Crave Me, Taste Me [FighterTutor 18+]

-26- 💋 You Were My Escape

"I don't come close to an angel, and you ain't never been no kind of saint. But when we both came together, hell to heaven, you were my escape. But fires don't burn forever, and all these ashes crumble when we touch. We danced to death in the fire. What can we do now the music's done, my love?"
~Lewis Capaldi, 'Rush'

~~~

*Tutor's POV*

The silence has never been so loud.

Curled up on my bed with my arms wrapped around me, I'm surrounded by the deafening silence accompanied by the sounds of my own tears.

It was for his own good.

I did it to keep him safe.

He'll be better off in the long run.

The mantras I repeat over and over to myself do nothing to ease the bottomless ache in the black pit where my heart used to be. Dramatic, I know, but it's now I feel. All I can think about is how broken Fighter looked while I said those horribly untrue things to him, and what I really wanted to say instead.

'If you wanted to leave me, you wouldn't have just made love to me like that.'

I didn't want to leave you. I would never want to leave you. If I could, I would have frozen time while we were making love, keeping you with me forever.

'I love you. Do you understand that? I am in love with you.'

I love you too, Fighter. So, so much. It hurts how much I love you.

'Why? What did I do wrong?'

You did nothing wrong, my love. If things were different, if your father wasn't trying to force you to become immortal, I would never hurt you like this. Not in a million years.

'Unlike me, who they would never approve of. A monster.'

You are not a monster. There is not a universe where you would be considered a monster. You are light, you are goodness. You are— were my escape from this mundane life.

'It's okay. You don't have to suffer anymore. I'll go.'

Please don't. Stay with me. Remain by my side for the rest of our lives, just like we promised. I'm not suffering as long as I have you.

I grip the necklace around my neck, the only momento I have from my relationship with Fighter. I broke every promise I made to him tonight, but this is one I vow to keep. As long as my heart beats for you, I'll wear this necklace. That is to say, I'll wear it for the rest of my days.

Sleep never comes that night. After the tears have run out, I toss and turn while I feel Fighter's phantom caresses along my skin, the memory of his lips against mine.

By the time the sun rises, I didn't sleep for even a second. I keep thinking about how Fighter is only a few flights below, in his bedroom in the servants quarters. He's so close, yet I can't reach out to him like I used to.

My one flame of happiness has been snuffed out by my own hand, and I can do nothing besides wallow in the heartache I caused.

***

"Prince Tutor?" Tee calls out gently. "You don't look well. Are you sick?"

My fingers mindlessly brush through Cosmo's black fur as I sit at my desk, staring blankly at the book in front of me.

"I'm fine," I lie, my voice hoarse from lack of sleep. "Just a little tired."

Tee's voice shrinks down to a nearly inaudible level, but I still catch when he asks, "Is it Fighter?"

I scoff, flipping the page even though I'm not even reading the passages. "So you did know," I comment flatly, not at all surprised.

"I did."

"And are you the one who told my father?"

The silence that follows is confirmation enough. On any other day, I'm sure my blood would be boiling. But I can't pull myself out of the numbness I've sunk into.

"Why didn't you talk to me first?" I question, turning to look at him. He squirms, adjusting his glasses.

"I was worried about you. A relationship with a man, especially one so far below your status, would have reflected badly on you. You've always been strong-willed, and I knew you wouldn't have listen to me if I had come to you. But I knew you would listen to your father."

"Well. Congratulations on getting what you wanted," I say sarcastically. "Fighter and I are over."

"Are you okay?" He asks so gently that it almost makes me laugh.

"Does it matter? You won. My father won. Everyone else but me and Fighter won."

"Of course it matters," Tee looks offended, eyes filled with hurt. "I only wanted what's best for you. I didn't want you to be in pain."

"A tad too late for that," I tell him, slamming my book shut. "Tell my father that we can proceed with the wedding. I won't protest anymore."

Tee hesitates, as if wanting to say more but decides against it. The moment he's gone from my room, I slump back in my seat with a sigh.

Cosmo looks up at me with round, dark eyes, his nose twitching. Through my sleep-deprivation and emotional exhaustion, I imagine I can understand what Cosmo is trying to say to me as he bats his eyes.

"You never liked him," I remind him as he looks at me disapprovingly. "You should be proud of me."

His floppy ears twitch in annoyance.

"What? You think I made a mistake?" I ask him, and he wiggles his nose in response.

He's wrong. I didn't make a mistake. Fighter will be safe because I broke his heart. Eventually, he'll stop loving me, and his father will be forced to leave him alone.

It wasn't a mistake.
It wasn't a mistake.

...right?

~~~

More angst because I'm sadistic

We'll take a break from the sadness with this next chapter though!

Thoughts? Do you think Tutor made the right choice?

See you next time!
-Gumbie