Nothing's Fine

Chapter 43

A year and a half later, I was forced to do something that I hadn’t dreamed of in a million years. I was sitting in the court room, waiting for my mother to come out. I listened for the whine of Kaylie. I turned and faced the bleachers behind me and gave a soft wave to Kelly, who was struggling to keep her quiet. I turned back around as I heard the mallet bang on the wood and the judge tell us that the court was in order.

“Bring the guilty in.” He said in a strong voice.

I swallowed, wringing the bottom of my skirt out. My knuckles were white from the drive up here. I almost couldn’t make it simply because I had no feeling in my legs. She struggled through the door and her eyes immediately went to me. I swallowed even harder, scared out of my mind.

“Be strong.” Mr. Young spoke in my ear. I could only nod.

She took her seat on the opposite stand. I closed my eyes, pretending this wasn’t happening. Mr. Young nudged me, but I didn’t budge. I didn’t want to believe this was happening. I wanted to take my daughter, my real mother, and go home.

“Ms. Sarah McFarmsee to the stand.” My mother’s lawyer spoke clearly.

I stood with the help of Mr. Young. I walked to the stand slowly, and settled in, not once looking up at the faces in the crowd. I let a tear drop as I heard the scowl of my mother. That scowl came with so many beatings. There was never a time she scowled like that, and I didn’t get thrown into a wall.

“Ms. McFarmsee, you were aware of your mother’s pregnancy yes?”

“Yes.”

“She was born into the state about three months ago. Are you aware of this?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, you understand what responsibility you are taking on correct?”

“Yes.”

“Once the papers are signed, Emily McFarmsee is yours to take care of. Do you have a stable home life?”

“Yes.”

“Is there a spouse?” I heard my mother scoff. I glared at her.

“No sir.”

“Are you a single parent?”

“Yes sir. With the help of my mother, Kelly Calder.”

“Very well. It is settle then.”

The lawyer nodded and the judge stood up.

“Under law of the court, Emily McFarmsee of three months will now be under custody of Sarah McFarmsee. Court, dismissed.”

The mallet sounded, and my mother’s baby was officially mine. It’s what she wanted in the beginning. She had brought the man home to fuck me, for a little extra cash. When I got the news that she was going to be put under the state, I couldn’t let it happen. I was too afraid of her getting passed on to a family that I was passed on to.

I walked over to the desk labeled child adoption, and sat down. The lady turned to me and smiled.

“Sarah McFarmsee?”

“That’s me.” I smiled.

She took out packet after packets of contracts and liability papers. I signed each and every one of them. I finally finished, and was led into the home where the babies were kept. I walked along the edges of the cribs, looking at each one of them till I came to the crib marked Emily.

“Hello love. You’re coming home with me today. You’re going to live a fantastic life. I know at times, you’re going to hate me and wish I never existed. Someday you’ll realize that this was for the best. I might not be the best parent in the world. Hell, I’m only nineteen, but I’ll treat you right. I might not get everything right, but I’ll teach you all the right things. I’ll understand you and care for you. I’ll be there when you get your first tooth, and when you lose your first tooth. I’ll be there when you finally learn to potty train, and the first day you become a woman. I’ll be there through your first friend, and I’ll be there when you lose your friend. I’ll stand by you through the hate, and help you get through it. I’ve learned from my mistakes, and so will you. But we’ll learn together. I love you.”

I choked out, as I picked her up and cradled her to my chest. Her little hands wrapped around my hair and then released, much like Kaylie did when she was born. Kaylie is a month younger than Emily, but I don’t think it will matter. I know they’re going to fight, but I hope that one day, they’ll see the light in each other.

I signed the final papers, and she was finally mine. I walked out of the court house, holding the official papers. Kelly turned to me and smiled, running up to me with Kaylie in her arms. I bit my lip when she gave me a hug.

“You’re going to be an amazing mother to the both of them.”

“I hope so. I just hope they can get along.” I chuckled.

“I can’t believe I’m a grandmother… three times already. It’s unbelievable.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Blessing me with two beautiful babies?”

I laughed.

“That and not telling Liam. I know we would be better off having him in the picture, but I just don’t think I could handle that.”

“Telling him comes in time. You’ll know when it’s right.”

“Yeah, or Lou will tell him.”

“Louis won’t tell him or I’ll beat the shit out of my son-in-law.”

Their wedding was an eventful day. Eleanor was beautiful, but she was crazy. She got everything set up and everything was going perfectly until a glass broke. She broke down, tears sliding down her face, ruining her make-up. She sobbed, saying what a horrible mother and wife she was going to make. She went on and on about how she didn’t deserve Lou. That she should’ve told him.

I however, was ready to burst at the time. I got to watch the beginning of the wedding, Just enough to see Louis smile and a tear roll down his cheek as she walked down the isle. I left a little after I saw a Danielle as Liam’s date. That, and I couldn’t risk anyone that would tell Liam seeing me pregnant. It was the last time I saw them, seeming as they went on their honeymoon, then left for their USA tour.

Colin, being the big boy he was, decided to stay with Lou’s parents. They agree to keep my secret, insisting that with a baby around the house, Colin should stay with them.

Liam started calling about a three months after we stopped seeing each other. I ignored each call, and each text. According to Kelly, he even came around once to find me, but I was at the doctors. It sickened me that I was capable of this. To keep his child, his baby girl away from him, but it was what was best for him.

The last thing he said to me was that I was selfish for not wanting his fame, for wanting him to stay back with me. I’m following what he wanted. I’m not being selfish. I’m not wanting him to stay back with me. I’m too proud of his fame to ruin it with our child.

When, or if he finds out, I hope he’ll understand. He probably won’t, because, let’s face it, he’s Liam. It’ll make it worse when I tell him I haven’t just been raising one child, but I’ve been raising two. I just hope he’ll eventually forgive me. If not, then it’s for the best.