Saving Her

Chapter 38

Tonight while I lay snuggled in Shawn's arms I can't help but think back to what happened just hours ago.  Expressing how we felt about each other has got to be one of the scariest things I've ever done.  I feel like I don't deserve him.  Hasn't he been through enough with me?   All the self doubt and negativity is clawing it's way into my mind and I just want to cry.  We were just on such a high.  How can I be feeling this way?

Trying to shake the thoughts from my mind, I pull myself out of his arms so he can't feel me cry.  We just told each other we love each other, yet here I am sitting on our bed crying because I can't give him what he wants. 

Maybe this was a bad idea.

He must hear my quiet sobs because in an instant he's sitting up by my side.  "Mila, what's wrong?"  I can't even look at him which makes me even sadder and now frustrated. 

"Everything! Everything is wrong Shawn." I snap.  "How could you want me?  How could you love me after what's happened to me?  I'm nothing but damaged goods....how could you be with me knowing the last person that was with me was Andy."  I want to vomit as his name crosses my lips.  "I can't give you what you want, I can't give myself to you right now, not in the way you want me to."  I'm full on yelling and sobbing now, clenching my fists, I stand out of the bed and walk towards the big picture window.

Screw Andy and everything he's done to me, but fuck him most of all for doing something so terrible to me that I can't even give myself to my boyfriend when I want to.  God damnit!

"Camila." He says as he gets up and meets me at the window.

"Camila look at me." He reaches forward and cups my face in his hands.  I'm fidgeting so I don't have to look at him.  Hot tears burn my flesh as they fall and soak my shirt...which is actually his shirt.

"Will you please look at me?"  He tries again.

"I can't Shawn." I whimper.

"Ok, well if you don't want to look at me, can you at least hear me out?"  He asks anxiously.

Without looking up I nod slightly.

"Ok good.  Listen Mila, I knew what I was getting myself into when I told you how I felt.  What happened to you doesn't change, and has never changed how I feel about you at all.  If anything, it made me realize how much I want to be with you.  I don't want you with anyone else.  I don't want anyone else."  Dropping his hands from my face he grabs my hand and guides me to the big chair in the corner of the room overlooking our balcony.

"Baby I will wait forever if I have to for you to be ready.  I'm in no rush, we can take this as slow as you want.  Honestly I'm perfectly content with just kissing you and holding you because it's all I've wanted since the day I met you."  He pulls me in his lap and I finally look up at him.  "I feel like I've waited my whole life just to get to this moment with you.  I love you Camila, I always have and I always will.  Please don't ever doubt that."  He smiles as his lips brush my shoulder leaving a small kiss in their wake.

Tears still lining my eyes I lean forward as he wraps me up in his arms, my face buried in his neck.  "I'm so sorry Shawn." I quietly sob.  "Shhhh Banana, you have nothing to be sorry for.  None of this is your fault.  Well...except the part for being the most beautiful, amazing, smart, incredible sexy girl I know."  He says and I can feel his smirk on the top of my head.  Damn you Shawn Mendes for trying to make me feel better.

Looking up admiring his handsome features, I take his face in my hands.  "What did I do to deserve you?" I ask him.  "How is it with just one conversation or just one touch you make me feel so alive, so worth while, so...so not broken?" I sigh.

"I could ask you the same question...but to answer yours.  You didn't have to do a thing baby.  You had me at hello all those years ago, I was just to chicken to say anything until last night."

Baby.  That's twice now he's called me baby, I like it; but there's still a part of me that's going to hold back.  I want to be cautious, because I'm still healing and this may be a stupid move on my part to be with Shawn now, but the other part of me just doesn't care.

Letting out a small giggle, I lean in and take his lips with mine.  Our kisses so far have been slow, passionate, lingering. 

However, this one feels different.  This kiss feels like all the promises, hopes and dreams yet to come for us.  As he pulls me closer and takes the lead, I can't help but to focus on how his lips move in sync with mine.  It's like we were made for each other.

Coming up for air he looks at me.  "Feel better?"

"Yes...I'm sorry I freaked out...I just never imagined this in my wildest dreams, but honestly you make me so happy. It's just an added bonus I get to call you my boyfriend now." I try to say somewhat confidently. "I'm sorry I still feel so broken, but it means a lot that you're willing to take this slow."

"I'd do anything for you Camila! I hope you know that." He says as he reaches up and gently tucks a few stray hairs behind my ear. "And, you're not broken to me....You've been through something unimaginable, and look how far you've come. I mean, your sitting on my lap kissing me in Banff!" He says somewhat seriously. "You are the strongest person I know Camila Cabello."

God, is he even real? I'm smiling so big both inside and out. In that moment I realize he means every word and despite what's happened to me he will take this at my speed because he doesn't want anything but me.

Fully pushing all the negative away, I bring myself closer to him if that's even possible and take his lips with mine again. "I think I'm really going to like kissing you babe." I smirk.

"Did you just call me babe?" He playfully asks, he hand flying up to his chest like he's shocked.

"Uhhh yeah! Is that a problem?" I grin.

"No.....no not at all....." he leans in and kisses me again "You feeling better in that little head of yours?" He asks as he taps my forehead.

"Yes! I am" I reply.  "Thank you for being so amazing. And as much as you've wanted this, I've wanted it just as equally. You have to promise me that we'll talk to each others about our feelings all the time. Nothing changes from when we were just friends yeah?"

"Yeah, except now I get to hold you and kiss you!" He winks.

"I love you Shawn Mendes." I shake my head playfully as I reach to connect our lips again.

"I love you too Banana" he says against my lips before kissing me again.

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