𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼𝑐𝑒 [𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢/𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜]

Chapter 21 - Todoroki

Watch as she stands with
Her holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder
Now I'm getting colder
(Heather - Conan Gray)

Chapter 21 - 'Todoroki'

Day 242

Winter break rolled around after what felt like a lifetime, though it was only a few months. I was thankful to be home for the first time in my life.

It was strange, I've been trying to avoid that house all my life just to end up wishing I could never leave it again. Back to my personal hell yet feeling like being in paradise.

Was it how it felt to be rejected and left behind? I never thought it would hurt so bad.

I always thought I didn't need anyone's approval in my life but...maybe I just kept lying to myself.

I missed Izuku's eyes and smiles to the point of feeling like I had no air to breathe.

I didn't come to realize how addicted I was to his presence until he suddenly cut himself out of my life. Every time my eyes spotted his green curls or his bright smile across the room, my heart ached more, and my eyes burned with fresh new tears that I couldn't let out.

I missed his voice and the calming effect it had on me; how it lulled me to sleep in my worst nights. Every sound turned hollow. Everything seemed silent, everything around me seemed colorless, lifeless and motionless even if it was moving. It was like it all stopped even though life kept moving on for everyone else, everyone else but me. I even missed his random rumbling. I could still remember the feeling of his finger brushing against the scarred skin of my left eye, the warmth of his body as he held me close at night, I kept thinking about it every time I laid awake at night unable to sleep. How he made me feel loved for once in my life, at peace with the world I hated so much. The way he could make my entire body shiver and the entire world disappear just holding my hand. All vanished with a few words in a split second.

'How could I have been such a fool?
What was I even thinking while I was holding onto him?
Why did I trust him?
Why did I let myself fall in love with him?
I knew from the start that nothing good could come out of this.
I knew no one could ever love me, especially someone as special as Izuku.
Then why? Why I so desperately held onto him?
What the hell was I thinking?
What the hell was wrong with me?'

I stopped making any progress. I spent most of my time laying in bed, I barely ate, the cuts on my arms increased and deepened. I stopped visiting my mother. I had nothing to tell her or any reason to see her really. I don't even know if visiting her was a good idea in the first place, I knew I was hurting her. Having to see me only worsened her mental health anyway.

Natsuo came home. We didn't talk much; we've never been close as kids and neither of us was really interested to bound at this point. Besides what was the point of build a relationship with him if I didn't know how long I'd be hanging around.

One day Fuyumi said that dad had started visiting mom. She seemed the happiest I've ever seen her. She was so excited that the family she so hardly craved was falling back into place. I felt nothing at all. I just stared at her and Natsuo discussing over it as if I wasn't even there, I said nothing, I didn't even move an inch or made a sound. I was completely invisible. No one would even notice if I just disappeared.

Why was I bothering so much to keep going anyway? I was falling apart, wishing for every emotion to vanish again.

At that point I just wished I could hide in my room, not having to face Izuku or the world ever again. I only desired the eternal darkness.