Fixing Us || l.h

Chapter Twenty-Two**

Luke and I talk about the last week and talk about our shows and what all happened for a while, and then we watch a movie that I fall asleep during. We're about halfway to Australia when I wake up, Luke working on a song himself.

"Whatcha working on?" I ask, resting my chin on his shoulder. "A secret song." He says, covering the words." "Booo." I frown, poking him in the arm. "You never show me any of your songs, so mine get to stay a secret." "You were barely around for me writing my songs, dummy. I haven't really worked on a lot for this next album, that's why I had you get my songbook so I can see if any of those would go well on a second album." 

"Well, can I see those then?" "Maybe, will you show me the secret song?" "Maybe. I do have to run songs by the boys before I can show anyone, but once they give me the good to go, then I can." He promises. I nod, grabbing the notebook from my bag. I flip it open to the first page, my heart plummeting when I read the first line, 'Dear Luke,' and I try to flip the book closed.

"What's this?" Luke asks, looking at me. "Nothing, don't worry about it." I shake my head, pulling the notebook out of his hands. "No, Dylan, it had my name on it, what was it?" He grabs the notebook back and opens it again. He flips a few pages, seeing the different letters I wrote to everyone last year. "Is this..." He drifts off, looking at me. I nod silently, not sure what to say. 

Dear Luke,

I don't know what to say. How do you tell someone that you love them and thank them for so many happy memories when you're about to end it all? I do love you. It's an every-lifetime kind of love. I didn't think I'd ever be able to find happiness the way I did with you. You made me, me again. I felt alive and excited to take on the world. I wanted to do it with you. I knew you'd be there to help me through the rough patches but this one seems like it might be more than a patch. It feels cavernous. I'm sure things will be hard after I'm gone, but please take care of yourself. This isn't because of you, so please don't blame yourself. I know we haven't talked in weeks and that you promised me that you'd be there for me, but you also have to look after yourself too, you should always come first before anyone. If you want to blame someone, blame my mom, or even me. I mean, what kind of person can't handle going a few weeks without talking to someone? People have to do that every day, sometimes. Please, take care of yourself, let the boys help you. You all were like a second family to me, after my own brothers. Some days, even more since I saw you more than them. Keep focusing on your career, you guys will go so far, and I'm so proud of everything you've done since I've known you. I miss watching you guys perform and mess around and not taking life as seriously as my mom wanted. I miss you. I miss staying up late watching movies, and stealing kisses. I miss watching you play guitar, singing, and being so focused on writing a song you don't even realize we've made it to the next stop. I miss you. I miss the unconditional love you had for me and how you always looked out for me even before we got together. I love you so much, Luke.

Love, Dylan

The letter repeats in my mind even now, it's still memorized. I watch Luke reading, tears clinging to his eyelashes before spilling over, his eyes going over the words. Over and over and over. After a few minutes of my heart racing, I finally whisper, "Say something." He sniffles, wiping his eyes. "I'm so glad I didn't get this and never had to read this knowing you were dead." He says, the tears finally working their way into my eyes. "No one was ever supposed to see those, I had put them away and honestly forgotten about them until now," I tell him. "I never want to have to receive something like this from you. God, imagining life without you, I can't do it. You're my person." he wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his lap. 

"Promise me." He says, looking me in the eyes, wiping the tears from them. "Promise me if you ever feel like you're back at this point, you'll talk to me. I don't care if we're broken up, half a world away, it's fucking two in the morning where I'm at. You call me. If I don't answer, you call Ashton and any of the other boys until someone gets to me. I won't be able to live knowing you're dead and I couldn't help." We're both sobbing now, holding each other. "Promise me, please." He whispers, his voice cracking. This shatters me, sobs wracking my body. I nod, unable to speak. "I love you so much, Dylan." He says, so much emotion in those few words. His arms hold me tight, almost like they're trying to hold me together, and I need it. I do feel like I could fall apart without him.

"I love you, Luke, so much. So, so much." I whisper, hugging him back just as tight. We both slowly calm back down, cuddling together. "I do want you to see a song I wrote around the time I wrote the letters," I say, climbing out of his lap to get my bag. "Since we're already a mess, let's just add to it." I joke lightly, grabbing the correct notebook I meant to grab. I flip to Give Me A Reason, Luke looking at the lyrics.

Tell me do you got a doctor
To stitch me back up and help bring us back to life?
We're giving up on the hard work
'Bout to fall off like a love suicide

Throw us a funeral now
I'll wear my black gown
When they put us six feet down

I still adore you
But we've been dying a little
Don't keep me stuck in the middle
Give me a reason to try

We're gonna lose
You know I don't wanna hurt you
But we've been going in circles
Give me a reason to fight

Yeah, I'm still wearing your sweatshirt
Gives me good luck, reminds me of our old times
When everything used to be better
'Fore kissing and touching turned into sleepless nights

Oh, throw us a funeral now
I'll wear my black gown
When they put us six feet down

I still adore you
But we've been dying a little
Don't keep me stuck in the middle
Give me a reason to try

We're gonna lose (we're gonna lose)
You know I don't wanna hurt you
But we've been going in circles
Give me a reason to fight

You know that I love you (you know that I love you)
Even when it's hard to
We've got what money can't buy
So give me a reason to try (give me a reason to try)

I still adore you
But we've been dying a little
Don't keep me stuck in the middle
Give me a reason to fight 

Give me a reason to fight

Give me a reason to fight

"Is this how you felt?" I nod, scared to look at Luke. "I'm so sorry, Dylan. I should have been there like I promised." "You are now, and that's all that matters," I assure him, wrapping my arms around his and kissing his shoulder.