The Aesthetics Of Waiting

CHAPTER 32 (Unexpected Mail)

Is there anything much more painful with walking home alone under the pouring rain? The way he told me that he's glad we broke up makes my heart shrink and shatter into pieces. Nobody has ever told that to me. He was my first heartbreak, my first everything.

Am I that horrible? Am I that stupid? I felt like I don't deserve anyone. He made me feel that I was stupid all along. But wasn't I?

Gladly, my house is just several steps away from Sky's house. I went straight to my room and trudged to the bathroom to wash my face. As I was looking at my reflection in the mirror, I didn't notice that my eyes were red from crying and my eyebags were dark like a leaden clouds above the sky.

My face is pale like I lost two bags of blood. I was stressed out. I look exhausted and I feel like my reflection in the mirror wasn't me. It seems that I forgot to take care of myself, I forgot how caring I am with myself, I forgot how I should be treated, I forgot who I should be and most especially, I forgot how to love myself.

I always thought that I am the best girlfriend. I cook for them, I took care of them, I never make them feel worthless, I love them with everything I have, I treat them like they were the most precious thing I have in life and because of that, I forgot to love myself.

I give so much love and attention which resulted of being so obsessed about them. I lost my trust, I lost my dignity and I lost myself.

As I think about these things, I realised that my love for them wasn't enough. It was... More... More than enough.

I walked to my bed and untied my hair. I let out a breathe that I didn't expect I was holding on for so long. I plumped myself into bed and slowly closed my eyes. My emotions are sinking deep in me that it made every single part of me to break slowly. This is worse.

I took my phone in my bag and dialed the number of Sandy. After three rings, she answered.

"Hey, France," She said. "What's up?"

"Could you girls come over?" I said, attempting to sound normal without cracking my voice. "I need you so badly."

"Jesus, what happened?" Sandy uttered. "Is everything okay?"

"To be honest," I sighed. "Nope. I had a fight with Sky."

"Oh my god," She gasped. "We're coming."

After that, I ended the call and slumped myself to bed. I'm so tired of this, I'm so tired of disappointing myself, I'm so tired of heartbreaks and tears, I'm so tired. I never thought that love can be so tiring.

I took my keys from my pocket and walked towards the bathroom. I removed my clothes and pants and soaked myself into the warm cozy water of my bathtub. The rosy scent of the water makes my mind calm for a bit. My anxious mind and tired eyes let go with the warm sense of the water.

I hear myself breathing heavily but it feels so good to be in a quiet place. I never thought that I'd be as comfortable as this. Solitude makes me feel free, it makes me feel safe and sound. This is unusual, I don't feel alone, I feel free.

I stood up and put a shampoo on my hair. I opened the shower and let the water pour into my head, slipping down on my body. I brushed my teeth and took the towel behind the bathroom door.

Just as I finished putting on my clothes and fixing my hair with the towel, the doorbell rang. I took the comb and sauntered to the door. To my surprise, it wasn't Sandy nor my clique.

It was Sky.

My eyes widened and my jaw just dropped on the floor. He's wearing a dark green hoodie, black bottom pants and his hair is fixed messy and he looked so perfect and completely looks like he just threw those on.