The Aesthetics Of Waiting

CHAPTER 19 (Turtle and Puppy)

Waking up to the glow of the sun from outside the window made me smile and sigh in relief. I remember Zach carried me to bed last night and stayed by my side until I fell asleep. He's really the sweetest.

I sat down on my bed, stretching both arms and making a sound of grunt in every clicks of my back, oh, how I loved that. I walked towards my door and opened it. Walking towards the kitchen, I grabbed the fridge handle and took a bottle of cold water.

Taking every gulp, I sighed in satisfaction and sauntered to the bathroom to take a bath and brush my teeth.

While brushing my teeth, I remember the important thing that I should've done last night! I quickened my move and spit the last gargled water from my mouth.

I picked a comfy shirt and cotton shorts 'cause I don't feel like going out today. I texted Zach a good morning and put my phone on top of the bed.

I slumped myself on the bed and slid out my drawer to get the letter I've been avoiding to read for the past months. Oh my god, my heart is just having a loud repeating thud right now.

I heaved a sigh and concentrate to have a better composure. I've been wanting to read this but there is no perfect time for reading it and there was so many sudden drawbacks and interruption.

I thought I lost this letter already but here it is, calmly gripped inside my fingers. Maybe, just maybe, this letter is really destined for me to read.

I closed my eyes, I opened the letter.

Dear Francine,

I wish I could say everything in front of you to let you know that I am sincere and I am ready to accept the fate for the both of us, but I'm scared. You're making this hard for me. I really want to apologize for the wound and the scars I've made you. Honestly, I knew the day we broke up would cause me a lethal wound to say "goodbye" so I ended up with the words, "I love you".

It's never an easy decision to break up with you and end everything between us. Seeing you cry, baby, it traumatised me. It broke my heart a million pieces and I can't see you again like that because it's hurting me. So bad.

I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to become a headache or a problem to you, I don't want to cause you pain anymore and I don't want you to worry about me... That's why I broke up with you.

Tomorrow is the surgical operation of my brain tumor. The surgery would be very, very much complicated because the tumor appeared in the sensitive part of my brain and if I don't get a surgery or if the tumor will hit a single nerve in my brain, it's either I die or I'll get a memory loss.

Maybe the time that you read this letter, It's either I don't remember you anymore, or... I'm gone.

I wonder what were you doing right now, I wonder if you're also talking to the stars like how we used to when we're both lying on the sand near the seashore. Everytime I look at the stars, I always wish for your happiness-Alone, or with someone else.

I miss your voice, your cute profanities when you're mad, the way you call me "turtle" because you said I swim like them and I call you a "puppy" because you swim like a puppy. Thinking about that just lightened up my mood while writing these down. I miss you.

Baby, every single night is a night full of frustration and sadness without you. It feels like I'm in my own chaos without my peace, without you. Sometimes, I wait for you while looking at the window but then, I know you will never show up. I get jealous of the stars because they can see how beautiful your eyes are. I always crave for your touch, your kisses are my lullabies, your hugs are my refuge and your voice... Baby, you're my home.

I'll just wait for you in our own world. I was never tired of waiting for you. I'll never get tired of waiting for you.

I love you, my Francy. I'll be with you wherever you go. I'll be your guardian angel, you can always talk to me every night, dream of me every night, think of me every morning. You can always leave me a kiss through the wind and it will surely come to me. I'll always remember the day you told me that if there was a lot of choices in the future, you will always choose me. But now that I'm gone in your sight, no matter what happens in the future, I hope you'll remember that day with a smile and know that once upon a time, you made a boy ridiculously happy.

Baby, I love you, I love you so so much I'm breaking into pieces. But, please smile for me. I'm doing this for you. I love you, and this is not a goodbye because goodbyes are for those who are leaving. I never left. The moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew I'll never leave you. I always hold you in my thoughts. Dream of me my love, I'll be forever with you. And I'll be yours forever.

Your turtle,

Ford

I didn't notice that my hands felt numb and my eyes are flowing with tears. All this time, that was the reason of our break up? After one year and eight months? He broke up with me because he doesn't want me to suffer for thinking about his condition?

Why didn't he told me about his condition? I felt a sudden weakness in my limbs and I couldn't move. I sobbed and buried my head onto the pillow. I couldn't contain much hurt.

I took my phone on the drawer and dialed the number of Brittney. She answered the call quickly.

"Brittney," I spoke between my sniffle.

"Francine? Are you crying?" Brittney asked and I can hear a hint of worry in her voice.

"Can we meet today?" I couldn't contain my tears. I cried. "I need you."

"Oh my god, wait, hold on. I'll meet you in your house, okay?" Brittney said. "Send me your address I'll be right there."

"Okay." I muttered.

"Stop crying, I'm panicking." Brittney said. "I'll be right there, wait for me."

She ended the call and I quickly typed my address to her and sent it.

I wasn't ready for this, I thought I was so over him. But knowing all of these made my heart melt into weakness and regret everything bad that I have said and done with him. My attitude towards him when we broke up wasn't really that good. I even called him a jerk. My bad.

I still remember our memories. Everything in my mind is still fresh, all the memories and promises. That promise...

"If there was a lot of choices in the future, I will always choose you."

If only I knew all of these sooner, If only I read this letter earlier, if only I didn't become careless about losing this letter, If only I wasn't covered up with my emotions, maybe that promise is still in my hands.

Maybe I could've understand, maybe I could've waited.

Ford, I'm afraid that I couldn't keep that promise.

I guess, promises are meant to be...

Broken.