Mean to Be (Mean #2)

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five
Part-Time Job

My back's cozily leaned back on the chair as I was tapping my pen against the desk. I heavily sighed for the nth time. I've been sighing the whole day. I'm bored out of mind. I already finished my typing job and I'm out of tasks to do.

I want to be busy. Kapag kasi wala akong ginagawa ay hindi ko maiwasan ang maisip si Rush. I love and hate thinking about Rush. I love thinking about him, simply because I love him. And I hate thinking about him, because it makes me think about how much I terribly miss him.

Everytime his name passes in my mind, I think of how much I want to be with him. Everytime I hear his name, I think of doing whatever it takes just to be with him. It was undeniably ridiculous. It was pathetic to feel this deep with someone, but there's no stopping it. I love Rush. I'm so in love with him. And our lives would be easier if he'd stop playing hard to get, forgive me, and love me again.

Isa pang dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong isipin siya ay dahil naiisip ko lang kung paano niya ako ilang beses nagawang tanggihan. Masakit iyon para sa akin dahil hindi ako nagagawang tanggihan ni Rush dati. At mas lalong hindi niya ako kayang tiisin. Pero ngayon, natitiis niya na ako.

His rejection and the number of times that he managed to bear deflecting my advances makes me ask myself what the hell am I doing, pursuing a guy who does nothing but says I'm a waste of time?

It makes me doubt my own self and wonder if he's still even in love with me. Sa bawat pagkakataon kasi na itinutulak niya ako palayo ay naiisip ko na baka hindi na nga niya ako mahal. Siguro ayaw na nga niya sa akin.

Naiisip ko madalas na dapat sumuko na lang ako at tigilan na siya. I can try and blame him for hurting me, hate him for it, but I also know that I brought this to myself. Ilang beses kong nasaktan si Rush, ilang beses ko siyang itinulak palayo at hindi pinili. He gave me his heart but I didn't handle it with care. I wounded his pride and ego. Masisisi ko ba siya kung nagsawa na siya sa kakahintay as akin at kapag sinabi niyang hindi na niya talaga ako mahal?

Everytime he comes into my mind, I smile and then hurt, thinking of a million reasons why I should just give him up. And everytime I thought of a reason to let him go, I find another to hold on.

I promised that I'll never give him up, and I'm going to keep that promise no matter what. No matter how hard he pushes me away, I'll always be running back to him.

It's been three days since I paid Grant a visit and asked for his help. It was callous for me to ask him a favor, especially when it has something to do with Rush but I was running out of options.

He helped me with a smile. It wasn't hard to convince Grant. He looked really willing and that lead me to be even more guilty. It's a good thing that I stopped allowing my guilt to over rule with my feelings. With Rush, everything else held little of significance.

Isang linggo ko na rin halos ginugulo si Rush sa opisina niya. Lagi ako pumupunta kapag hindi siya busy, wala siyang meeting o kapag nasa office niya lang siya. Pinakausapan ko si Grant na kunin ang schedule ni Rush mula sa secretary niya. He told me that he resorted to threatening the girl of her job. Hindi rin siya pwede magsumbong kay Rush dahil lalo siyang malalgot. The girl didn't have any choice but to comply.

Dumeretso ako sa office ni Rush ten minutes earlier bago ang lunch ko. He's free today, at gusto ko siya maabutan. Dumaan muna ako sa drive-thru para bumili ng pagkain bago tumuloy sa building ng De la Fuente.

Nakaupo ang secretary ni Rush sa pwesto niya at kumakain habang tutok na tutok sa facebook. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan niya. She's starting to warm up on me, but I sill treat her the same. I'm not interested in showing pleasantries.