I Can't Take It Anymore

30. My Own Therapy

Kailyn's POV:

"My apologizes, she's asleep. I'll wake her up." spoke mom, but I'm already up. Her opening the door made me jump out of my sleep. As both Dr. Bryant and mom walked back into the room on each other's heels, they both eyed me.

Mom grabbed her purse then looked back, "I'll be in the waiting room until you're done. Text me."

After mom left the room Dr. Bryant sat down and took out his notebook prepared to write down more of my sob stories.

"You're not much of a morning person are you?" he chuckled.

I see nothing funny and of course he's wrong. I actually love waking up early, but lately all I've been doing is sleeping. However, I can't ever enjoy it because someone is always interrupting it.

Ignoring his comment I ask, "What are you even doing here?"

"My job, but you already knew that. We can both continue to be difficult or the quicker you answer my questions I can leave."

Him speaking on leaving made me finally start to listen. "Sounds good to me."

"Let's start with what we were talking about last session." I thought about him discussing the amount of times he tried to kill himself. And how he thought it was contradictory to what he does for a living. "This time I want for us to discuss something that scares us. You start it off then I'll finish."

Something scary? I have many fears to many to count but I guess he means something that relates to why I'm here. Fidgeting with my hands I whisper my truth, "I have a lot of fears but probably the biggest one is me living."

Dr. Bryant wrote something down then nodded, "Very good. After I tell you mines, we'll talk more about your fear. But my fear is based off failing. Not failing myself, which sometimes scares me but I fear of failing my patients. Like I told you before my whole life is a contradictory. You'll be surprised how many adults judge my degree by my actions that consisted of my mental health. As if I didn't doubt myself of how could I help someone else as if I wasn't just like them."

The room fell silent because I don't want to be insensitive. It's not my business to ask questions but I still wonder why he's a therapist. To me something like that doesn't add up, but everyone has a story.

"Why did you attempt suicide over 20 times?" As soon as it left my mouth I felt bad. There I go with my big mouth.

He laughed shaking his head, "No need to feel shamed. I know what I did and I can't take it back. But I did it for the same reasons why you tried to kill yourself."

I instantly straight faced him. Now I regret feeling any emotion towards his situation. "You don't know anything about me or my reasonings for anything."

He held his up hands up in surrender. So dramatic. "My apologizes. You're right, I don't know you but majority of suicide victims all try commit  due to something from their past or something that they're trying to forget. We all have our own problems but the reasons are because we feel that we can't take it anymore."

He sat back in his chair crossing his hands as if he knew everything about me. Some of what he spoke is true, but he still doesn't know me.

"Now let's get back to your fear of living. Why are you scared to live?"

I focused my attention on the window and saw all of Atlanta's traffic. I need something to get my mind off my emotions.

"Those reasons that you insist that you know oh so well, I guess. When you go through something that happened to you frequently, you forget about everything else. The pain haunts you everyday because you don't know how to escape it because you re live it as if it never happened. No one knows what I've seen and what happened to me. The thought of living this nightmare scares me to death. So yeah I thought that if I couldn't handle waking up everyday and look myself in the mirror why not just end it." Great now I'm crying. Which I didn't want to happen. Still not taking my eyes off the window I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look back up to see Dr. Bryant who looked as if he was quizzing me.

"Can I ask you this, why did you want to end your life so bad? Not for what everyone else did to you but what made you say that enough was enough?"

His question sort of made me lost for words. I never once thought about the "why's" I only thought back to my pain.

"I never had a perfect life, nor the perfect family. So when everything happened to me I didn't know what else to do. The pain just never stopped." I shocked myself spilling out my feelings because I hardly ever do so. My tears have yet to stop.

Dr. Bryant stood to grab my shoulder to snap me out of my thoughts, "You did great today. Kailyn we covered a lot, so I'm going to head out. I'll see you soon." I completely blocked him out to try to calm myself down. I think therapy might just be working.

...

Later @ night:

I still haven't spoke to mom since therapy. I decided to ask her if she could go back home and grab me a few more things. She had already bought me back my phone, it's charger, and headphones. My starter pack. I can't remember the last time I listened to some Kehlani. Her new album is everything. Blasting to changing someone's life, I checked my notifications. I have multiple missed calls from Mr. Andy, Jessica, and the pest Bianca.

I know you're probably thinking why not call back Mr. Andy and Jessica but I can't. By now my name is probably displayed throughout the news. I don't need them to judge my actions or pity me. So when I see them, I see them. They only thing that's giving me hope is therapy and Marcus. Therapy has opened my eyes to see that it's true when it comes to me hiding my feelings. For once, speaking my truth makes me feel better. However, when it comes to Marcus he's the only person who knows majority of my situation. So I can pretty much tell him everything. Even though I'm closed off person. Even though he irritates me, he's like the only person I can depend on. I think it's funny how we haven't seen each other in years, but we still act the same towards one another. Petty, awkward, and mean. But it wouldn't be us if we weren't. Remembering that he told me to call him if I needed anything, I might just text him to get on his nerves. What I do best. Pulling up our messages our last text was from that night.

Marcus 🤔👀😒

You couldn't tell anybody you made it 😑

Oh so you do have my #and I got here yesterday my bad

Yeah your bad. I just wanted to say you were right about therapy.

Is that right 😏? But that's wassup. You read my letter?

My mind drifted back off to his letter.

Dear Kai,

As you know I already left, so I just wanted to give you this since I couldn't say it to your face. Kailyn you taught me so much like how to care for a person. You might not know this, but when I met you I was already an intern for doctoring. I never wanted to be a doctor until you. To be honest ever since that night at the hospital we became closer and I noticed. That's probably why I did everything that I did for you. I guess you can say I was getting attached. Don't joke me because I know you felt the same. But there that guilt went reminding me about our age. You're a real friend Kai and I don't want to mess that up, so I apologize for that night. If I could take it back I would. I'm also sorry that I had to apologize to your mom. Don't worry I didn't tell her anything. I just wanted to say sorry and text me later.

Bye big head,

Marcus

The thought of the letter made me more confused than I already was. I think I'm thinking right but I'll never know because I'm not going to ask. He needs to tell me on his own.

Marcus 🤔👀😒

Yeah I read it. Thanks for the apology.

That's all you have to say?

There's plenty to say but bye Marcus I'm going to sleep.

So why not say it? But nite Kai.

I leave him on read and place my phone down, while now listening to Queen Naija. I think I've had enough for a day. Between therapy, Marcus, and my mental health I need a break. And how am going to accomplish that. Watch me with this nap.