I Can't Take It Anymore

20. I choose myself

*Kailyn POV:

"I'm so sorry, Kai. This is all my fault. I'm sorry," said mom, before letting go of my hand and leaving the room.

Before you ask am I going to make it, I'm going to have to say that I have no clue. The only thing I do know is that I'm tired of being in this bed surrounded by all these doctors and nurses. I also know that I'm in a coma that's one of the reasons why I'm not awake.

Each time I try to open my eyes they don't bulge as if they're glued together. Suddenly, I feel a cold hand rub its way onto my side. I wish I could jump and stop them since the spot where their hand is sensitive. Makes sense since there's still a bullet there.

A sharp object is injected into me. I wonder what they're doing. After either a doctor or a nurse finished twisting and turning the blade inside of me, they pull it out me then bandage me back up. I guess I'm all alone again. Lucky me. I know the doctors and nurses are trying to save me, but I don't want to be saved.

Even though I wasn't aware that I pulled the trigger, I'm glad I did. I'm not happy that mom had to see me like that, but I guess either way she would've saw me possibly dead. I don't feel bad about my decision but I regret making mom suffer.

The voice of someone that I've heard before is now visible in the room along with other voices that I don't recognize.

"Alright, y'all she seems to be doing just fine. Thanks to Nurse Jayde who helped to aide in removing the last bullet. Kailyn, will hopefully wake up soon. It's all up to her. Let's keep pumping out her system through the IV," said the doctor, I think.

"You heard Dr. McCall, let's get to it!" yelled a woman voice I've also heard before.

"Thanks, Nurse Jayde."

The people and their voices left the room. I'm more confused than before. It's a real challenge depending on only my touch and hearing. Every little detail that I hear I use it for prior knowledge because let's face it, sooner or later I'm going to die. Until then I'm just going to have to wait.

...

The sound of an annoying voice came into my senses. It's not like I can ignore it since I'm awake, but at the same time I'm not.

"Welcome back everyone. Today we have a new segment on surface. I must say that this segment is very sad and touching. Earlier at approximately 1:40 p.m. there's been word about a sixteen year-old, female who attempted suicide. Being apart of our channel means that you get inside information within our community. The shots that were fired caused many at the apartment complex startled calling the cops. When they arrived on scene the teenager was already omitted to Atlanta Memorial Hospital. Some may of known the teen from school here located in Atlanta at Atlanta High.

As of this moment we're not allowed to disclose names but we will be able to soon. We have sources on the lookout seeking for information. No one has any information, so please if you know anything please call down to our station. The number is down below. In the meantime let's keep the victim and her family in our prayers. Before closing out my name is Keith Davenport and thank you for watching Our Channel 15 News," said Keith, the news reporter.

I know I heard them wrong. What ever happened to a thing called privacy? Now everyone is about to know the "new girl" is crazy. I don't understand why they would want to find out more about me. People barley cared to find about me before, so why start now.

"Alright turn that off. As you all know Kailyn's story is now broadcasted. We're advised to not disclose any information. Everything is confidental. Now let's check these vitals and do our job."

Everyone in the room left except for one person. The person's hands felt small so this has to be a woman's. What man do you know has small hands? After they finished they left out, leaving me alone like all the other times.

*Three days later:

Now I've been in the hospital for four days and since I've tried to kill myself. The doctors still don't know whether or not I'm going to survive. Not being able to open my eyes is now irritating me. If I couldn't succeed in killing myself and die, what's the point of me suffering. It's literally the same thing everyday no one comes to visit except for doctors, nurses, and of course mom. She stops by just to say her daily prayer.

"Kai, I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you. If only I could've been there sooner. I pray that you heal and get the courage to live. I need you to live, for me. I can only imagine how much pain you're going through. I just don't understand why you would've done such a thing. I'm praying for you to live Kailyn and I need for you to do the same. Not just for me, but for yourself. Life is tough Kai, but you're stronger then all of this. You can fight this, Kai because you always have," said mom.

Her normal prayer always questions my decision for wanting to end my life. I want so bad to tell her the truth. I want more than anything to open my eyes and look mom into her face and tell her everything. I didn't do it before because I was too ashamed and scared. I just wasn't strong enough. More than anything in the world my decision made me feel like I chose myself for once and that's all that mattered was me choosing me.