𝐹𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼𝑐𝑒 [𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢/𝐷𝑒𝑘𝑢𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑜]

Chapter 23- Sorry

Sorry can't save me now
sorry I don't know how
sorry there's no way out

(Listen before I go - Billie Eilish)

~•~

Chapter 23 - 'Sorry'

Day 290

"Izuku..." - I mumbled after knocking on his door for what felt like the hundredth time. Fuck my pride, fuck everything: I couldn't make it without him. My arms hurt like hell, there was no space left. My hands were pale, both for the cold and the probable lack of blood. My whole body ached covered with the bruises my old man left. My heart kept beating in my chest, but it felt like every beat was the last one. My eyes burned unable to recall the last time I stopped crying for more than a few minutes. I couldn't remember the last time I actually slept or eat properly, the last time I showered, the last time I showed up to class.
I was dying...
I could hear his feet shuffle inside the room and stopping in front of the closed door and her damned voice.

"Babe, don't."

"Izuku please, I just..." - I tried to say something as I rested my forehead against the door and tears kept falling.
"Please, just please..."

When did I lost all my pride? How did I end up begging? When did I cross the line of no return?

"It's fine to hate me Izuku, but...I can't make it..." - I mumbled through tears. It felt like the pain was suffocating me, no matter how much air I filled my lungs with, I felt like I wasn't breathing at all.
However, no matter how much I pledged, it seemed like silence was the only thing I could get as an answer.

"It's one of those moments, please..."

'Don't let me die alone!'

It was silent for an indefinite amount of time, with the only exception of my irregular breathing pattern. No answer, no movement, nothing, just silence, the voices inside my head and the pain in my chest.

"Todoroki..." - Yaoyorozu's voice startled me.

I gave her a glance. She stood at the top of the stairs holding her phone in her hand and seemed in a hurry.

"Come on, we'll sneak into my room. Midoriya texted that you need a bit of help" - she said nearing me. I let my hand slide down the door till it rested by my side as the world seemed to crush on my shoulder. He got her to get rid of me? Not a word? Nothing at all?

"No" - I mumbled looking at her. She frowned in worry placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on..." - she whispered trying to take my hands in hers.

"For fuck's sake Izuku! I'm begging you, please...." - I begged again resting my shoulder against his door as tears started to run down my face faster and my hand gripped on my hair.
"Please..."

~•~

I spent the night in Yaoyorozu's room. She tried to calm me down and put to rest the horrible thoughts running through my head, but it was no use. I said nothing, choosing to keep it all for myself as I always did. Once she fell asleep, I just laid awake staring at the ceiling as the storm kept raging in my head.
Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing made any sense anymore.
My very existence made no sense anymore.
I could disappear and no I've would ever notice I wasn't there anymore.

~•~

⚠️ SUICIDE WARNING!⚠️

[A/N. If you're in a bad place or struggling with your life, please seek help. If you feel like it's too much and there's no other way out, it doesn't mean you're crazy, weak or flawed. Being momentarily unable to cope with your feelings is human. You're loved and valid and there are people ready to help you out.
For all that matters, if you need someone to talk to, my DMs are always open for you. ♥️]

'I'll always be here'
It kept echoing in my head, but it was just a weak reminiscence of a lie.
It was all a lie, he always lied to me. He was unable to care for me on any level as anyone else. I was foolish to think he was my angel; he was like everyone else in the end. Still, he was right, and I was in the wrong.

Why can't I just stop loving him?
Why can't I just stop feeling at all?

I couldn't take it anymore. I was in my own again, pushed aside in a corner, unloved, uncared, pressured to be someone I couldn't be. I didn't want this life, I didn't want this pain, I didn't want to feel at all.

With a final deep breath, I sliced the blade across my skin biting onto my lips to keep from screaming for the pain. I didn't feel much, I knew the pain was there, but I just couldn't feel it over the one of my heart and mind. I looked away as blood started to pour out falling to the tatami of my bedroom floor. The sight made me dizzy and nauseous as I rested my head against the wall.
This was different from the usual small cut I started putting on myself every time it all became unbearable. This was deeper, exactly where it was supposed to be, exactly where blood would pour out in a good amount and at a good rate.
That was it, that was how it was meant to end.

'No one will notice I'm not here anymore...'

I tightened the grip on the blade and sliced it up my arm more without the courage to look. My breathe became shaky as tears run faster.

It was a mess. I was getting so tired. But it was good right? It meant I was doing it right.
It was scary, though it felt extremely right.

'He'll never understand how much I love him...'

The thought crossed my head for a second bringing more tears to my eyes as my gaze focused on the All Might plushie Izuku gave me.
I should have realized that before, I should have written it down somewhere, I should have written him a letter or something. I should have made sure he knew how I felt about him and that I couldn't control it no matter how hard I tried.

'I'm sorry for loving you Izuku.'

I should have made sure to tell him that it wasn't his fault if I couldn't keep going on, even if it was. He didn't need to feel guilty, at least he had been my light in the dark since the very beginning. It was my fault that I placed my feelings on him, it was my fault for being weaker than I thought. I couldn't hold onto him forever and I knew all along, I just made myself blind to it. The years of silence, loneliness, and rejection were too much. it wasn't his fault; he was just the last straw that broke the camel.
I couldn't have him and all I've been doing was burdening him with my presence and stopping him from succeeding in his goals at his own pace...
I was only holding him down for my own selfishness.
It didn't matter if he'd never knew anyway, it was too late, I couldn't find the strength to move. It was becoming hard to even keep my eyes open so with a last glance at the blood puddle on the floor I gave in and shut them closed as my phone kept buzzing somewhere in the room.
I tried to think about his smile, I tried to be glad of what I had for a while, to be glad that the pain would finally stop.
I really wanted his smile to be the last thing I saw before everything disappeared forever. Unfortunately, the only things I could see were blood and him walking away from me.

'You won't miss me anyway....'

~•~

[A/N] ⚠️

Hello babies! ♥️
Here's the double update to celebrate the 1K reads. Unfortunately, it's not an happy chapter.
I'm sorry. 🥺
I'm gonna leave some cake of forgiveness and a box of tissue on the table here and I'm gonna see you next chapter.

If you want to follow me on Instagram, you can find the username down below. ♥️

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Published 9.02.2020
[Partially edited 01.13.2021]

Art ~ Credits to wowthisissad on Tumblr(?).