The Brainy Rebel

TBR 23

Maxine Valdez

"Ate, aalis kami ni Mommy. Sama ka?"

I just smiled at Marg. "Hindi na. I'll stay here."

Tumango lang siya at lumabas na ng kwarto ko. I won't go shopping with them. For sure, magiging chaperone na naman ako.

Nanunuod lang ako ng TV when the door opened.

"Hi, Maxine."

Anong ginagawa niya dito?

Tumayo ako at sinalubong siya. We sat on my bed. "Ate Natalie? Ba't ka nandito?"

"Makikikain sana—Joke! Hindi... important matters lang. Super important."

Natawa ako. I don't know why. She's so cute trying to make serious stuff funny.

"Okay... I'll listen."

"First of all, I want to know how you are feeling. After mong maospital, okay ka na ba?" She asked with a smile.

"Oo naman, Ate."

She apologized for not visiting me there kasi nasa province daw siya. Madami pa kaming pinagusapan. Pero hindi ko akalaing kasama sa list of topics namin ang isang 'to.

"Si Nate."

I stopped breathing remembering the face he left me when I forced him to go away, the time I pleaded for him to leave my life. It hurt. Big time.

I tried to look fine. As usual, faking it and doing a good job. "What about him?"

"He's..."

"I assume he's fine. We're fine." I didn't let her finish her statement. I'm not comfortable knowing news about him. "Everything's good."

"No, he's not fine." She looked at me with care, concern, and pity. I loathe that look. I cannot receive that. What is happening to her? "Nate's going abroad."

Everything stopped.

Isn't this what I wanted? 'Yong lumayo siya sa akin para mapigilan niya ang nararamdaman niya para sakin? Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt to accept what I planned of?

"B-bakit?"

"It was Nate's dream. 'Yon ang gusto niya kaya 'yon ang pinaghandaan nina Mama at Papa. Pag-aaralin siya doon para matupad ang mga pangarap niya."

This feeling... I've felt this way too many times. It aches the same, yet feels so raw.

~

This is crap. Everything is crap. I'll be left again... by a person I love, by a person who means a dimension to me. Hindi ko mapigilang maluha sa naiisip ko. I became less reckless when Nate entered my life. And now he's going to leave. Yes, I wanted him to, but I was wrong. Damn wrong. He should not leave me. I could not afford him leaving me. I was wrong for wanting him to leave my life.

"Max."

Napatingala ako at nakita ang mukha niya. I gulped. This face, this is what I wanted. This is what I want to hold onto.

"H'wag ka nang umalis..." Mabagal kong bulong. Hoping he'd understand every pain in between those words, hoping he'd feel every emotion placed in that plead. I mean it.

"I..." Umiwas siya ng tingin. "I can't."

Nabasag ang puso ko doon. Durog na durog ako sa pagkakasabi niya nun. He can choose not to leave me, but he won't. Because that's what he wanted, right? Because it's what he chose.

I smiled though I broke. "Have fun."

I turned my back to him. Mabilis akong naglakad papunta sa parking lot ng university. This is too much pain to take in. Napamahal ako kay Nate. Too early, but I'm feeling it. This, I know, is love. Kahit masakit, handa akong tanggapin 'yong pag-alis niya. Kasi gustong gusto kong marating niya ang mga pangarap niya. I love him. And that's enough reason for me to wince in pain.

"Maxine, I love you."

I closed my eyes hardly. Forcing myself to believe that what I heard is just a lie. Hindi 'yon totoo. Maxine, maniwala kang hindi 'yon totoo. Mas madali mo siyang mapapakawalan sa ganoong paraan. H'wag mo nang isipin na pwede pang magkaroon ng 'kayo'. Tama lang na iwan niya ako para sa mga pangarap niya. It's for his future, for himself.

I stopped and faced him. "Stop. Please, just stop. Stop saying you love me unless you're planning to stay. Because right now, I want you to leave, to enjoy your life, and to live your dreams."

He fished my hands. "Mahal kita, Maxine... Kahit ngayon lang, maniwala ka. Hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan kung bakit mo ako pinalayo noong nasa ospital ka, pero gusto kong malaman mo na mahal kita—"

"Shut up because I love you too!" I scream with a mixture of truth, nervousness, and pain. "Hindi ko hihilinging h'wag kang umalis kung hindi kita mahal. Nathaniel, mahal kita! God knows how much I do! I want you to stay with me because I love you amidst of my shattered soul. At ngayon, naguguluhan ako dahil alam kong gusto mong tuparin mo 'yong mga pangarap mo!"

He was stoned. Sino ba namang hindi? Kahit ako ay nabigla sa mga sinabi ko. I confessed. Suddenly.

"I... I don't know what to do..." Bulong niya sa sarili niya, which I suppose, hindi ko dapat marinig pero narinig ko.

Minsan na niyang nakwento sakin ang pagmamahal niya sa mga pangarap niya. He dreamed of being a businessman and a chef at the same time. He shared me about his passion and craft for it. Hindi ako deserving para maging pagpipilian niya. It should be his dreams alone. I need to understand that. Life is always about love for dreams before love for love.

"I know. I know your decision and I'm trying my best to let everything in. I love you, Nate. I love you."

He leaned in and stared straight into my eyes. "I love you, Maxine. I love you so much."

He sealed the little space left between us and softly placed his lips directly above mine.