I Can't Take It Anymore

17. Sorry

Here I am here on the floor in my feels with constant tears strolling down my face. In the dark typing my last word before deciding to read it out loud to make sure it sounds good enough. All night I've tried to talk myself out of doing it but I just don't see what else there is left to do. I have no one to talk to who's going through the same thing. I'm just alone in this screwed up world. For all my sixteen years I've been alone so I plan to die alone.

*My Note:

If anyone ever finds this please show it to my mom. And also if you don't know who I am, I'm Kailyn Monroe. I'm leaving this note as apart of my memory and a last goodbye to my mom. A lot has happened in the past year that no one knows about. Those specific things have turned me into the person I was. Which is something I wasn't proud of.

Everything that happened is far too much for me to write in this letter. I hope the person who caused me so much pain decides to speak out once the truth comes out. I killed myself because I didn't know what else to do.

When each day you have the constant memory of something that happened quite often you wouldn't be able to continue to take it. I was tired of living a lie and mostly tired of the burden of my secret that I couldn't find the words to tell. But right here are some words that I often imagined saying but didn't have the pride to say it.

I'm sorry mom that this letter will be my last words to you. I'm also sorry for those grieving over me, but I know that it won't be many. I guess it's about time to acknowledge my parents. Mom I loved you more than you would ever know.

When I was living, I prayed you loved me back. Just to hear those three words could've helped to make a difference. I can count at least five times when you said to me those words. You never once said it this year and it made me wonder if you ever cared.

Many times I needed you but not once were you there when I needed you most. However, I don't blame you because you were basically a single parent. You were my mother and I appreciated everything you did. I guess it's time I address my other parent.

Right now I could call you so many names but I'll keep it somewhat respectful by calling you by your first name. Carter you taught me two things in life. One, is that a man isn't worth losing your self respect. Secondly, you taught me the importance of women and their struggle when it comes to you men.

Growing up I watched you put your hands on my mom numerous times. It would be the same thing every time. You never once cared about me and you ruined so much for me. I won't ever forgive you for what you did to my mom or me. I'm taking every ounce of pain you caused me to the grave. You were never the "perfect" father instead it was more like a dead-beat taking all his aggression on his family. I hope one day that mom can forgive you. Maybe she can be a bigger person than I was.

I guess my time is over with. Mom I'm sorry that I couldn't be the daughter you needed me to and Carter I'm sorry that you became the person you did. I'm just sorry. Love, Kai.

*End

It's sad that my life has came to this. Last night I stayed up thinking and for some reason I couldn't get these depressing thoughts out of my mind. I'm doing this to make me happy and to end my suffering, having to have my guard up, and no more flashbacks. I deserve better and unfortunately maybe death is what's best for me. I know 'what can killing yourself do?' It can stop these voices in my head every time I have another flashback or re living those things. At this point it is what it is. I'm over my life.

...

Donor's gate to the house I use to stay in is meeting me to my face. I made sure that he wasn't here by remembering his work schedule. He leaves early and doesn't come back until late.

After hearing the beep to the gate I walk to the back of the house. When mom and I use to live here the lock use to have the hardest time locking so it was easy to pick. No. I'm not crazy but it's honestly no that hard to do.

The only reason I'm back in this demon's house is because I've been thinking on just how I'm going to end it all. Once donor was more drunk then normal on this specific night. Mom came home late from work and he flipped out thinking she was doing what he did often, cheat. He held a gun in his hands pointing it at mom like she was this type of enemy. Of course I couldn't do anything so I hid on the stairwell watching everything. I think he was so drunk that I don't even think he knew that he actually did it. He used a gun to threaten mom and now I need his gun to threaten my life.

Hearing the click of the lock, I opened the door slowly. Even though I didn't see any cars I can't be too sure. I just need to get to the downstairs closet. Since we moved from the other house I can't remember where they stored it. Tip-toeing across the floor I hear two faint voices upstairs. Dang, I'm scared. Let me hurry this up.

Quickly, reaching to the top I felt that the shelf is empty. Which only means that it's in his office. The voices stopped so I take that as my cue to head upstairs to donor's office.

Looking both ways I turned to the corner. I'm trying to be cautious because I can't afford to get caught. Finally, in his office I flip and move every file until I notice that it wasn't here either. I'm just going to have to go through each one. The last drawer is locked. Which means it has to be here. Picking the lock I was met with a shiny pistol. I place the gun in an old t-shirt of mines then I found the bullets. You can't be dumb and not check to make sure the gun isn't loaded.

Suddenly the sound of footsteps on the opposite side of the door filled my senses. I look up from the desk to see Veronica, donor's girlfriend. Eventually our eyes meet nearly making her jump out of her skin.

"Kailyn, is that you?" she confusingly asked.

"Yep. It's me. I'm going to leave now." I said holding my bookbag tight, while trying to walk away but instead I am blocked by Veronica.

"How did you get in here?" she's still holding onto my arm.

"Just came to grab a file for school," I lied. Wow, I'm really good at this.

"I see."

She's giving me a puzzled look like she's trying to believe. Any other time I would love to answer all of donor's side chick questions but at this very moment she's cutting into my plans.

"Look Veronica if you ever had any respect for me or my mom don't tell him that I was here," I said referring to donor.

She smiled, "I can do that. As long as you don't tell him I was here too."

I smirk back at Veronica. She seems like a decent woman but she won't deserve what donor has in store for her.

"Before I leave I just want you warn you to watch your back with him."

I really will feel bad if he did something to her because no one deserves that.

"I already know. He's a skeptical man, but you should go before he gets back."

I only nodded because it seems like she was dismissing me. Oh well she'll learn why I warned her. Halfway down the stairs I turn around from the sudden yelling coming from donor's office.

"Wait up! I just want to apologize for my actions. If I would've known that he was married, things wouldn't have went as far as they did or how they are now," she said with apology in her voice.

I look back at her, "Don't apologize to me you owe it to my mom. You didn't hurt me or my mom. You only played a part when it comes to being with him."

I didn't give her a chance to respond because I have a lot going on in my mind and her having an affair with donor was the least of my worries. She was worried about clearing her conscious for her wrongs and I'm scared about ending my life . So you tell me whose problem is more important.