This is not a poem
And this is not a prayer
I have no poetry or prayers left in me
All I have is a hundred "Fuck You" 's
Bubbling underneath my skin
Fuck you dad
For taking every opportunity to disregard me
Fuck you mom for letting him
Fuck my best friend for being the only person I really want to talk to
And being the only person I really can't
Fuck the birds for flying away as I get close
Fuck the cows for turning their heads as I try to take a picture of them
Fuck every single goddamn blade of grass
Fuck me for believing anything would be different this time
That I would be different this time
I'm so tired of everything I've ever believed in going out of its way to prove me wrong
I'm so tired of not being able to cry until I'm at my breaking point
I wish I could be angry without feeling guilty about it
Without feeling like a perfect asshole
Whether all the things I'm feeling are valid
Or none of them are
I don't think I should have to explode
In order to be noticed or considered
In order to be taken seriously
Or not be taken seriously, as the case may be
I just want to run into a wide-open field
Or down a long windy road
I want to have no idea where I'm going as I leave and never come back
This is not a poem
And this is not a prayer
It's just all the things I wanted to yell into the air today
Scream into the sky today
Paint on my outstretched middle fingers today
On another day it might have been a poem
Because on another day I might have cared
On another day it might have been a prayer
Because on another day maybe my knees wouldn't have been so rigid
But today it's just how I fucking feel
I'm tired of finding cute glass bottles to hide my feelings in
Just so everyone can see them anyway
Just so they can get knocked off my windowsill by my own clumsy limbs next time I forget where my body is in relation to the world around it
Just so they can shatter on the ground
Just so I can shatter with them
I'm tired of writing my feelings on pretty paper
And enclosing them in pretty envelopes
When the feelings are so damn ugly
They don't deserve the pretty paper
Don't deserve all the time and energy of mine they're wasting right now
They don't deserve everything I've set aside to try and figure them out
This is not a poem
Or a prayer
I've got too much fucking pride for that
