Soothing like the Stars

Not A New Chapter

It's currently 3:22 and my mind is racing like a horse train for its biggest competition yet!

Has this got anything to do with SLS? Nope!

Am I using this as an opportunity to express the last few years of trauma and emotions I've kept bottled up for an unhealthy amount of time?
You bet!

Because psychologically when it's the latest and more normal sleeping hour, you're body is prone to telling the truth which is why secrets or stories are told at such late hours.

But if you haven't skipped this yet or decided to see what the hell I'm going on about then it's about my mental health!

My family has a long line of depression and anxiety, although it doesn't mean I have it, it does mean that my mom believes I have anxiety but won't get me checked for it because she doesn't want me to get prescribed pills that made my anxious brother zombie like in fear that I'll go down a road like that!

Now my mind races 24/7, I don't get peace when I'm eating, going to bed, when I shower, when I'm sitting down, when I'm writing because for some bound reason from hell I'm meant to think and worry, think and worry, think and worry until I have to move or get up just to find something to distract myself from it.

Now my living conditions are completely good. Running water, food in my belly, roof over my head. That's all I could ask for.

But to a lot of people's concerns, even my own mothers- I live in isolation.
No TV
No video games (hand held included)
No siblings (my age/that lives with us)
No friends
And about 3 hours Max of family interaction everyday.

I have nothing for myself. I have a phone! And I do EVERYTHING on it. But staring at your phone isn't ideal for a happy life.

And to be honest, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be happy. Like how can someone look around and just know their in a good place? I can't.

Because the only bad thing about my life is my mental health.

My mom has been in and out of prison because of my stupid fucking Tia (aunt) and her stupid ass husband. My mom has struggled her entire life to give my siblings a normal life.

My step dad tried to kill my mom and it's my fault the police didn't come. My younger brother tried to call the police and I stopped him... I stopped my brother from helping my mom because I was afraid. I was so stupid! Why did I let that happen?? The man that raised me for 11 years of my life tried killing my mom before our eyes.

My bio dad is with us, but he's an alcoholic. He was in the hospital for almost a month and the doctors said he has 4 years left if he continues to drink.. And he still does. He says he has lived his life and has seen what he has and he's content but I'll only be about 21 22 years old- that is IF he has 4 years...

He's not even that old.. He's in his 40s and one of the youngest out of all his siblings..

My mind doesn't stop, and everything that goes thru my head doesn't leave..

Everyone looks to me.

My mom, dad, older siblings, younger brother. They all come to be for advice and serious questions because they see me as stable and wiser than them. . I'm not..

I'm only 17- sure I'm turning 18 the 26 but I'm just a kid.. I didn't have the chance to be a kid even... I worried about my mom, I worried about school. I had to graduate and I have to get a job. I have to be successful so my mom won't struggle no more!

I won't be successful because I'm not straight..

Happy Pride Month everyone, ya boi is ftm.. I'm transgender.. I'm the black sheep of my family.

My mom and siblings aren't homophobic but I can't say the same for the rest of them..

My head is spinning.. Thanks for listening if you got this far.

~Fiction