I Can't Take It Anymore

32. Worth Living

*Kailyn's POV:

I'm still here in this hospital, but at least it's my last day of therapy. As for my physical health it's still up in the air. They claim my wounds are still healing, but I can't tell. I feel the same since when I first came here. Besides that I'm slowly starting to gain my strength back.

Mom came back from where ever she was to just stare at me. I'm dreading the conversation about why I did it. Lately, she hasn't pushed it so I'm definitely not about to mention it.

"Good morning y' all," greeted Nurse Jayde with my breakfast, which I'm not about to eat. I'm glad that I'm stuck with Nurse Jayde as my nurse. She's not annoying and she takes her job seriously. If I was a nurse I would definitley want to be her. From her style and attitude. She doesn't dress like all the other nurses. She keeps it basic with her scrubs and she's always wearing either her white or black hurraches to go along with them. However, when it comes to her attitude don't even try to play with her. She'll turn that classy nurse act to a "get messed up real quick" nurse. I heard it for myself.

"Hey Nurse Jayde," I replied.

As she began to change my bandages she seemed stressed out even mom noticed. "You good?" mom questioned.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even know I was making it look obivous. I'm good though. Just these double shifts are killing me. Dr. McCall is lucky I don't know where he ran off to having them detective's chasing me around because of him. Ever since he left no one has been able to get back to him."

Before I realized it I spoke up, "Why do they need to speak to him?"

Nurse Jayde eyed me in suspicous. "Girl I don't know. I just wish they will find him so they can leave me alone. I'm not the boys mama."

Mom laughed and I only faked smiled. By the time Nurse Jayde left mom left right after since my last session was about to start. But before that I need to give Marcus a head's up.

Marcus 🤔👀😒

Maybe it's best that you left.

🤔

Atlanta Bureau is looking for you

Probably that detective. Just don't tell nobody where I am

Who I'm going to tell? 😒

Idk...you do talk a lot

You can shut up

Make me

Before I could respond I heard the door open so I put my ringer on silent and glanced up to see Dr. Bryant. "You happy that it's our last session?"

...

We've been sitting here quiet for about a good 15 minutes. Since it's my last session he apparently has more paperwork to fill out. Is it bad that I don't want this to be my last session? I know that at first I hated the idea, but now I see Dr. Bryant as more than a "babysitter". He's like a cool sibling who you can talk to about anything.

"My bad about that. I had to sign off somethings. Today's session should be short. It's sort of like a "what did you learn" topic. Over the short time that I observed you, you told me and taught yourself about your own issues. Let's talk about what you overall learned about your attempt and would you changed your decision."

If I'm being honest I don't know the answer to his question. This whole process has helped me but I don't think I learned too much about myself.

"Overall I think therapy has helped me put focus on what's my main issue which is stuff that I already knew because it is the reason into why I'm here. I think something I've learned is how I never think of the good times, only the bad. Don't get me wrong there's more bad but at least I was living. The thought of the pain that someone caused me almost made me end my life and that taught me that no one should have that much control over me. Do I regret that day? Yes and no. I asked myself the same question when I was in a coma. To be stuck between life and death felt just as worse. I'm assuming the anticipation had got to me. I regret holding the gun up to my head and it dropping to my side and still shooting me. I also regret my mom seeing me like that. But I don't regret feeling the way that I did. I can't help how I felt- feel but it's the way I go about it, " I expressed breaking down.

Dr. Bryant had this big smile plastered across his face like he accomplished something. Now he wants to clap like I did something major.

"I finally got somewhere with you. Finally! You did it, so now it's my turn. Always on my patients last session I tell them my story. It sort of gives them hope because I survived." he sighed like it was a struggle to speak about his past. I have to admit I'm interested to hear about this 20 times of suicide attempts. It just seems unreal.

"So, this is the condensed story. At the ages 13 and 14 I tried to commit suicide about five times. I was raised in a single parent household with my three brothers and two little sisters. My mom turned to alcohol and cigarettes after our father left her. She worked nights leaving me to babysit my siblings. By the time I turned 16 I got a job to help out but every dime I made mom used it for her own personal stash. At age 15 and 16 it was about eight times that I tried. I had to learn the hard way to take care of myself and siblings. We were pretty much all we had. My attempts consisted of pills. No many how many times I tried it didn't work. I think my body was immune to them."

He took a break to stand up. I was confused in what was going on until I saw the tears on his face, "I thought I did a good job in not getting caught. My little brothers and sisters were too smart for their own good. They depended on me and I failed them the moment I wasn't there for them the one time they needed me. The day I got caught was when I was at work and our home caught on fire. I had no choice but to leave my siblings at home with my mom because it was wither that or not eat. Long story short the house burned down due to my mom falling asleep with her wine and a lit cigarette. When I got off that day, I went to get dinner and made my way home. I saw the smoke and literally ran into the burning house. I passed out trying to save everybody.

Mom was locked up since everyone put the pieces together. Which left us in foster care. It wasn't that bad but it wasn't home and especially not once they separated us. That day I was heart broken because I lost the last pieces to my family. By the time I was still 17 nothing in my life was going right. My grades were bad, I had no family, and I started bad habits. I bought some pills from this guy at school. He had gave me some before but that time I took more than normal. The family that I stayed with had this huge balcony. I don't remember being out there but I was sitting on the rail just thinking about life and suddenly I fell. That's why I can barley walk now."

He grew silent as if he was having a hard time. I feel so bad for him but I also appreciate him for telling his story. "You don't have to tell me anymore if you don't want to."

"It's fine. I told it about a million times. It's just still hard to admit. I was in the hospital for sometime. I had to have therapy which is where I met my wife Angel. I used to call her a guardian angel because she saved my life. I turned my life around after meeting her. When I was 21 I got my family back, went back to school, and got a steady job with the help of Angel. It was all difficult but it all eventually played out. I got the life that I never dreamed of, but it was a life that had multiple opportunities, so I took it. So my weaknesses played a key role in my life. It's my reasons for continuing for my family, wife, kids, and myself. It's that simple you just have to decide if you're worth living."