Mean to Be (Mean #2)

Chapter Four

Chapter Four
Ang Sakit

My head is still reeling from the fact that Rush is back. I don’t know how to react. I knew this day would come. I prepared myself for it. I even barricaded my heart with tall and thick walls, just so he couldn’t pass through it again. And now that he’s back… nasira na ang lahat-lahat.

I once told myself that I wouldn’t be affected when he finally comes back and now that he’s here… I can’t say it worked. I’m starting to feel everything that I didn’t want to feel. I can taste my own bitterness from my mouth. I can feel the cracks slowly creeping in my heart. I can hear the sobs that I was silently making at the back of my mind. I can almost see how broken I would be again. I can visualize how hard it would be for me to recover and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. Three years and I’m barely even fixed. Paano na lang ngayon? Anong gagawin ko? I’m lost.

Akala ko okay na ako. I thought that once we meet again, I would be the same old Maxwell who doesn’t care about him. The same Maxwell who never once considered his feelings. Pero mali. Bumalik na naman ako sa pagiging si Maxwell na nasaktan nung araw na iniwan niya ako at umalis siya ng walang paalam.

Flashes of how wrecked I was when he left are recurring in my mind. The pain still felt fresh, burning inside my chest. I thought it didn’t hurt anymore but it still did. The pain is still there but I was too numb to feel it anymore. I feel so pathetic.

“Are you okay, Maxie?” Narinig ko ang boses ni Kade. Hearing his voice brought me back to reality and away from the unwanted thoughts swirling inside my brain.

Bumalik ako sa katotohanan na nandito na nga si Rush. Sa masakit na katotohanan na nakita niya ako pero wala siyang pakialam. He didn’t even smirk.

Of course, he won’t smirk at me. What else do I think he would do? Run to me and hug me like he never wanted to leave me again? As if.

The last time I talked to him, he begged me his life to be with him and I didn’t answer him yes or no. He begged me not to go with Grant and be with him but I didn’t pick him. I did that because I wanted to end things with Grant before I could even start a new with him. At kahit na alam ko na aalis si Rush kinabukasan, I would still do the same. Dahil iyon ang tama. If I’m going to break Grant’s heart, then he should be the first one to know.

“Maxwell,” Narinig ko ulit si Kade. My eyes were a little blurry. Alam kong nangingiyak na ako ngayon pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. Hindi ako pwedeng umiyak. Hindi na muna.

“Can you drive me to Grant’s office?” Suminghap si Kade pero hindi ako makatingin sa kanya. I’m scared to see his sympathetic look. Sa oras na makita ko na nag-aalala siya sa akin ay baka matuluyan ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

“Okay. I’ll take you there.”

Hindi ko na kailangan pang pilitin si Kade. Binitawan na niya ang mariin na pagkakapisil niya sa kamay ko na hindi ko na napansin at nag-umpisa nang maglakad. Sinundan ko na lang siya patungo sa car park. Hindi ko na namalayan ang buong byahe dahil sa pag lipad ng utak ko. Napansin ko lang na nakarating na kami nang inihinto ni Kade ang sasakyan niya.