Heartbeat

34| Together

I couldn't sleep last night. No matter how many times I close my eyes and try to stay still, I just couldn't. I tried listening to classical music but that didn't help either. I was just too worried and maybe, I was also scared. I was scared that if I close my eyes for even just a minute, it's the same minute where something goes wrong.

I wanted to go to work but they wouldn't let me. Both Damien and Dr. Hudson insisted that I took the day off today. I tried to reason my way out of it but they wouldn't budge saying that I wouldn't be in the right headspace if I went there. I could barely argue back knowing that they were right.

I'm not even doing anything right now and I can barely think straight. I can't get the image of Holden on that stretcher out of my head. I haven't even opened the box of chocolates because it was just painful to look at. I felt sad but I also felt so angry but I didn't know what to be mad at.

Fate?

The world?

A deity?

I was frustrated. Every time I put myself out there, I only got hurt. To damn with experiencing the world beyond the books! The more that I know about this world, the more I just experience pain.

I wish I was back in my old dorm skimming through thick textbooks where all I had to really worry about was getting a good mark. I wanted to be at the hospital today to at least do something that can distract me but I knew I couldn't take it. Damien assured me that he would constantly keep an eye on Holden and that he would text me the moment he was awake.

I stared at my phone on the bedside table waiting for the distinct sound or even a vibration to signal me that I'd gotten a text. I was staring at it for minutes but still nothing.

I decided to avert my thoughts from my phone and I closed my eyes in hopes of forgetting the pain. At this moment, I really wished I couldn't feel anything, I wish I was some heartless know it all that didn't bother making connections or even bonds with others. I took the card that Holden wrote and I clutched it tight against my chest. A tear fell down from my cheek and soon enough, I was crying again.

I closed my eyes and felt the tears fall. I spoke to whoever may hear me, "Please.....please.....if there's even a god out there...I don't want to hurt anymore....take this away from me."

I could barely breathe at this point, my heart hurt. So much. I was finally happy but then it all just went away in an instant. What if I had just said yes back at that wedding reception? What if I had just never let him in my life? Maybe, just maybe, I would have been saved from all of this pain.

I couldn't stop myself from crying, every time I try to, all I can see is Holden on that stretcher, unconscious. He had an illness that he didn't even bother to tell me.

Suddenly, I heard the familiar ping that came from my phone. My eyes immediately shot open and I hastily grabbed my phone. To my relief, it was a text from Damien.

Damien: He's awake, he's in room 320

I didn't even bother to reply back. I immediately got out of bed and threw on whatever clean clothes I could find. I didn't care about how I looked, I just needed to see his face again. I ran out of the apartment and locked it on the way out, bringing with me my wallet, phone and Holden's card that he wrote for me.

I didn't bother taking the elevator, I didn't want to wait. I took the stairs going down, running as fast as my legs could, and eventually I was outside the building. I hailed a cab and thankfully traffic wasn't so bad today. Within minutes, I was finally at North Haven. I got out of the taxi and paid the driver without bothering to get the change. I know I was in a hurry to see him but I found myself stopping right in front of the entrance.