Saving Her

Chapter 24

Shawn's POV

Trigger warning: mentions of r**e, difficult feelings to process

"Mila, I'm so sorry" I say to her quietly. Speaking to her fully for the first time in what feels like forever.

"Shawn, what do you have to be sorry for?" She asks me, shocked I'm apologizing.

Looking down at my hands, I'm anxiously pulling at the fringed strings of my sweatshirt. I don't want to have this conversation with her here, right now, but my therapist told me in order to heal I needed to tell her how I was feeling. I needed to be honest with her. Taking a deep breath and exhaling I continue.

Turning to face her "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from Andy. I'm sorry I couldn't save you from the pain. I should have trusted my gut and read the signs. I hate myself for not telling you how much I hated him." Tears line my eyes and my fists are clenched. I can't do this. I can't admit to her that the only reason I've been avoiding her is because I blame myself for her getting hurt.

"Shawn, what are you taking about? It's not like you raped me!" She looks at me with tears forming in her own eyes and concern etched on her face.

"I might as well have been." I mumble softly, hoping she didn't hear me.

I hear a loud gasp. Yep. She heard me. Her hands cover her mouth in shock. Tears pour down her face as if a damn just broke. I figure she'd be upset by what I said and I half expect her to run inside, away from me.

Quicker than I can blink, she sits herself on my lap and takes my face in her hands. Looking me square in the eyes she says "Shawn, why would you even think that? Let alone say it. You didn't hurt me. You haven't hurt me. Ever. What is this really about?" She begs me to talk to her through the tears.

I want to look down again, but she forces me to keep my eyes on her. Her chocolate brown pools flooding with tears, capturing my pain in her own. In that moment I break, I can't stand to see her like this. My own tears rushing down my face, I finally take a deep breath and give in to my emotions. My parents warned me if I didn't, I'd really be hurting more than just myself.

"I blame myself for what happened to you. I've been beating myself up for weeks for not saving you. I'm sorry I've been distant, but I just couldn't look at you and face my mistakes any longer." I whimper.

Her hands still gently cupping my face, she leans forward and quickly pecks my cheek, snuggling her head into the crook between my head and chest she loses it. Her fingers holding the necklace I gave her as she's sobbing and I'm sobbing and we're holding each other for dear life. The damn has broke for me too and I don't know how to fix it.

After what seems like hours, she moves her head up to face me, taking my face in her hands again. The fire still crackling in the background.

"Shawn, look at me. I need you to look at me when I say this." Taking in her gaze, I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and try to give her my full attention.

"You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. You told me your concerns about Andy and I didn't listen. What happened to me is neither of our faults. I can't let you think that any longer, stop blaming yourself for all of this." Wiping her tears, and then running her thumbs under my eyes to clear my tears, she sniffles but continues.

"I love you Canada, can't you see that? Who was the one person who made me feel safe that night and every day since? Do you know?" She questions. "Who protected me so fiercely that night, no one else was allowed to touch me until we got to Toronto General?"

"Me" I sigh.

"Yes, you Shawn. You. You have been the one constant in my life since the day we met. I know you might not believe me now, but since that night you have been saving me. You saved me that night when you carried me out of that room, still alive. You saved me during the court hearings, you've saved me during therapy sessions when I talk about how good you are to me and how you're the only person I feel close to, that I let touch me. That's not normal in this situation, but you know why it's normal for me?"

"No" I respond.

"It's normal for me Shawn because you saved me. You're still saving me. Everyday! I don't know what I need to do to make you see that but I promise you I will! I promise you Shawn that I'm fine because of you. I will survive this because of you. Your friendship is the most important thing in the world to me, and the reason I never felt alone during my treatments, even when I had no one, you were always there. In my head telling me to keep going, and not give up!" She grips my face a little harder and I can tell we're both going to cry again.

"I'm so sorry Mila" is all I can manage.

"Damnit Shawn Mendes, you're my hero. I can't live without you and when you avoid me, I don't feel the same. I can't breathe when you're gone. I hate that I'm the reason for your pain. I hate it!" She hugs me to her, cuddling her head in my chest and we just hold each other for a little while. The fire still kindling and the night sky getting darker above us.

Pulling away, she faces me again. "I know I've said this a million times, but thank you Shawn. Thank you for loving me enough to give a damn. I know my mama, Sofi and you're family love me, but I know the way you and I love each other is different." A smile graces her face as she continues.

"I promise you are saving me Canada, I promise" she reassures me.

The rest of the night we share one chair cuddled up to each other watching the fire dwindle in the night. I pull her closer. I've never felt so much relief as I do tonight, I feel like the weight has been lifted off my chest. That was the hardest conversation we've ever had, and she did most of the talking, but I know from this moment on, I have to continue to be strong for her. I have to continue to protect her. I can't leave her alone again or it might kill us both.

Giving her a kiss on the forehead as we continue to hold each other I whisper just loud enough for her to hear me "Thank you Camila. I promise you're saving me too!"