The only thing keeping my finger off the trigger
Is the tension in me
Why should I go?
1. I am worthless, and I should not be here.
2. No one would miss me.
Why should I stay?
Because I can't leave.
I can't do that to them.
But I thought no one would miss you?
I know one thing, and I believe another.
If I am what I tell myself I am, then there is no reason not to go.
No reason but the fear of pain and death.
But if I am in constant pain when alive, why endure it? Why not live in pain for a moment and feel nothing the next?
Because there isn't just nothing.
I don't believe in nothing after death, I believe in heaven and hell and consequences.
But if I am a Christian, and I believe that death has no sting for me, why am I scared to go there?
Because I don't believe what I know, and I don't know what I believe.
This is the chair of unfaith, where I sit condemned, not by God but by myself.
I didn't know what it was called, but in my mind the chair was quite literal. The walls and floor were concrete. I never saw a door. I was not tied but I could not move. Couldn't do anything, except to scream, or cry, or reach out to the gun on the table in front of me.
And while I imagined the sound and the scene many times, I never moved. The tension held me still.
But then I turned around.
