The Aesthetics Of Waiting

CHAPTER 23 (Rain featuring Unsaid Feelings)

I am hesitating right now. At first, I didn't know what to do. But by the sound of his voice, he badly needs someone to talk to, he badly wants to see me. But I can't, knowing that Zach would be upset if he knew that he is outside, waiting for me. It would be rude of me if I'll let him soak in the rain, but it would make me feel guilty if I won't tell Zach about this.

After battling with my thoughts, I quickly slipped into my slippers and get the umbrella. I sauntered to the living room quietly, trying not to make any noises, I clicked the door open and pressed the elevator down to the lobby. I scurried to the exit door and looked for any traces. There is only dim street lights, slippery street and few cars rushing for home.

Where is he?

"You came." He appeared on my side, with a black shirt, black pants and he is soaking wet. I was surprised at the way he looks at me. It was like an innocent thunder that has been hiding for a very long time to burst out. He is so deadly freaking handsome with his hair falling messy, the raindrops naturally fall on his perfectly sculpted face, his eyes are full of emotions, I couldn't decipher if he's mad, frustrated, sad or disappointed. Maybe all of the above? I don't know.

I quickly extended the umbrella to his head to prevent him on drenching even more in the rain. A smell of musky strong alcohol wafted the space between us. I knew it, he is drunk.

"Thank you." He smiled. "But it doesn't help, I'm soaking wet."

"Ford, what came to your extraordinary mind that you went all the way here knowing that it's raining heavy and you don't even have any umbrella?" I rolled my eyes and furrowed. "You smell intoxicated. You're drunk."

"You care for me." He said, looking into my eyes warmly, I slowly averted my gaze. This is not right.

"You could've got sick." I said. "Why are you here? And who told you my address?"

"It doesn't matter, Francine." Ford retorted. "I'm here to apologize, I'm sorry."

"That was like months ago," I furrowed. "Does your guardian angel whispered to your ears to remorse?"

"Look, I'm so sorry for my attitude back then. I was so flustered." Ford tugged his hands onto his hair, I could absolutely see the guilt in that gesture. "I'm still picking myself up, okay? I'm so sorry."

I looked into his eyes. "I understand, Ford. You're confused and I was insensitive when I didn't consider—"

"No, I was the one who's insensitive." He covered his face in frustration. "Everyday, everyday that I live, I feel something incomplete. I feel like something is missing inside me, I did everything to satisfy myself from that feeling, but nothing ever worked out. I'm still miserable."

"Hey, look at me." I said and cupped his cheek with my left hand while my right hand held the umbrella. "You're not miserable. You just don't understand some things that are happening to you, but eventually, you'll understand."

"I'm so hopeless, Francine." Ford muttered. I could see the sadness and chaos in his eyes. He held my hand on his face and closed his eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore. I want to remember, I badly want to remember those things that they stole in my mind. But I don't know. I don't know how."

It wasn't usual to see Ford vulnerably standing in front of me, soft and full of emotions. His usual cool and steady demeanor that he shows in front of me wasn't here, he is being bold and naked towards his feelings. Situations like this in the past was bearable, l could handle his emotions when he's jealous or sulking. But now, I don't know how to make him calm.

He suddenly hugged me so tight and I accidentally let go my grip to my umbrella, we are now soaking wet under the rain. I could hear him cry, he tucked his head to my shoulders. I felt uneasy and I faltered. I don't know what to do, should I push him? Hug him back? Give him a pat on the shoulder?

I closed my eyes and sighed. I've waited for this moment where I could hug him again so tight that every little thing that bothers me would disappear and all the broken pieces would stick back together and everything wil fall back to places. But that was then, it's not the same anymore.

Do I just pity him for his vulnerable side? Am I just being nice to him? I can't convince myself any further.

He needs me now, he doesn't know what to do, where to go, and how to calm himself. So I slowly held his waist and pulled him closer to me.

"It's okay." I whispered. "Close your eyes, breathe. I am here. I got you."

"This is all I need right now." Ford said, tightening his hands behind my back. "A hug."

I felt my tears falling down from my eyes. His words played back in my mind.

“Baby, I love you, I love you so so much I'm breaking into pieces” 

Is this how he felt when he wrote in the letter that he's breaking into pieces? Or maybe more painful than this.

"Please, stay." Ford muttered. "Please... Keep me closer."

I felt a tinged of pain in between his words.
When I was like this, where was he? When I needed him to stay, where was he? When I needed him beside me, he didn't keep me any closer. He let go of me.

When I was broken and incomplete both at the same time, where was he?

But I didn't know that he's still suffering after his brain tumor removal.

Now I know, we both felt the pain in a different way.

He pulled out from the hug and held my hands. The rain is still pouring profusely. It seems like it complements on our feelings. It made it dramatic.

"I want to remember everything between us, Francine." Ford held his gaze into my eyes. "I want to know what's missing in me. You said that you're my girlfriend and I want to remember you. I want to remember us."

I narrowed my eyes trying to recall the things that I've said to him. I didn't tell him that I'm his girlfriend. I told him that I was his girlfriend.

"No, we're not together anymore, Ford." I explained. "I told you that I was your girlfriend, that means I'm your ex-girlfriend now. And besides, I'm with Z—"

"Listen, Francine. You told me that we've been together for a year, that I was waiting for you. Maybe, that's why it didn't work out with anybody in the past because I was really waiting for someone."

No, no, no, I don't know what to respond. I clearly have a boyfriend and Brittney told me that he's dating someone now. This is so not right, he can't keep on bringing up the past back just because he felt miserable at times.

"Ford, you listen." I sighed. "I have a boyfriend now, you knew about that. And you are dating someone too, you can't just bring the past back to complete anything that you've been missing."

"When I saw you at the party, I felt something that I've never felt before. I thought that you are familiar and I keep on fixing all the pieces together trying to remember if you are someone from my past. And there you are, coming into my house and confiding that you were my ex-girlfriend and it made me confused and flustered even more. I freaked out."

"Ford, we can't just bring back the past, it's already done. We're done."

"Princess."

I suddenly heard that familiar voice and I turned to see Zach with his umbrella.

Oh for the love of god. How much have he heard from our conversation?

The way he looked at us while Ford is holding my hands, there's an umbrella on the ground yet the both of us are soaking wet.

I felt the urge to explain that it wasn't what it looks like but with that unmistakable anger and jealousy in his eyes,

I knew, I'm in deep trouble.