Our show in Glasgow wasn't till tomorrow so we weren't really doing anything apart from taking a rest today. Apart from me, I was going to be meeting Olivia outside my hotel in just five minutes. The plan was to keep it a secret from everyone apart from Bondy but that was impossible, although they didn't react like a I thought they would. 1357 was the time on the clock and that meant it was time for me to head down stairs.
"Good luck mate" Said Bondy, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder before I stepped out the hotel room.
There she was, standing there with her arms crossed and an uneasy look on her face. This is the first time I've seen her in three weeks, the first time I will have spoken to her. Olivia still looked as beautiful as ever, not that I expected anything different. I approached her and as soon as she seen me she seemed to tense up, she wouldn't even look at me.
"There's a Café round the corner I dunno if that's what you were thinking or if what you want to say can be said in two minutes" Her arms were crossed and still she refused to look at me which made me feel terrible.
"the Cafes fine" I say as she starts making her way there, I follow and the two minute walk was silent but unlike all of our previous walks where the silence was comfortable, it was just awkward. She was quite clearly annoyed which I've never seen before but I understood.
The cafe was quite busy but there was a table in the corner for us, we sat down and she asked me if I was having tea to which I nodded. She got up and walked over to the counter where she paid for the teas and eventually picked up the tray and carried it back over. The nerves were taking over me at this point as she sat and finally looked at me.
"It's nice to see you" I say expecting a smile at the very least but instead I receive an eye roll.
"Is it though?" She took a sip from her mug and looked back at me, the guilt was coursing through my veins and driving me mad. It's my fault she feels like this.
"Olivia, I'm sorry. I wa..." she interrupts me by shaking her head and sitting up about to speak and I could tell she wasn't going to be holding back.
"Sorry for what? Making me believe you actually liked me? Ditching me as soon as you know I found happiness? Taking advantage of me? Coming to me when I was vulnerable and making me think you actually cared?" Not once did she stutter or pause, She was hurt, I hurt her.
"I never took advantage of you and the feelings I have were real Liv, trust me."
"How am I supposed to trust you when every man that I've ever trusted has let me down"
"It was stupid, I shouldn't have done or said any of that. I was overthinking it and didn't get the time to think it through. I regret it, I fucking regret it 'cause you're the first girl I've ever felt like I can confidently bring home and to my friends. You're the first girl I've actually seen myself have a future with Olivia. I fucking regret what I did." I just let it all out because there was nothing left to lose.
"I told you how my ex treated me and you promised you'd never do the same." Her voice cracked and I could tell she was getting emotional. I'd love to take her into my arms and tell her everything's okay but it's not and I couldn't.
"I know, I want to change and I want you to look at me the same and I will, Olivia I will"
"I don't want you to change, I wanted this to never have happened in the first place." The lain in her voice was making me feel worse and I deserved it. She started pulling her jacket over her shoulders and then she stood up to leave.
"We're doing a show in the social club place tomorrow at 8, if you go round the side you'll get in to stand with Larry instead of the crowd by yourself, although it's only about 500 people" I don't know what I was thinking inviting her, she would never come but we were thinking of doing that song I had written about her. I still wasn't sure what it was going to be called but I finished it and it was actually bondys idea to play it, he put his own fling on the solo bit and tonight would be a good night to do it live for the first time. If Olivia was there to hear it finished it would mean a lot to me but I wasn't expecting her there after everything I did.
"See you Van" when she walked past me and out the door the smell of her perfume hit me right in the face, it was a nice fruity kind of perfume which kind of matched her I guess.
-
"How did it go then?" Asked Larry, spread out over the bed in him and Benjis hotel room.
"As expected. I invited her tomorrow and Larry I told her she could use the side door so you might have company but I doubt it."
"You didn't say anything stupid this time did you?" Bob knows that I desperately want to just take her back but I was stupid enough to tell her I wanted a year alone. A fucking year?
"No I just said I was sorry for everything and that I regretted everything"
The night crawled in and usually we'd spend the first free night on the sesh but we were all so sleep deprived and although the chances of Liv coming tomorrow are slim, I still wanted to be on top of my game so we all headed to bed. Bondy fell asleep almost instantly but now that I had the time to overthink it was all I could do. Why didn't I just tell her I needed a couple days to think instead of I need a year to myself? It was so selfish of me, so fucking selfish.
A few lyrics came into my head so I had to write them down or I'd forget, who knows if anything will ever come of them but it's worth writing down.
I'd beg you, but you know I'm never home.
I'd love you but I need another year alone.
I try to ignore it every time you phone, but I never come close.
I don't think through things, I never get time
'Cause I don't think things through
