Saving Her

Chapter 15

My mama and Sofi look at me like they've seen a ghost. I can't take the look in everyone's eyes when they look at me now. I know old Camila is nothing compared to the new Camila I have to learn to rebuild, but that doesn't mean I'm completely a shell of my former self.

My sweet mama comes to sit next to me with the same tray of food she brought in. I know the nurse usually does that, but I'm sure in my case they made an exception. We're basically royalty here thanks to papa.

Oh god, papa.

I'm sure never in a million years he could have pictured his own daughter being one of the patients on this unit he worked so tirelessly to create. My heart sinks...even further if that's possible.

I feel like this is all my fault.

I'm the one to blame.

Trying to focus back on my food, I see eggs, bacon and a piece of toast that looks to be covered with some sort of jelly. Heck of a breakfast, I guess no one ever praises hospital food huh?

The sad thing is even the smell sets me off. I don't have the energy to lift the fork. I don't want to eat. I don't want to be here. I want to be at home, in my own bed. However, I know that's not possible. Toronto General has basically a mini version of a 12 step program before discharge. The program includes options for shelters, sessions with therapists and grief counselors, time in the art room and a meeting with someone from the gynecology department. I'm sure you can guess what that's for....

Just thinking about that makes me stomach churn. I'm not ready for that part of my life yet and I certainly don't want a daily reminder of this staring back at me everyday until he/she turns 18 and goes out into the big unknown.

Unknowns, uncertainties, there's a lot of that going on around here and in my head. I'm waiting for the doctor to come and tell me my test results.

I shove my food tray out of my way, getting dizzy from exerting any sort of energy, and get up to use the bathroom. My head still wrapped in a thick white gauze, I have to drag my IV pole with me, and waddle like a duck because in between my legs still gives me a stark reminder of what happened to me. I feel like the walking wounded, and I'm sure I look that way too.  It hurts to squat, it hurts to pee. Honestly I just want to scream. Tears well in my eyes again, and I feel like I'm gripping on to the last bits of sanity I have while now trying to wash my hands. They are shaking, I can't even hold the bar of soap without dropping it. This sucks.

Collecting myself, I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. My hospital gown has shifted to reveal dark purple bruises on my neck in the shape of hand prints, deep red marks line my collar bones. Jeezzz he fucking branded me; like I'm a cow or something. But the thing that really gets me is when I see my face reflected in the mirror. My make-up is dry and crumbly all over my face. My right eye is partly swollen shut, my hair is greasy and stringy hanging in clumps from around the bandage on my head and my skin is a sickly pale color. I want to die right then and there. Anything is better than what's staring back at me.

I can't do that though. Papa would never forgive me. Mama, Sofi and Tiffany would never forgive me and most of all Shawn would never forgive me.

Walking back to my bed, I'm greeted by the doctor and a nurse. The nurse has me sit up in bed and asks permission to touch me to take my vitals and check my wounds. The doctor sits in a chair next to my bed and my mama and Sofi are standing beside me on the other side.

"Hi Camila, I'm Dr. Story and this is nurse Eva as I'm sure you know. We have some results to go over with you and a few questions to ask. Would that be okay?"

"Yes." I whisper, looking down at my hands in my lap.

Dr. Story proceeds to tell me that I'm not pregnant, but they've given me the equivalent of the morning after pill just in case. They tell me my blood work is fine, but that the first reason I blacked out was because I got myself so worked up that my heart skipped a few beats out of fear that I passed out. The second time things went black is because I hit my head on the corner of the bed frame somehow.

Internally breathing a sigh of relief, I thank Dr. Story and Eva for the information and tell them I'll call if I need them. I ask my sister and mama to leave me be for a little bit. I have my first therapy session this afternoon and I strangely want to be well rested for this....well I guess I much as I can be.

Lying back down, I manage to fall asleep thanks to the medications they gave me.. My dreams are flooded with a mix of the last few nights and a part of me doesn't want to sleep if thats all I'll see if a constant reminder of that night and Andy.  Yet, another part of me does because in my dreams, Shawn is there and not halfway across town doing Lord knows what to Andy.