I Can't Take It Anymore

18. My last goodbye

*Authors Note: In this chapter the scene might be triggering for some. It includes self harm and abuse of drugs.

Back at home:

Back here on this couch in a pool of sweat I feel disgusting. Soon all these nightmares and flashbacks won't ever be able to haunt me anymore. I need a shower because I don't know the last time I stepped foot in some water. I know just disgusting, but as you can see I'm going through alot.

The steam fogged up the bathroom mirror. Peeling my hoodie and leggings off, I can now see all my scars and bruises. Some from my childhood and some were freshly made. My spitting image makes me sick to my stomach. This is just pure embarassment. I feel tears coming but I need to suck it up because after today I will no longer be ashamed nor will I fear about the past.

Stepping into the warm water I hum to the soft echo of Bryson Tiller playing through the speakers. As he sings about righting out his wrongs, I enjoy the relaxzation of this shower. After cleaning myself and having the satification of water covering me, it was now time to get out. Clinging a towel around me I hear a *ding* interuptting my music. Opening up my notifications there's another text from "unknown".

"I see you didn't have the guts to comeback to school. My job is offically done!"

I roll my eyes because she's right her job is done. After today, nobody is going to have to ever worry about me again. I'm sick of the daily reminder of the past. For years I would try to close my eyes and pretend that no it wasn't me. I wasn't in the wrong it was there wrong doing. Keeping everything in was what was for the best. Now I'm wondering if I should've spoke up. I had my reasons I felt I had no choice. It was either tell or someone else would've suffered. I just want to block out the noise out once and for all.

Looking through the medicine drawer I literally grab every pill bottle that I come in sight with. If I'm going to do it, I need to do it the right way. I swallow the pills like it's candy. One after one I swallow them down until there isn't anything left in my hand. Instantly I feel different. Do people normally get a reaction like this, that fast? Well lucky me I don't have to wait and change my mind.

Still wearing the towel, I head back to the living room looking for my bag for the gun. I think maybe I need to change but what's the point. We all came in this world naked so why not leave it that way too? Not feeling anything I stumble to the patio, which I find to be a challenge since I feel numb.

I sit on the long chairs taking in the sun. The weight of the gun is heavy. Now blinking away tears I hold the gun to my head. All these tears are memories of everything that he once did to me. Slowly, I realize my grip getting tighter on the gun so I switch hands. My eyes flutter but that just continued the tears. Is this end? Am I really about to die?

Taking the gun off safety I start to pull the trigger until I hear mom's voice.

"Kai...where are you? Kai?"

I have to be hallucinating. Y'all don't do drugs because this isn't it.

"Kai, I'm home. I wanted to surprise you."

I try to block out the sound of mom because I know it's all in my head. Her voice was close but wasn't as close until I heard it on the patio with me. My brain is confusing me bad with these games. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

"What you doing out here and why are you in a towel?" asked mom confused.

Now I know that this was her voice and wasn't in my head after all. She does always have perfect timing. Quickly, I drop the gun by my side to get it out of her sight.

"W-what...yo-u doing he-"

I can't even finish my sentence because my eyes won't stop fluttering and I just know that I'm about to OD. Trying to pull the gun away from me, it's as if my brain and hands have a mind of it's own. I pull the trigger.

*Pow! Pow!

"What the...Kai? No! No!" mom screamed.

My heart quickens. The sound of me gasping for air is the only thing that I can focus on. I choke on my own blood as it fills my mouth and seeps out of my body. Dang, if somebody would've told me it was going to hurt this bad I wouldn't have done it.

Mom is still yelling. The sting from the bullets are no longer bothering me. I'm happy this is the end. No more pain. I can lay in a field with dark red flowers. My favorire flowers. Before I close my eyes, I feel mom hovering over me. My last thought is, I love you mom.