

“So you’re just going to pretend like last night never happened then? Like you didn’t take my virginity, and store it with your freaking stash of girls you took? You’re going to act like I was just some one night stand? Well okay Liam. You do that. I believed you, you know? I actually thought for a second that you might actually care about me, that you might actually put me first for once? God damn it, how naïve I was? To think that you had actually changed. You haven’t you know? Changed? Not one bit. You are so selfish! Look at Louis, Liam. Look how far he’s come. In two days, he’s gone from avoiding Eleanor like the freaking plague, to wanting to start a family with her. Some part of me thought you could change like that, but I guess not. And it was wrong of me to think so.”

“Yeah. Yeah it was. I have to put the band first, always. And if you can’t accept that, then that’s not my problem. If you can’t understand that my life depends on this band’s reputation, then you haven’t changed either. From day one, you were bitter about me being famous, finally living my dream because you know what? You’re damn selfish too. You wanted me to stay behind, and take to all your needs. For you to be my only friend. But that was never good enough for you. You always wanted something more. Call me selfish all you want. That just proves what a hypocrite you are.”

He turned and began walking back to the house, the only noise left was the ringing in my ears and the sound of his feet crushing the sticks below him. A single tear dropped from my face, as I watched him walk away. I watch him walk away from me now, and out of my life forever.