Mean to Be (Mean #2)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Eight
This Time

Rush dropped out of our Philippine Literature class. Hindi ko na siya nakikita sa campus. Maging sa gym ay hindi ko na rin siya nakikita. Kade never asked about it. Siguro ay ayaw niyang mag-away ulit kami katulad ng huling beses kaming nag-usap sa hospital. That's too bad because I want him to tell him how wrong I was. I wanted someone to beat me up for the decision that I did.

Kaya hindi na pumapasok si Rush ay dahil kailangan niyang magtrabaho at palitan ang posistion na naiwan ni Grant.

Rush's absence felt like the lonely years that I had when he was in New York. Mabagal ang oras, nakakainip, at pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong gana sa mga bagay-bagay. Not even Kade can humor me. I'm like on auto-pilot, doing what I need to do but never what I want.

"You're crying again." inangat ko agad ang dalawang kamay ko para punasan ang mukha ko pero napasimangot ako nang wala naman akong napunasan na mga luha doon. Nilingon ko ang biglang sumulpot na si Kade nang may simangot sa mukha.

"Hindi naman, ah?"

"Just because you're not crying on the outside doesn't mean you're not crying on the inside." Kade made a good point that I chose to shut up. This is the first time that Kade's acknowledging what happened the past weeks.

Ngayon ay magkasama kaming dalawa dahil katulad ng nakasanayan ay sabay kaming naglu-lunch. Palagi naman kaming magkasama kapag may vacant time. This time, he offered to order for us kaya naiwan ako sa lamesa at nauwi sa pag-iisip kay Rush.

Tatlong linggo na simula nang mangyari ang gabing iyon at yun din ang huling beses na nakausap at nakita ko si Rush. It was hell. The past three weeks were hell. Kahit na abala ako sa pag-aaral at sa palagian na pagdalaw kay Grant ay parang walang laman ang dibdib ko. Palagi ko siyang naiisip at sa bawat oras na iniisip ko siya ay bumabalik sa isipan ko ang huling pag-uusap naming dalawa.

Tumingin ako sa sahig at pilit na pinigilan ang sarili ko na maging emotional. "I miss him."

"Don't act like you're all lost, Maxwell. You brought this to yourself." walang tono na sabi ni Kade sa akin. Inangat ko ang mga mata ko at tiningnan si Kade. Napakagat ako sa labi ko at umiling-iling.

"You think I wanted all of this to happen? That I'm ecstatic to let the one I love and go to take care of someone else out of guilt?"

"Then why did you let him go? Hindi ba pwedeng nasa tabi mo lang siya habang nagui-guilty ka para sa iba?"

"And that's more fair to him? You want me to worry about someone else while he's by my side, and give him a little time of what I have? You think it's fair to make him wait while I finish looking out for another guy?"

Umuwang ang labi ni Kade. Siguro ay ngayon niya lang naisip ang bagay na iyon. Hindi siya sumagot at itinikom ang bibig kaya ipinagpatuloy ko ang matagal ko ng gustong sabihin.

"I want to choose him, Kade. If the situation was different, I would have chosen him in a heartbeat. I want to choose him. I want him so bad." nag-iinit ang buong mukha ko. Siguro ay namumula dahil sa pinipigilan ko ang maiyak. I don't want to cry in public.

Kade groaned. "I still can't understand why you're blaming yourself, when I know that it's not your fault but I'm not in your position to know what's the right thing to feel. I understand why you chose Grant, but I guess I just mindlessly concluded that you'd be mean and selfish enough to choose Rush. I want to say that you did the right thing, but can we really say that it's the right thing when it does nothing but hurt us?"

My silence proclaimed the end of discussion. Pagkatapos 'non ay hindi na ulit siya nagsalita at kumain na lang kaming dalawa. Hindi ako nakakain masyado dahil nawalan ako ng gana. Buong araw hindi naalis sa isipan ko ang pinag-usapan namin ni Kade.