Saving Her

Chapter 22

Something has been off with Shawn lately. I mean I'm still reacting to him in ways I never thought I would. I can't shake how I'm feeling, but lately when I look into his eyes, I don't see the same things I used to. They seem duller, scared, more tired and he's got bags under his eyes bigger than mine. I can tell he hasn't been sleeping well too. We've stopped sharing the bed with Sofi because my therapist suggested I get used to sleeping alone again. He's been sleeping in his own bed for a couple weeks now.

Shawn is currently out with Connor and Brian at the bar and told me not to wait up for him to get home. He's been going out with the guys a lot more lately, which I'm fine with, I don't expect him to be at my beck and call every second he's not working. It's just weird because he always wants to spend time with me.

Did I do something wrong? Is my silly little shameless flirting making him uncomfortable? Damnit Camila! You're ruining your friendship with him. The voice inside my head telling me I'm just a needy little girl who can't give him what needs. He should be out with his friends. He should be out meeting girls much prettier than me.

A few days later...

I feel like I'm losing control...to be honest I haven't really felt in control since that night. My anxiety has been through the roof and my therapy sessions have been getting harder and harder to handle. I know it's stupid to think that Shawn is distancing himself from me, but when he's around less and less I can't help but think it's all my fault. He looks at me and all I see is sadness. He hasn't been around after my sessions when I get home the last few days and I know he's been having a hard time with work. I'm sure looking at me doesn't help.

My phone buzzes..it's a text from Tiffany. She needs me to cover for her at work today. I text her back and tell her that I will be there. I've been working as needed for a couple of weeks now; slowly integrating that part back into my life. It's been a challenge, but it helps that I have people there that care about me, always watching out for me.

Getting dressed, I pick out yet another long sleeve shirt and loose dress pants. I've changed my wardrobe considerably and have relied on long sleeved shirts and loose pants for months now. I still can't bring myself to show any more skin than is necessary. Looking in the mirror, I apply light makeup and pull my hair into a half up half down look.

After the accident I chopped off almost half my hair, but left it shoulder length so I could still hide behind it. The bruises on my neck are almost completely gone so I forego a scarf for today. The long sleeves and pants cover the scars and marks I still have. I feel like I'll always have something that reminds me of that night...

I'll be working during the day and I know Shawn is too so it's inevitable that we'll see each other. A part of me just wants him to look at me like he used to. I miss my crazy boy. I miss my best friend Shawn.

Arriving at work, I lock my things in my locker, clip my name badge to my shirt and head for the front desk. It's quiet on the unit so far so I take a moment to walk the halls and find myself in front of the plague dedicated to my papa next to the arm room.

"Miss you papa" I whisper to myself reaching up to touch the picture of him on the plaque.

"He'd be proud of you ya know." I hear a voice behind me. I turn to see Dr. Story walking towards me.

"Hi Dr. Story!"

"Hello Camila, how are you doing?" She asks as she steps closer to me.

"I'm okay. Some days are better than others." I sigh, looking down at my feet after giving her a weak smile.

"That's normal under the circumstances. Everything else going okay?"

Pausing before I answer. "Well....I don't know...actually I've been meaning to talk to my therapist about this but I feel like Shawn is pulling away from me." Sighing I look down at the floor. It's the first time I've said that out loud and it hits me harder than I expected.

"Shawn has been a very big part of your recovery yes?" She asks.

"Yes" I nod.

"Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe he's having feelings he doesn't know how to handle and he's so used to being there for you that him "pulling away" is his way of trying to cope with what he's dealing with." Giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze, I give her a small smile.

"I guess I didn't think of it that way. I'm an idiot, I need to talk to him." I conclude.

"You're not an idiot Camila, you have a lot going on and it's hard to sift through everything sometimes. If your friendship is as strong as I think it is, you'll find your way back to each other." Smiling, her pager goes off and she is gone in a hurry down the hall.

I know this means there's a chance I'll see Shawn for the first time in days in a matter of seconds and my heart doesn't know how to handle that.