Mean to Be (Mean #2)

Chapter Five

Chapter Five
Changed

I know how much and how I excessively depend on Grant. I know it’s wrong to use him as my anchor but no one would understand what I feel. No matter how hard I try and explain everything, no one would get me. When Rush left, I felt vulnerable—like everything was completely stripped off of me and when I felt like I lost everything… Grant was there. He played a big part on making me cling to who I was—am. He was there when Rush left me with nothing. I was so scared about completely losing myself that I let myself have him even when it’s wrong.

Siguro nga mali na tanggapin ko ang comfort na binibigay ni Grant sa akin. Pero ano pa ang magagawa ko? I was a wreck when Rush left. I didn’t know it would hurt that bad. Lunod na lunod na ako sa sakit at pangungulila kay Rush at sa panahon na iyon, nandoon si Grant. Ayaw ko siyang kapitan. God knows how much I restrained myself from getting any help from him but I can only take so much pain.

It was embarrassing to admit. I can’t accept how vulnerable I was. And until now, I still am. I’m so good at pretending how strong I am, kaya pati sarili ko napapaniwala ko na.

“What are you going to do now?” Mahinang tanong ni Grant.After Grant calmed me with an unexpected kiss, binalot kami pareho ng katahimikan. That’s what Grant’s kiss always feels like after all. His kisses aren’t like before that’s filled with fireworks and electricity. Now, his kisses are like black holes—black holes that could completely suck you in. There won’t be any feelings. It would be nothing but an infinite void.

“I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Rush is back. Now, what? Am I supposed to do anything about it? Should I welcome him with open arms? Perhaps throw him a party? I’m completely lost.

Hindi agad sumagot si Grant. Binalot ulit kami ng katahimikan sa pangalawang pagkakataon. It’s been three years since I proclaimed how much I hated tranquility. Ayaw ko ng tahimik. Silence means having the opportunity to think. I don’t like thinking.  I hate everything that runs in my mind whenever I’m alone.

“I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?” My eyes flew back at him. Guilt started doing its thing on my stomach once again. My mouth suddenly felt dry.

“Grant,” I whispered his name and that made him close both of his eyes looking pained.

Matagal ko na sinabi kay Grant na wala na akong nararamdaman sa kanya. I already told him that I don’t think I’m capable of giving him anything other than friendship and he told me it was okay. Okay lang sa kanya na kaibigan na lang muna, na kahit ano, basta wag lang ako lalayo sa kanya. He said he was ready to comfort me—to be always there for me, that he doesn’t want me to push him away. It hurts to hear Grant plead me like that.

“No. Don’t answer it.” Nakapikit lang si Grant nang sinabi niya ito. He doesn’t want to see my reaction because he knows it would give everything away.

“You’re not going to lose me, Grant.” I murmured. Grant’s eyes flashed opened and I bit my lip when I saw hope in his eyes. I didn’t want to break that hope but I can’t do this to him. “We’ll still be friends. We’ll always be friends.”