Nothing's Fine

Chapter 44

“Mommy! Kaylie stole Kinny.” Emily tugged at my pants.

“Can’t you play with another doll?” I flipped the sandwich over in the pan.

“No!” She stomped her foot.

In order to avoid a breakdown for the second time this morning, I picked her up and carried her into the room. I took a couple of Barbie’s out of the tub and laid them in the floor and took the baby doll Emily named Kinny out of Kaylie’s hands. She screamed, telling me to give it back. I stuck it in my sweats, praying that the Barbie’s would distract them.

I sat on the floor and began to talk in a high pitched voice, pretending to be a dark skinned Barbie. Kaylie picked up Barbie herself and began to move it’s legs in a walking motion. Emily soon joined after. I stood up, just in time to hear the smoke alarm go off.

“Shit.” I muttered, running to rescue the grilled cheese off of the stove.

I looked at the black bread that was obviously ruined. Two sandwiches ruined, a lot more to go. I pulled out four more pieces of bread and two more piece of cheese and began to butter the bread. I listened to the two girls fight over who got to be Ken and which one was dating who.

They were almost four, and every time I looked at them, memories came flooding back. Emily was the spitting image of my mother, or so, me. She was more confident that Kaylie was, but Kaylie was more stubborn.

Kaylie couldn’t have looked anymore like Liam.

Liam stopped calling after Kaylie turned a year old. He still didn’t know, and I had a feeling he would never know. I moved out of Kelly’s house and got a small little white house, just outside of Wolverhampton. It was after Liam unexpectedly showed up with Louis and Eleanor. Louis apologized numerous times, but I knew deep down that he was trying to get Liam to find out. He never stopped pressuring me to tell him, but he didn’t understand.

They visited every once in a while and always brought Colin with them. The three kids would always have a ball, running around, playing hide and go seek. It always ended when some one wasn’t playing the game right though.

Colin was definitely his dad and there was no doubt about it. His ability to make the whole room smile by just walking in amazed me.

There was a knock on the door and the girl screamed. I heard their pitter patter feet running to answer the door. They gasped and laughed, screaming her name. She tackled them, throwing them on the couch before making her way over to me.

“Hey girlie.” She smiled.

“Chantelle!” I whined.

“What?” She mocked my whiney voice.

“I can’t make grilled cheese.”

“Sure you can. You’ve done it before.”

“But, it’s hard.” I whined some more.

“Damn, having kids sure lightened you up.” She joked.

“Shush.”

I pushed her back, her hand pulling the pan handle down, sending the sandwiches flying. She watched them as they fell onto the ground. She bursted out laughing, then stopped as she realized I wasn’t laughing with her.

“Come on. That was funny and you know it.”

“This is wasting bread!”

“Make them a peanut butter sandwich! They’ll never know the difference!”

“So you’re saying, they’ll never know the difference between a hot, cheese sandwich, between and cold, peanut sandwich? Please, tell me more about how well you handle children.”

“What’s the worse that’ll happen? They ask you why it’s not grilled cheese?”

“Are you kidding me? How long have you been around my girls? Don’t even mess with me.”

“Whatever.” She laughed.

For the third time today, I pulled out more bread and more cheese. I started butter the bread once again when I heard Chantelle cough.

“I saw Louis today. They’re back in town.”

“Why?” I asked, as non-caring as I could possibly sound.

“Day off. All the boys wanted to see Colin and Louis needed to spend time with El.”

“Well, that’s like, two hours away. That’s not really in town.”

“Close enough.”

I stayed silent. I knew what she was getting at. She was with Louis. She was always pressuring me into telling him. She couldn’t go one day without giving me a new reason to tell him. I braced myself for this day’s reason.

“He probably knows how to make grilled cheese.”

I couldn’t control my laughter. I dropped the sandwich in the pan and turned to look at her. I placed my hands on my hips, and waited, expecting something more.

“I just, I don’t understand. He’s freaking rich Sarah. He’s famous and God knows he loves you. He wouldn’t leave you hanging and you know it.”

“Like I say, every freaking day, maybe that’s the reason I don’t want to tell him.”

“No! It’s not! You’re afraid of getting hurt!”

“What kind of mother would I look like if I just all of a sudden let him in my life, and told them that he was her father. Then, on top of things, it would blow the adoption secret. I’m playing it off as they are both mine and you know it. It doesn’t make sense in the records, but that doesn’t matter. For all people know, they could be twins. They’re only a month a part. You just don’t understand. I can’t do that. I don’t want Emily going through life knowing that she was a result of rape, or even being unwanted.”

She sighed, taking in what I just said.

“I just, I don’t understand still. Even if he wasn’t considered the father in her eyes, he could still be there, like, as a friend.”

“You know that won’t work.”

“Why? Why the hell won’t that work.”

“Because of past feelings! I still love him okay? I always will. He’s never loved me and that’s obvious through all the shit he’s put me through. If you still don’t understand, I’m sorry, I just can’t risk his life, mine or the girls.”

She put her hands up, surrendering.

“I’m sorry okay? Let’s just forget about it. Look, your sandwiches are browning once again.”

“Shit.”

I took the spatula and flipped the sandwiches only to find out it was too late. I held my face in my hands and started laughing.

“How do you do this? What is this?” I giggled.

“All these years of grilled cheese and you still can’t do it.”

“Shush.”

The doorbell rang just as I plopped the next batch of sandwiches in. I looked at Chantelle who was just as confused as I was. I wasn’t expecting anybody, so I passed it off as telemarketers.

“I got it!” I heard Kaylie scream.

“No! I got it!” They fought over the door.

I began to round the corner as he came into view.

“Mommy! There’s a boy here!” Kaylie screamed, smiling at him.