Mean to Be (Mean #2)

Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten
Farthest

The only consolation that I had when I slapped Rush two days ago is when I saw how his eyes turned glassy like it mattered to him how much I told him how I despised him. Gusto kong magsaya dahil doon. Dahil kahit papaano ay may pakialam kung siya man ang pinakasusukluman ko sa buong mundo.

It's been two days and yet my hand still stings from the slap. I haven't seen Rush for two days. Maging sa gym ay hindi ko na siya nakita simula nang sinampal ko siya. And I prefer it that way. Kahit na hinahanap-hanap ko siya, ayaw ko siyang makita. 

He confuses me. He brings out the pain that I've been trying to conceal so hard. I don't know who he is anymore. It's like he's still the old Rush that I know who loves to infuriate the hell out of me and make my life miserable but not really. Like he's still the same Rush who's mean and evil, but different. Like he's still the same Rush with that wicked smirk that I love and hate, but not the same. Like he's still the same Rush that I fell in love with, but not completely.

He's acting like nothing happened and that's what truly hurts me. Kaya ko pa siguro kung galit siya sa akin katulad ng pagkagalit ko sa kanya. I could hava handled mad. But this? This Rush who's acting like he doesn't care? That's what sends me to purgatory.

Why do I have to be in love with a jerk like him?

Why do I have to fall for someone who doesn't feel the same way?

Just thinking of him kills me. Everytime his name rang in my mind, I'd hurt. Everytime his face will flash in my mind, I feel like I want to cry. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of getting hurt. Kung kaya ko lang sanang pigilan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya ay baka matagal ko na iyong ginawa. Hindi na sana ako nahihirapan ng ganito.

After that event, I went to my class with an occupied mind. Kahit na gusto ko lang umuwi at magkulong sa kwarto para umiyak hanggang sa makatulog ay hindi ko ginawa. I needed to be okay, even if it's just pretend. Maybe if I try hard to make myself believe that I'm okay, the pain will go away. If only it could. If only pain works that way, loving would have been more bearable. 

But love without the pain is unattainable, because the pain that love causes is what will break you or make you. Pain is what proves how love is worth it no matter how much it hurts.

 Kaklase ko si Kade sa first two subjects ko. It was nice to know someone. I saw a few other familiar faces. Ang iba ay mga kaklase ko rin sa Tuesday and Friday classes ko. I'm praying that this semester will be nice to me.

"Where do you wanna eat? Labas tayo ng campus?" Kade asked as I placed my binder inside my shoulder bag and pen inside. I checked my phone for messages or notifications before sliding it in my bag too.

"Foodcourt na lang tayo. I want some lasagna." Tumayo si Kade at hinintay ako na maunang lumakad para masabayan niya ako. As soon as we got out of the room, fate gave me the novelty to cross paths with the two of my past julalays. I can hardly even remember their names. Hindi ko nga sana sila mapapansin kung hindi dahil kay Kade.

"Hindi ba mga kaibigan mo iyon?" He asked as we passed by the two girls who weren't being subtle at staring at me. They both looked like lost puppies without someone to lead them and tell them what to do.