𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼𝑐𝑒 [𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢/𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜]

Chapter 27 - School

Giving us up, didn't take a lot.
I saw the end before it begun,
still I carried, I carried, I carried on...
Ooh, ooh
all I know, all I know,
loving you is a losing game...

(Arcade - Duncan Laurance)

~•~

Chapter 27 - School

DAY 349

TODOROKI's POV

Silence.
Silence was deafening.
If possible, my family ignored me even more than they used to.
They kept a close eye on me but barely spoke to me, only a few necessary words.
And no matter how silently I moved around the house, wherever I stood, I could see Fuyumi checking on me with the corner of my eyes. I hated it as much as I hated the way she kept looking at my shape.
We didn't talk about my weight change, but by the way my tight-fitting clothes hang loosely on my body, it was clear that my loss of appetite had an effect on it. I had a feeling that Fuyumi was trying to make me gain the weight I've lost the previous months by the way she acted. I couldn't shake that feeling off.
I hated how she kept telling me to eat every time we sat with our old man at dinner or how she stared at me till I didn't swallow the last bite of my lunch. It was a royal pain in the ass, especially because it was just a matter of few pounds, not half my weight. Or at least that's how I saw it. I forced myself to eat without complains anyway, I didn't need to be even a bigger burden. I tried really hard, but most of the time I ended up feeling nauseous and vomiting a few hours later.
It's not like I forced myself to vomit, my stomach just couldn't physically take that amount of food after months of barely eating a complete meal.
I wasn't really worried about it anyway; physical things were stupid matters to focus on when my mind and heart were wrecked.

Confessing my feeling was something I've always thought would make me feel better, even if they weren't mutual, I thought that finally laying them in the open would make my chest feel lighter.
But that wasn't the case: having Izuku freeze in my arms and push me away to leave without speaking a word for months made my chest feel a thousand times heavier.
Maybe I should have kissed him one last time, at least I would have a pleasant memory.
Hearing his voice months later just for some stupid senseless apologies didn't make it better. I couldn't even remember the few words we exchanged when he showed up again alone a couple days before I got released from the hospital; I deleted them from my mind, I didn't need them. They would only give me some kind of hope before he cut himself out of my existence once more and silence surrounded me again. Thing that happened anyway because I found myself hoping he'd show up again but ended up not hearing from him again after that day.
The pills Yūki prescribed me become too many and if it wasn't for Fuyumi forcing me to swallow them, I would probably have kept avoiding taking them. Anyway, they didn't seem to actually work, they only made me dizzy or numb but never enough to stop feeling the pain.
Yūki kept coming home, sitting in our leaving room and trying to make me talk. I kept silent, after the last outburst I had, I didn't utter another word. I had nothing left to say. She kept asking questions, mostly about my feelings, but no sound left my mouth.

Feelings...

I didn't know what to do with my feelings...

Yūki kept saying I'd be ok, that I just needed to speak out and that with a bit of time everything would be going back to place.
It didn't feel like it, with every passing day my chest kept feeling a bit heavier and the suicidal thoughts kept running wild in my head. It scared me how trapped in my own mind I was.
I thought that I've reached the limit and that my mind couldn't reach a darker place, yet it did. No matter the amount of meds I took, my mind was far gone and I was aware of it.