"I'm conflicted. Lost between what is right and what is right for me, but I fear that whatever I choose, they will both still have that chance of ending disastrous. Life shouldn't be this complicated, or maybe it should be? maybe rifts and ripples are what keeps the water flowing. I don't fucking know..."
• •
"everything went to chaos the day my heart declared war against my brain."
• •
Asuna had stopped mentioning marriaging to me, Ren had stopped asking about adding things to the village, Daisuke had stopped giving me aid in the defense of the village, Hideo has stopped him grumbling about almost everything I do. it seemed like they were growing distant from me, as if I were a disease, but then again, maybe I was. this is what happened back in the leaf as well, Kakashi and I stopped talking just as we stopped being placed on missions together, Gai and I stopped training together, Kurenai and I stopped meeting in odd places to talk about womanly things, Asuma and I stopped talking about me growing up was the idea of love.
It was me, wasn't it? I drove everyone away.
if I had gotten married, Asuna would be happy. if I had built Ren a bigger school building, she could do all she wants with it. If we had more shinobi, we'd be in less need of defense. if I weren't such a screw up, Hideo wouldn't be annoyed by me all the time. if I had been stronger, Kakashi and I would have still been great friends that did missions together. if I had been more youthful, Gai would still be training me. If I had been more pretty, Kurenai would have something in common with me. If I hadn't of been lacking in knowledge, Asuma wouldn't have had to explain everything to me, I wouldn't have had to annoy him with my questions about feelings and emotions.
maybe I was destined to be a failure, that would explain why I had been taken by the Akihara's and made into their punching bag for the month I was there. if I was stronger, I wouldn't have even been captured like I was. I'm such a child, I had to get stronger, I had to stop being so weak and useless. what did the children think of me? they must be ashamed that their leader was so weak and irresponsible, I wouldn't be surprised if the moment they were strong enough, they left the village like I did with The Leaf. at least they'd be happy, right?
what is this emotion I'm feeling? I'm not happy, I want to cry but at the same time..
I just want to disappear and never be seen again..
crack
I raised a hand to my cheek, pulling back to reveal my fingertip shiny and wet. tears. I was crying?
crack
I brought my hand to my heart, it begun to sting and ache from within my chest as if I were poisoned. I was injured?
crack
my mind went blank, I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me. what was this? was I dying? why did my heart hurt so much?
shatter
who was I?
