Saving Her

Chapter 50

"Hey girl. You okay?" Tiffany asks me as she comes to get me from my house. She's off from work today and I called when I went into mama's room because I needed to get out of that house and away from Shawn.

"I'm fine" is all I reply. The truth is, I'm not fine, which is why I'm having her drive me to therapy because if I drove myself; I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm so pissed at Shawn. First he snaps at me, then he wakes me up while he's having a horrible nightmare, then he tries to play it off like nothing is wrong this morning. Clearly something is wrong if I slept in the bathtub half the night and now I've basically kicked him out of my house until he's ready to tell me what's going on.

"I know you're not fine, and I know he's not either. Bri called me on my way here and said he texted him and needed to see him. Girl....what happened?" She looks at me, her face full of worry. "Tiff, come with me to therapy and we'll talk about it then. I don't want to talk about him right now." I sigh.

"Okay."

She's pulls out of the driveway and makes her way towards the hospital. It's very possible Shawn and I could have done a couples session today, but I just didn't like how he made me feel this morning. It's the first time he's ever made me feel like he doesn't trust me to not break into a million pieces when things get hard. I survived a rape, I think I can handle whatever he's got going on. I just wish he would believe that, but I can't make him do that. It hurts that I'm seemingly not the person he thinks I am. I thought we were better than this.

Tiffany's phone rings and her face lights up slightly as she sees Brian's name on the screen. We spent some time talking about how things are going between them, and we text frequently about date outfits and such. She really likes him and I think he really likes her. I'm happy for them, but a little piece of me is also envious that they can have a "normal" relationship filled with spontaneous dates, make out sessions and well...sex.

Shawn and I have dropped the sex topic for now, for obvious reasons, but it still doesn't mean I don't think about having sex with him. I know if we can ever move past this bump in the road that when we're ready, the topic of sex is something we want to explore.

"Hi baby. What's going on." She says into her phone. "Okay, well I'm glad he's with you. Yes she's with me and she's fine." She nods. After a few more silent nods and "mhmm's" she says firmly "Brian I don't think that's a good idea. Mila is pretty upset and the last thing she needs is to hear his lame ass excuses for not being man enough to trust her." Silence. "No, no baby, I'm not going to argue with you on this. He needs to figure his shit out before he gets her back." She says looking at me with a sad expression. "I know honey, I'm sorry. I love you too, but she's my best friend and he's your best friend. He needs you and she needs me. He's not to contact her until he's ready to really talk to her. I have to go, we are at our destination. I love you, I'll see you later." She says as she hangs up her phone.

"Do I want to know?" I ask. "No...I think you know, no need to discuss what you already know." She smiles at me weakly. We pull into a spot at the hospital and get out of the car. It's then I see the text from Shawn and tears fill my eyes again. I read it and decide I'm still too hurt to response, so instead I text my mama quick and tell her to text or call Tiffany if she needs me, but that I'm shutting my phone off for the day.

Hand in hand, Tiffany and I walk into the hospital and onto the unit. We walk right back to my therapist's office and she welcomes me with open arms. She must be able to sense I've take a major step back because she ushers us in quickly and closes the door behind her. I remain silent, but fall into my usual chair and I can't stop the flow of tears as they race down my face. Pretty soon they are both holding me and I'm letting all the emotion I held in this morning out. I hate feeling this way, but I feel broken, hurt, lost....it's the worst feelings in the world and for a split second I go back to that first session I had after the rape and how I told my therapist that someone I thought loved me had hurt me. It crushes me to put Shawn in the same category as Andy, because Shawn would never do what Andy did, but the hurt I feel is much of the same.

It's the unexpectedness of it all that throws me and I just pray to God that we can fix ourselves and ultimately each other before it's too late.

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How's everyone feeling?!  Do you think Camila is way overreacting?

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